Drive Faster

I could smell the city on me. No one needed to point it out. It was the smell of fast food, exhaust fumes, sweat and wind. If I had a car, this smell would be a thing of the past. The smell of hard work and life never cutting you a break. The smell of my mom. Life never cut her a break. She wouldn't have allowed it to if it had tried. She was too mean and tired and stubborn to ever accept help from anyone. In the end, that's probably why he left. It's hard to love a wild dog. You will always get bit, eventually.

I blamed her for him leaving. If she hadn't been such a hateful woman, maybe he'd have stayed and helped raise me and Teddy. Our life would have been better, there is no doubt about that.

I opened the door to walk in to my small loft above my favorite Korean restaurant. Well, what used to be my favorite Korean restaurant. Its hard to love food you go to bed and wake up smelling Every. Single. Day. There was an envelope that had been pushed under the door. It must have been from someone who knew I didn't ever bother checking my mail. Why would I, all I ever got were bills I couldn't afford to pay.

Inside the envelope was a note. “Meet me tomorrow at noon, lunch is on me.” It wasn’t signed but had the address of the diner that served my favorite pie. Whenever I had an extra $2.50, I sat at a plastic booth and savored every zesty bite of their lemon meringue. It sort of creeped me out that it wasn’t signed, but clearly this person knew me. I pulled out my black book and searched for Teddy’s new girlfriend’s number. I was between cell phone providers (apparently, they expect you to pay your bill or they shut off your phone. Who knew?) so, I had no choice but to store my numbers here. Teddy went through girlfriends quickly enough that it wasn’t worth memorizing their numbers.

“Hello!” a shrill voice squeaked into my ear. I couldn’t stand Tara. I honestly think he was only with her because she had a nice apartment. He always found the most annoying girls with the nicest homes. He didn’t even bother having a place of his own. He just crashed on my couch between love interests.

“Oh hey, Tara. How are you?” I feigned politeness. Apparently the one thing mom did give me was manners.

“Oh…. Cyth… I assume you are calling for Teddy.” She, on the other hand, didn’t bother pretending to be polite.

“Yep, is he there?” I asked. Dead silence.

“Hey sis. What’s up?” Teddy’s cheerful voice lifted my mood. He had that way about him. No matter how bad things were, Teddy was always a ray of sunshine, peaking through the clouds.

“Did you receive any weird messages recently?” I asked.

“Sure did. Super weird. I assume you did too.” He answered. I breathed a sign of relief. Whatever was going on, I had Teddy by my side.

“I did. Are you going?” I asked.

“I will if you do.” He popped back.

“I guess that’s settled then.” I replied.

Teddy met me at the corner, just a few shops down from the diner. I could tell he was filled with the same mix of excitement, curiosity and terror that I was. Of course, his source for excitement probably came from a different place than mine. I had not had a piece of that pie in weeks. My mouth watered.

“Let’s do this, sis.” He urged.

We walked into that familiar place. The one we had been coming to since we were kids. It wasn’t exactly known for it’s fine cuisine, but when you grew up with very little, you grow to appreciate quite a lot. It had not been painted in years. The plastic booths cracked and peeled. There was a slight musty smell, but none of that took away from the magic of it.

I looked around and didn’t see anyone I recognized. We decided to head to “our” spot to watch the door. We turned to head to the booth by the window and noticed a man sitting there with his back to us. As we approached, he turned to look at us. There were more wrinkles around his eyes than I had remembered. His hair was salt and pepper, not the rich brown it had been before. The grey suit and blue silk shirt he wore looked like it had cost him more than I had probably ever made in my life and the shiny Rolex on his wrist reflected the light overhead.

“Dad?” Teddy questioned.

Dad stood up, a huge smile creeping over his face. He looked genuinely pleased to see us. He engulfed Teddy in a hug and somehow Teddy found the strength to hug him back, despite his complete state of shock. Then he turned to me.

When he decided to go in for a hug, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to stand long enough to accept it. Or if I wanted to accept it. This man walked out of my life 17 years ago and just walked back into it. I always knew he had been running from mom. I never blamed him. But what about us? We were children. Maybe she had just hurt him so bad that he couldn’t heal being anywhere near her. It’s not like I didn’t understand that feeling. And how could I deny the person I had dreamt of walking through my front door for more than half my life.

“Well look at how beautiful you have gotten.” He stated. I knew it was a lie because beautiful was not a word that had ever been used to describe me, but I appreciated the affection and kind words, nonetheless.

“Here sit down,” he directed. “Let’s get some food ordered.”

After a few hours of indulging in my favorite foods and person, the one who filled my thoughts and dreams everyday for 17 years, dad decided it was time to announce the reason for his visit. I called it a visit. At that point, for all I knew he had been living around the corner all this time.

“So…” I could tell he was nervous, “I have something for you guys.”

My eyes lit up. I never received gifts. Mom would wrap up socks for our birthday when we were little, but I didn’t consider those gifts. Those were just her way of making socks without holes exciting, while she spent any extra money she ever had on booze and cigarettes.

“Here,” he said, handing us each an envelope. Inside was a check for $20,000. I was speechless.

