Dear Tracey,

Dear Tracey,

A few nights ago (well actually about a month ago now) I was on FaceTime with my best friend. After sitting in silence for about an hour—as spending every breathing second together threw us into a pit of having nothing left to gossip about—she suggested we play a game: We're Not Really Strangers.

This game is meant to "deepen your existing relationships and create new ones" but, if you ask me, the questions are way too deep and profound to pull out on a first date. Nonetheless, the game involves a deck of cards that have random questions such as "What has the most pain you've felt that hasn't been physical?" or "Do you think you've ever been in love?". See what I mean? Very deep.

As she was searching for cards on google images—because we obviously were not going to actually pay $25.00USD—she came across a question I'm sure I'll remember for a very long time, especially considering I am writing this letter about it: "Who came into your life at the perfect time?"

I truly mean this when I say within a split second your name popped into my head. Like, no questions asked. Basically immediately.

Looking back now with all that has changed — how different are lives have become — it seems sort of absurd that I still thought about it. But truly, without being overly cheesy, I thought "Tracey".

The time lapse between you living in our home for a bit and you dating my brother is blurry. I'm not sure what happened or when. I know that you popped into my life when I was 14, but the impact of your existence saved me when I was 15, in grade 10.

I'm not really sure what I did wrong but—when I entered high school—I lost all the friends I had from 7th grade. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe it was the overwhelming environment created in the sweaty, confined halls of my school. Or maybe I was just really annoying. Who knows honestly. All I can be completely sure of is that I was alone. Well, not entirely alone; I had you.

Most kids would spend their Friday and Saturday nights at parties, drinking Vodka naked and getting black out before 11 p.m. As much as a I wanted to do that stuff to, I was honestly just never invited. Instead of having the chance to sulk in my misery of loneliness, you always appeared when I needed you. You'd pop into my house with the most exciting energy; like a splash of paint on a pitch-black canvas.

Somehow, you always has the most perfect timing. I swear I would be on the absolute brink of tears—with drops sitting on my lash line–before I'd hear you knocking at my door. The tears would then quickly get sucked back in; you never gave them a chance to fall out.

I loved when we got bubble tea, where you made me fall in love with a smoothie flavour—the glorious Avocado—I never thought I'd touch. My favourite Saturday night activity was when we would drive to Blaze Pizza to make our favourite thin-crusts before bringing them home to munch on and binge Netflix. You even managed to get me to enjoy vegan food. Although I didn't convert, I certainly do not gag at the thought of fake chicken anymore.

I specifically remember one Christmas that you spent with my family and I. You bought me an LED gel nail lamp with two polish colours and a nail file. We spent the day watching cheesy Christmas Netflix classics while we painted our nails, trying to figure out how to use the gadget. I've never forgotten that day. It was such a simple, slow, and relaxing time; I remember it being so warm and fuzzy. Christmas was never a big deal in our home and once I turned 12, everyone sort of stopped caring. From then on, it was my responsibility to care about the tree, decorations, and presents; it was exhausting and demotivating to be the only one putting in effort. But then you came along, and we got to care together. You made the day actually feel like a Holiday, rather than a chore.

There is just something about your energy, you know? Even though I spent the first half of grade 10 hating my school and everything about it, I don't remember it to be as miserable as I should have. Having you around made it so much more bearable, even enjoyable. There came a point where after a hard day or week, I would be excited to come back home since I knew you'd be there. You were like a re-charge; I needed to spend time with you before I could roam those halls for another 8 hours.

In school, I meant nothing to anybody in that building. But at home, you made me feel important. Like I wasn't something to just ignore or try to dismiss. Like I was actually someone you wanted around. You reminded me of my inherit worth and strength, which is so easy to lose as a teenage girl. This all felt foreign at the time but really nice.

Words can't fathom how much you've done for me. On so many fronts, I truly don't know where I would be today without you. You have unwavering compassion and genuine empathy, with both traits saving me when I felt lost.

Now that I am older writing, this out seems sort of absurd. I know that this comes from the lens of a teenager who thinks high school is the end-all and be-all of the world, but you showed me that life doesn't have to be horrible. I'm not sure if you saw me struggling and put the effort in on purpose, or if you were simply just being yourself, but it changed me. I hope you can grasp how influential you really were.

You've accomplished a lot in your life and—from what I see—you're living a happy and successful one. But if you ever need a pick me up of any sort, I just need you to remember how much you mean to me. How much you have done for me. As I grow older—which is happening a lot faster than I thought—I will always have this image of you in my mind. This image of an actual ray of sunshine. This image of a manic pixie girl that brought me out of a dark place. You weren't just another adult in my life; you were Tracey. You helped me more than you ever had to. You gave me more than you ever had to. You were there for me more than you ever had to.

I truly felt like you were the sister I always wanted. For that, I am eternally grateful.

With unexplainable amounts of love,

Ayla