Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I wanted to honor you with the Southern Bell send off you desired. A room full of flowers and family all loving you gently while you expired. We did not get that, the absence of it, the harsh way you were pulled from this world initiated my break down. Wishing for a different experience and not able to create it, I began to run again, through all the darkness and the mist, I lost myself, awake in a nightmare, unable to fall asleep and rest.

I ran and ran and ran, finding no safe place to land. Haunted by darkness and demons, I could not hear above my screaming. Plagued by a mind addicted to seeking the place where you were sleeping, I felt buried underground. No soft arms to embrace and save me, lost in a storm unable to stop shaking. Prostrations to your ghost landed me face down, on an island with no inlet, unwilling to find solace in a world void of your blessing.

All purpose left me, I sought love in all the wrong ways, in all the wrong places, desperate to be found pleasing, I sold myself as nothing, not deserving, only serving. The itchy crawling in my mind, left me full of anxiety that never ended, it persisted all the time. No good moment to say goodbye, not one day passed in which I did not cry.

The crack is the wound where the light gets in.

I love you, I was wounded.

First we must open the wound that we keep tightly guarded. We open the wound with the revelation of truth.

I’m sorry, we were wounded.

The light floods in with understanding and loving. Re-mothering, a re-learning.

Please forgive me, I forgive you, let’s receive healing.

The grace of forgiveness heals our wounds, washing us clean to begin again. A new experience emerges out of our wound.

I love you and I feel your love for me.

We can not experience grace without first inviting in the safety of love.

Thank you, Thanks you, Thank you, Thank you.

The elementals provide a wave, a re-balance of our pain and suffering, loving kindness brings us grace.

My wounded self felt abandoned, afraid, ashamed to be wounded. My breathing shallow I felt a family of bubbles move in to surround me. Light reflected off the iridescent nature and flooded into my eyes, I was floating, in a sea of bubbles, protected on every side. The velvet of their touch softened my bristled spine. Quieting my mind, I could hear you whispering softly in my ear, guiding me gently on.

Be proud of yourself, you deserve self care, I wish you to be well. Fear rushed into save me, I collapsed upon the ground. Everyone turned their backs on me, or I turned mine on them. Others had no advice for me and didn’t understand the depth of my pain, they said my grief should be completed, was time for it to end.

Grief was a raw bomb buried inside me. The pin had been pulled, while my heart attempted to hold the detonation down, I felt I was loosing ground, waiting for the sound. The explosion of all time, freeing me from the underground.

Shock-numbness

Bargaining-begging

Denial-delusions

Depression-reflection

Anger-guilt

Acceptance-loneliness

Reconstruction-hope

New Living-love

Round and round I went, attempting to find some air. Grace brings us what we most resonate with, I resonated in despair.

A relationship with art was introduced to me. Frustration happened in not being able to produce to the level of my taste. Inability to pull out what I saw, left me feeling the darkness overwhelming. Push back your ego, I heard, move on and produce the best that you can. Learn while traveling the path set for you. Grace will find you and lend you freedom from the pain. Although distant your whispers found their way in. The art began to reframe.

As I released the anger my body released the pain. My heart unable to hold the weight of the loss, I had to find a way to do the work, a way to end the shame, a way forward to breathe free, not in vain.

I sent him away mom, gave it everything I had. Introduced him to peacock farming, locked him inside with them. He can not hurt you anymore, I pray to the divine. You are safe out of his reach and hopefully so am I. Traveling alone now, I open all the dark doors. Building bravery I’m learning, divinely protected I soar.

Love and grace from your daughter