Empty Stockings

I remember the first Christmas after we lost my grandmother. I was a teenager at the time and had a toddler-aged sister. My father was utterly beside himself with grief. Holidays at our house had always been so vibrant, full of people and love. The loss of my grandmother changed that for him. It made him sad in a way that I couldn’t understand. That was, of course, until I lost my own mother. Holidays were never quite the same, especially Christmas which was her favorite.

Navigating grief is never easy, no matter the time of year, but it is particularly tricky at a time when everyone is so focused on family and happiness. Life seems just to keep going while you feel at a complete stop. People around you look so cheerful, and you just want to crawl in a hole. I can almost assuredly tell you that you will get through this season, but I cannot say that it will be without its difficulties.

While everyone handles the death of a loved one differently, here are a few things that I have found to help myself get through some of the more trying days during this Christmas season.

Find a confidant.

Everyone needs someone that they can turn to during these times. It helps to be able to say how you are feeling out loud. Finding someone who has experienced a similar loss would benefit you greatly. They may not have all of the answers, but they can be there to help you process your feelings.

Delegate Responsibilities.

This may not be the year that you need to bring the Turkey to Thanksgiving. If you are finding yourself more stressed out about the holiday get-together than enjoying the fellowship of it, you may need to respectfully ask to step down from some of your duties, even if you always bring the macaroni and cheese. Be patient with yourself. Decide that it is okay to say no if you feel that people are asking for too much.

Honor the Deceased.

It doesn’t have to be a full table setting or an hour-long slideshow, but if that is what you feel then, by all means, go for it. When my mom passed, we kept putting her stocking up next to ours. It never got filled up, but for the entire holiday season, it felt right. The empty spot on the mantle would have hurt more than the reminder. Some people put a picture of the lost loved one next to the food at the table or a light a candle for remembrance.

Give yourself some love.

Sometimes the reason that the holidays are so stressful is that we feel the need to be happy all of the time. That, if we aren’t, we are losing the spirit. The truth is that none of us are genuinely full of cheer all of the time. Be as kind and understanding with yourself as you would with a small child. If you need a moment to step away and gather yourself (or fall apart), don’t be ashamed of it. Step into the other room and breathe. Then look at yourself in the mirror and remember that you are strong enough to make it through this and return to the festivities with renewed confidence. Take some time around the holidays to visit a spa or have a relaxing bath. Remind yourself that you are still healing and, just like those with physical wounds, you must take it easy for the healing process to be efficient.

Kiss some babies.

I cannot stress enough how much this last point helped me through the first year after the death of my mother. All too often we tend to forget, in our own grief, that children are also profoundly affected by the loss. Taking the time to get on the floor and play with their new toys, or cuddle in a chair and read “The Night before Christmas,” cannot just help those children feel less alone but you as well. When interacting with children, there is less pressure to have it all together. Let yourself relax and indulge your inner child for a little while.