Dear Mom, I Don’t Blame You

Dear mom,

I have watched your light dim and watched your light fight to shine again. I am proud of the progress you have made and the woman you are fighting to get back to. You selflessly gave up your life to four kids and a husband that was unable to ever reciprocate the love that abundantly exuded from you like a summer sun that just won’t quit. You showed me what it meant to vulnerable, raw, and honest and made sure that despite what dad said, my emotions were real and they were OK to have. Meanwhile you were struggling to feel as though your own feelings were valid. In case no one has told you, your feelings matter, more than you may ever realize.

I never knew until now just how hard you fight day in and day out. It was not until I had my own family with a man much like dad that I truly realized your strength and your pain. My respect for you grew immensely after having my own children, but it grew even more when I realized why you fought and what you are still fighting for. Not only were you at the mercy of four kids but you meticulously planned every detail of every day in hopes that dad might actually come home happy, which as time has gone on has proven to be an impossible task. All your kids are grown and I still see you trying. Only this time you are trying to heal yourself in the process and for that I am so proud of you.

The first time I saw your light begin to dim, you had just found out my sister had been subjected to the unthinkable by a person whom our family trusted. She was a victim long before she could come forward in fear she was going to lose her family at just eight years old. I watched you fall to your knees in sorrow and guilt. Mom, I hope you know that it was not your fault and that as horrible as it was, it was out of your control. You walked with her through her healing and still are to this day and she has had some very low points as a result of her trauma. As a mother now, I cannot fathom what you felt and how you managed to help her begin to heal while you felt your world was crashing.

Then there came a day where I truly thought your light was lost and I did not know if we would ever get you back. Your mother’s intuition was so strong and led you to the worst sight you have ever seen that day. Your heart told you that you needed to stop by the house on your lunch break, so you did. My little brother’s bedroom door was locked and there was complete silence behind it. You knew something was wrong and you pounded on his door only to receive no response. Through your panic you were able to get the door unlocked where you found him laying unconscious and unable to wake. Without thinking you dialed 911 who directed you to get him on ground and begin CPR. On the way down you accidentally smacked his nose on the bed post, a blow that still did not wake him but only left a stain impossible to remove from his carpet. You began CPR and did not stop until the paramedics ripped you off of him. They had to give him two shots of Narcan just to get him to come to. You were broken. You almost lost your only son, and had you not been there, he may have suffered and irreversible fate.

For years after that you became closed off. You just did not have the emotional space for anything or anyone else at that time. I was angry with you for that. I needed you and I could not have you. I was selfish and I am sorry. I was unable to get outside of myself during my darkest time to understand what your delicate heart ahead had been through and what it would take to even begin to heal. Your light was so dim and I feared we had lost you. Then one early February day, my sister gave you your first grandchild and I watched your light turn back on. It was the happiest I had seen you in years. You found yourself again and remembered your purpose. That day was so beautiful. I see you, mom. I see your pain, I see your fight, and I feel all your love you have so selflessly given. I do not blame you at all for wanting time to take care of you. I do not blame you at all for setting boundaries you were afraid to set before, and I do not blame you for being the woman you are today.