Different

The photo included is of my oldest daughter and my great grandmother. This women adopted me when I was about 2 weeks of age. Legally about 6. I’ve decided to include this woman because it was not until after she passed away that all of questions and vulnerabilities came to the surface. Prior to her passing I have experienced some traumatic experiences that I will write about later on in a separate story.

I’ve always considered myself spiritually inclined after my experiences. But the unexpected sudden passing of my great grandmother forced many unexpected emotions to follow. At first I was very ill. Vomiting and stuck in almost a confused unreal state of mind. This state lasts for a few months. I than decided it was time to move forward, keeping her in my memories. During the decision to move forward, my state of mind grew to curiosity. Energy does not die but transfers.. Where did she go? Does she remember me? Was she in pain when she passed? Was she scared? Could she feel me holding her hand as her soul flew away? All these questions were things you have no one to ask so they are never said aloud.

Fast forward to 6 months later. The questions growing but left unanswered were beginning to cause worry for me and guilt. Her and I had argued that morning so I never got a chance to apologize until she was unresponsive. Later that night I cried myself to sleep with her in my thoughts; pushing as much energy towards her I could in hopes it would reach her wherever she was. It was that night that she came to me. It was all black behind her, and she was glowing. She didn’t speak a word but I felt her hands on my shoulders as I stood there sobbing. I looked down and asked her “where you in pain?” She lifted my chin and shared a smile with me that filled me with relief.

Although my questions remain, I’ve become more spiritually open with all of my experiences and forced life changes I have had to make. I look like an average person. I talk like your average neighbor. But the way I think is not. I do not fear death or the unknown, I embrace its arrival. I would not wish for it to come sooner, but I am very aware that it is nothing to be feared.