Dear Mom: I Judged You

Dear Moms,

I have a confession I need to share -

I used to judge you both. Not intentionally or out of spite. But I did. I saw your lives and the decisions you made and decided I could never make the same decisions for my own life.

My mom and dad had me when they were both 25 years old. They had been married for six years when I came along. My mom had already had my older sister and brother before she met my dad but he always felt they were his own. Then when I was five years old my parents divorced. I don’t really remember much about this time in my life, only fragments of moments. I can remember it was late at night and I was standing on the porch. All of our belongings, or what felt like all of our belongings, were being loaded up onto a trailer. I remember my sister, who would have been around 15 or 16 years old at the time, telling me that now I’ll have two bedrooms, two Christmases and two birthdays. I was very excited about that. I remember sitting in the dining room crying. Not because my parents were getting a divorce but because I wanted the dining room to be my bedroom and my mom said no. I know my mom did the best she could do with the cards she was given.

Over the next three years a lot changed. My mom remarried and divorced again. My sister got married when she was 18 years old. My dad had also remarried. My mom was struggling a lot at this time. She had gotten into a horrible car accident that really changed her life. Not so much physically but more mentally. Of course, I, being so young, didn't really understand what was happening. She went to jail for a few months when I was 10 because of her drinking. I went through a lot of changes during that time. I “became a woman” as they say. I formed a new relationship with my stepmom - though we both hate the word “stepmom”. She always said it made her think of the wicked stepmother from Cinderella. She has never referred to me as her step daughter, only as her daughter, so I never wanted to say "step" either. I always called her by her name Christine. She is my mom too. Christine was young when she married my dad. She was about 20 years old and my dad was 32. Becoming the mother of an eight year old at 20 is bound to have its own set of problems, but she was and is an amazing mom who I am grateful for. While all of this was going on she really stepped up. No pun intended. She and my dad got full custody of me and they decided to put me into a Christian private school when I was in the fourth grade. My teacher's name was Mrs. Wilson. The last time I saw my mom before she went to jail, she dropped me off at school. I remember walking up to Mrs. Wilson and crying.

From the moment I was born, I was raised in church. Anytime the doors were open I was filled with the Holy Spirit. I remember it well, especially when I was 7. I sat on a pew in the front row and was overwhelmed with the love of Christ that I had never felt before. It's a love that I can still feel strongly even as I write this. After that night I would talk to Jesus like he was right there beside me. Over time I learned His voice, a voice that would guide me through many trials over the next decade of my life.

However unintentional, I feel like a lot of Christians judge others, even though this is the exact opposite of what we are supposed to do. Leaning into my faith has been a helpful way for me to be more considerate in judgmental moments. I was raised to believe that Jesus is the perfect example of compassion. When I call on myself to be more compassionate, I think of Bible verses like John 3:17, which says that Jesus was not sent to earth to condemn humanity but to save it through love.

Even though I would never have said these things out loud, I most definitely judged in my heart. I had judged my mom for not going to church. I judged her for being a teen mom and having two kids by the time she was 17. I judge her for having three kids with three different fathers. I judged her for letting alcohol and other things take hold of her life. I would never have children with more than one man. I would never do drugs or let alcohol have a place in my life. I will always go to church.

I also judged Christine. Her and my dad had SIX CHILDREN over the next few years. As much as I love my siblings and was excited when each one came along, I couldn’t help but tell myself I would never have more than three or four kids. It became a joke at school and church when every other year another baby was on his or her way. It was loud. It was messy. I spent a lot of time in my room.

Now for myself - I was a teen mom and had four kids under age 4 by the time I was 19. By age 22, I was divorced after 6.5 years of marriage. I was a single mom of six kids from two different fathers at age 23. And now I’m a remarried mother of 12 and there are three different fathers. I haven’t been to church regularly in a few years. I’ve had my battles with alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. If only the young me could see me now.

I confess I judged you both. I was so naïve to the real world. I am sorry for judging you. I’m sorry for any hurt I’ve caused. The biggest lesson I have learned in life is to never judge another human being. You have no idea of the journey that they’re on.

I hope you can forgive me,

Britni