Ending the Cycle

Have you ever had a dream? Something that you've wanted more than anything in the whole-wide world, but you have no idea how to reach it?

For me, my dream was knowing what it felt like to have a healthy relationship with my mom. No, I don't mean talking or keeping up on the latest news. I'm talking about a loving, unconditional relationship that fuels you with the best things: a foundation to stand on when your life shakes and shatters, encouragement when you're feeling down, support when you're struggling, and loving without conditions. All things that, as a mom, I've learned to be the core of motherhood.

I said goodbye to my mother yesterday, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. This goodbye wasn't how most people would envision it. It wasn't at a bedside, nor under dire circumstances. In fact, she is still alive and from what I know she's doing well. You may be wondering, "Then why did you say goodbye?" This is both a loaded and valid question that is not easily answered. In short, I made this decision to break a cycle. This was not a spontaneous decision, nor was it an easy one, but it is necessary in order to give myself closure, opportunity to heal, find peace, and most importantly, to make way for growth through hardship.

When you endure trauma, you lose someone or something in the process. For me, I lost my mom. I can't remember the last time I considered her a safe space. I still vividly remember the moment that my security was ripped from my hands, I was eight years old. I can still see and hear her partner screaming in my face. I remember sobbing and looking up to her, begging and pleading as to why she let him treat me that way. I can still see her face looking back at me and her voice saying, "We love each other and there's nothing you can do about it." From that moment on, the mom I once knew was dead to me.

Ever since that moment, her words have been poison. They've had the strength and toxicity to stop my heart at any given moment. Over the years I recall a rollercoaster of emotion and betrayal. There were hills and valleys, good and bad, and like all relationships, it wasn't perfect. Regardless of how good things may have appeared on the outside, I struggled like hell to stay afloat because whether I chose to leave or stay, I was drowning.

If I continued to have a relationship with her, I'd be met with criticism, lies, and betrayal. If I cut off contact, I'd be met with tidal waves of judgement, not just from her, but from the community of my hometown and people who knew her. See, people love to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, want, or need regardless of how YOU feel about it. If you can relate to any of the things I’ve shared so far, please hold on to your truth. There are two sides to every story, you know this, and you know the truth of what's happened to you. If you're reading this, and you know of someone who's spoken poorly of your name, or put on a false show that you see right through, please hold on to that truth and know that your feelings are valid.

I've spent my entire life feeling like something was wrong with me for hurting. I've been encouraged time and time again to keep my feelings silenced, because, "Negative energy fuels negative energy and it's unattractive." You know what fuels negative energy? Keeping shit inside of you that needs to come out. This includes hurt, pain, and unhealed trauma. If you're reading this and keeping things inside and smiling on the outside for all to see is something that works for you, congratulations. That does not, and has never worked for me. I'm tired of hiding behind walls because someone else think I'm too negative, or wrong for the pain I feel.

My mom has a circle of friends, and I'm certain that those people will read this. At some point or another, this blog will make its way to my mom's hands. I received a message from my mom yesterday and part of it said, "You're not hurting me with repeating to everyone your words and thoughts." What many people fail to understand is this has never once been about hurting her. The words that are shared here are not meant to hurt or attack anyone. They are a very real and relative part of my past, my pain, and my journey to healing. I know I'm not alone in that—that is why I write.

Most people find comfort in their moms. I find pain.

I'm tired of people placing their opinions on my shoulders. I'm tired of blood being used as an excuse, and treated as a fast pass to criticize, hurt, or abuse others. I'm tired of being manipulated, I'm tired of having to resist the inner voice in my head that is my mom's, and after years of back and forth, on and off, and inconsistent effort, I'm tired enough to say, no more.

If you have someone in your life who criticizes your choices, tries to manipulate you into doing things that don't serve you, or uses you as a way to project their reputation, please know that you are not alone and you have every right to walk away.

Other people's opinions of you, and your decisions are none of your business, and your situation is none of theirs. They have no right to tell you how to live your life. Blood doesn't define family, love does. So if you have a family member who is cruel to you, set boundaries. If those boundaries aren't respected, please don't be afraid to move on to better things and leave them behind.

There are people in this world who love you unconditionally, embrace them. Let them in, and show everyone else out.

Here's to new beginnings, hope for the future, and finding peace in closure.

Much love to you friend,

Meg