Dear Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad,

You divorced when I was 11 and in fifth grade. Before that, you separated the summer before my 3rd grade year. I remember standing in the garage as you packed your motorcycle dad, and you left my mom for another woman who lived over 650 miles away. A woman as far as I know you had never met. I remember before that being dragged around town as my mom looked for you on a Friday because she thought you were with another woman. I also remember when you came back.

I remember the arguments, the crying, the yelling, the accusations, and the moodiness that hung over the house. The ups and downs of the holidays that as an adult I hate so much.

I remember visiting cousins and their dad on the other side of the state and walking in on you, dad, as you made out with your first wife on the couch...while you were married to my mom. I remember the drunk weekends while visiting them and this uncle by marriage was the one who beat your sister while they were married but you still wanted to party with him. And I remember the women you brought back. The one named Dee with two teenagers who you were seeing that day in February of my fifth-grade year when you left my mom for the last time.

I remember vividly and still live with it today your moodiness mom, your insecurities, your accusations of things you make up in your head. Your dependence on having a man in your life. Your decision to be with a man who was married with 2 small children and ultimately the breakup of that marriage. You became that other woman that is despised by wives everywhere the one you chased my dad around about.

I am and always will be the worst of both of you. I have your mannerisms dad the ones you hate so much mom. I am too much like you, mom to suit you, dad. I look like my mom and strive daily to not be her. I try to think through my actions before sticking my foot in my mouth, I am a very private person instead of airing my dirty laundry to the world, and I have a great marriage of almost 30 years with no infidelity.

Today I have a really strained relationship with you, mom. You stress me and you make it hard to be around you don't see this you like to say I'm moody. Your insecurities have gotten worse in the last four years since your 3rd husband passed away. Thankfully this one wasn't married when you met.

A few years ago, you did something at a farewell that we were having for our son who was leaving for a church mission. You being you stuck your foot in your mouth thinking you were justified over something you thought happened over 37 years ago and made the situation between my dad, stepmom, and me very uncomfortable. This was an event that you made everything about you as you make all events. You told me about this triumphantly about a year ago, but I have known about it for 6 years. My dad has not visited me since.

Another strained relationship is with you, dad. I stopped years ago trying to be the daughter you want. I will never be that person. My children and I will never be my stepsister and her children. I will never be the son my stepbrother is for you. So, I stopped....Your family with my stepmom makes you happy and she is happier when I am out of the picture so I stay away. If this is a wrong interpretation on my part then I am sorry but you have not done a damn thing to change how I feel and why I have stepped away.

We see each other when I go to see you or you come through on your way to do something with your family, but that is hard for me and uncomfortable. My stepmom jokingly said last summer that my mom will probably live with me. And yes she will she has no one except me she doesn't have stepchildren she likes more than me and I am the only one she has. You, dad have 2 other children that know you better and you love and like better than me.

In my eyes, I will always be that selfish spoiled fat girl your wife liked to call me as a teenager dad. I will always be insecure when I am with you like my mom. I will always have the genetic mannerisms of my dad that you dislike so much mom. I am a product of a marriage of two people that should probably never have met nor had children. I am a selfish person, prideful to a fault, moody, and insecure...BUT I am also independent, strong-willed, private, creative, and willing to learn and grow.

But this letter is it I am no longer that product of genetic waste you both hate so much. I am an individual married to my first and only husband for almost 30 years with two amazing children. I am everything you despise in each other and I am amazing!