“Dad, I can’t! It’s too much.” I cried.

“Nonsense,” he replied. “It’s the least I can do having not been around the last few years.

I choked on my pie. Last few years? Apparently 17 is just a few. I felt like snapping that at him, but I held back, not wanting to break the spell of our magical reunion. Besides, the man just gave me a fortune. I looked over at Teddy and he did not look quite as pleased by his check. That was not like Teddy. Teddy was always pleased.

“Teddy, what’s wrong?” I asked. Dad looked over at him as well, looking concerned.

“Nothing, let’s not do this here.” He replied. Do what here? I literally had no idea what he was talking about. Why was Teddy being so weird? He just got a ton of money. He could finally stop living off other people and get a place of his own. Or we could get a better place together. I was so excited.

“Teddy, what is the problem?” I asked. “This is amazing.”

“Let’s just go, Cyth.” Teddy stated, his tone flat.

“Dad just gave us an amazing gift. Is that really how you want to thank him?” I asked, starting to feel embarrassed at having this conversation in front of him.

“Dad,” Teddy started, “why have you given us this money?” His tone was accusatory. I was utterly shocked. I had never heard Teddy speak to anyone like this.

“Does a father have to have a reason to give his child money?” Dad asked, with a nervous chuckle. I looked from Teddy to dad, you could cut the tension with a knife. Why was Teddy ruining this for us?

“He probably doesn’t have to have reasons to give his actual children money, but perhaps he does with the ones he’s hidden away for 17 years.” Teddy had finally lost his cool. I heard myself gasp. What did he mean? Dad looked away.

“What other family?” I whispered. I didn’t think it could be true but my father looked ashamed? Guilty? Embarrassed? Who knows which. All I know is that his face said what he would not.

“What other family?” I repeated. Tears were gathering in the corners of my eyes.

“Cynthia,” he started. “You don’t understand…..” He hesitated to continue. I could tell he was trying to choose the right words to say.

“You were the other family.” He stated, this time he was the one with tears.

“What!?” My tears turned hot and angry. I stood up and threw my chair over. I was no longer worried about being polite or embarrassed. I needed an explanation.

“What do you mean we were the other family?!” I demanded. Teddy sat and tore a straw wrapper into pieces. He refused to acknowledge our heated conversation.

“I was married when I met your mom,” He admitted, “We were estranged for awhile but the few hour visits here and there were hard on the kids. They were blameless so Sophie and I decided to make things work for them. But part of our agreement for making things work again was that I could never see you guys again.”

My blood began to boil.

“WE WERE BLAMELESS KIDS TOO!!!!” I shouted.

“I know, I know,” he cried. “But I had obligations. I should never have run from them in the first place.” I could not believe what I was hearing. All this time we were fatherless so his other kids didn’t have to be?

“WHY ARE YOU HERE NOW!” I shouted again. Teddy looked up at me and then at dad. He wanted to know too.

“Next week I will be putting in my candidacy for state senate and was told to lock my skeletons up tight,“ he whispered again. Even he knew how disgusting he sounded.

“You are buying our silence?” I asked, but already knew the answer.

“Not exactly,” he replied. “When I realized how you two were living I wanted to help.”

“What about mom? What about her silence?” I asked.

“Your mother is not the kind of person I need to buy anything from. She would never say a word, she is too proud.” He explained.

It hit me just then. I had spent my entire life angry at the wrong person. My mother was a broken woman who did her best to pick the pieces of herself back up. She hardened herself, created a rough exterior that you couldn’t breakthrough. She made sure no one ever hurt her again. She just closed us out too.

“Lets go, Teddy,” I demanded, refusing to look at my dad again.

“Are you going to say anything?” He asked. He was terrified of what I might do in my rage.

“No,” I stated, “You are dead as far as I’m concerned.” Teddy stayed silent and we turned around and left.

After the most silent and longest block I’d ever walked in this giant, smelly city, I stopped Teddy.

“You knew, how did you know?” I asked.

“Some of us didn’t have the luxury of only being 4. You get to miss more when you are younger,” he explained.

“But you never said anything,” I pushed.

“I couldn’t crush the dreams of that sweet little girl and then as you got older, life did it for me. You became so bitter about life that I hoped you would never know that the man you loved and trusted had betrayed you.” He stated.

Poor Teddy. He was always so happy and positive. All this time he carried and protected me from that secret. He was wrong, the man that I loved and trusted had been here all along.

“What will you do with your money?” I asked him a while later as we strolled, letting the pain of what happened earlier wash over us and eventually past us. Teddy stopped and grinned. He pulled his check out and ripped it up.

“What money?” He asked as he laughed. I admired him. It didn’t take much to bring his cheerful demeanor back. I always thought his lack of ambition or desire for money was a cover because he felt like a failure for never having any. Perhaps I was wrong. Maybe he just didn’t need it to be happy.

“How about it, sis?” He asked, daring me to do the same. I thought about it for a minute. I could throw this check away and be free from my dad forever.

“Nah,” I answered. “It’s a long walk home and I had my eye on something in red with leather interior.