Divorce

As you know by now, I have been pretty open with my life falling apart. Piece by piece I am starting to put it back together, and of course it is not going to look the same. I am aware that life is changing but I didn't realize how different I would feel. No one can really prepare you for the emotions that come with getting a divorce. It's definitely not a step by step process. Actually, it feels like a pinball machine. You're constantly bumping to different sides and then you launch forward only to be back at where you started. Don't get me wrong, there is progress as time goes on but you still find yourself wondering "Am I ever going to feel safe again?" That's when I came to terms with the fact that my healing journey is still evolving.

I would very much like to be completely healed and moved on by now but that is not the case. Now I am no psychologist, but I am pretty sure any psychologist could tell you that the brain has suffered trauma when someone goes through an affair and divorce. So to have to rewire my brain has been incredibly annoying. Just to give you some insight, here is (some of) what sticks out to me: trust issues, guilt, and self-doubt. It doesn't progressively happen or in that order, it just comes at random times. And in waves too. Tends to feel like it is not going anywhere either.

Since it's not going anywhere, let's shake each one down shall we? First up; trust issues. I feel very much jaded at the thought of romance or love. Not that I am expecting it right now, because I know I need more time but I just don't seem to take men seriously. I have a wall up that I know I am using in order to protect myself mentally and emotionally. I don't trust what men have to say, let alone their actions behind it. It feels like I am waiting for the lies before they even come. I want to separate the weak guys from the honorable ones but instead I am just putting them ALL under one category, and it reads "MALE. DO NOT TRUST."

Guilt. That one is messing with my head more than a F boy would. You may be thinking "Guilt? You weren't the one to destroy your marriage, how are you feeling guilty?" I have been asking myself the same dang thing. I reflect back to certain moments in our marriage when things were going wrong. I was told that I don't do enough or I am not the same person as I was before and all these keywords and phrases that stick in your head, you start to believe it. Then you do the work to remind yourself, wait no, that is not who I am, that is just something someone said. Does not reflect my true self at all. But the work doesn't stop there and you have to be intentional with reminding yourself every day of who you are and not who they said you were.

If that weren't enough, I also have to struggle about the guilt of not having my family together anymore. This one is a hard one to swallow because you're dealing with not wanting the person you were with, just wanting the family that you once had. My son deserved better, he deserved a mom and dad together providing a nurturing home together. Unfortunately, that's not what he has and no matter how much we try to do that while co-parenting, he's still collateral damage. He didn't ask for this. So even if it wasn't my fault, the guilt and the pain stays the same.

Now this last one, is already an issue no matter where you are at in life. I think it just amplifies based on circumstance. Self-doubt has been creeping in now more than ever. The pressures of being a divorced single mom carries so much weight because automatically people are ready to say "She is so strong, she does it by herself, she does not need a man, etc." Which of course are wonderful words of encouragement but damn, I am not trying to do this alone! I can but I would rather not. I am imperfect and I mess up. I have found myself apologizing to my son when my emotions get the best of me and I speak out in frustration. I find myself doubting the career woman I know I can become in fear that means I am sacrificing my role as a mother. I feel like I am failing at being the woman of God He has called me to be and I am afraid of failing as a partner again (oop there's the guilt again).

So welcome back! I am still a mess. Emotionally and mentally. I want to love and be loved but I don't trust it. I want to see the pieces fall into place that make me realize why things happened the way they did. I want to feel safe with someone without questioning their intentions. I want to know that I can trust my decisions without second guessing them. At the end of the day, it's a lot of growth and prayer that I need to do along with some other activities. It's not going to happen overnight but one second, one hour, one day at a time and eventually I will see what came from what was. It's just going to take some time. I am okay filling in that time with wine, laughter, cuddles with my little boy, and heartfilled moments with people who genuinely love me.