Dear Mom

Dearest Momma,

I love you but I am realizing how much I was hurt by you during my childhood. After you died, I got pregnant and had a daughter. I have some of your journals and I have taken a glance through them. I saw your world from the inside of your mind. I am so saddened that you never took more time for yourself. I am saddened that you worked so hard during your life that you had limited time with your children. I am saddened that you always put work before your children. I am proud of the work you did for this world but that doesn't leave me saddened that I wasn't a bigger part of your life. I believe you worked so hard so that you could provide for us, but what we really needed was you.

Raising my child has shown me how disconnected we were. I remember are stories of you taking off Thursdays, to spend the day with me when I was a toddler. You liked to take me to the library for story time. And you always said I left you and went to sit with other Mothers. This kills me. I was so disconnected with you that I chose not to be with you when we had the opportunity to be together. It is no wonder I was so close with my au pair. Gosh, I loved her. I still wonder what happened to her. Did it break her heart when Bekah died? Was that part of her leaving? Did she go back to Yugoslavia? Did she come to this country willingly? I digress..

You were the working parent. You didn't spend days on end with us when we were children. I feel, in some ways, we were your token children We checked the boxes on the Societal Standard of American Living. Husband, Wife, daughters, until the beloved son was born.

I remember reading about your weaning process when you were breastfeeding us. You just left us and went away with Dad for the weekend. Cold Turkey? Three months old. Harsh. I have read about this, as I am continuing my breastfeeding journey with my daughter, who has just turned two. Some parents choose this method so they don't have to witness the blood curdling screams. It is no wonder I have a special bond with my grandparents, they took care of me when you abandoned me for the weekend. I also feel so insanely torn because you quite often said, "No child ever died of crying." You frequently said you would leave us crying, and go into another room with your headphones on and count until some time had passed then you would go back to check on us. I absolutely do not do "Cry it Out" with my child, as my fear of abandonment ran deep.

I also feel for you. Dad was always pressuring you to preform your "marital duties." Probably why you consented to the weekend trips to the beach. He was constantly shaming you for the weight you gained as a mother of SEVEN children. He was an absolute terror of a husband and I am saddened you had chose to live with him for so long.

I am thankful we had time together when I was older. I deeply love/loved you. Our bond grew strong in my twenties. A new bond, developed. I was able to confide in you and rely on you in ways I could not before.

Your dedication to my father, even after the divorce put a huge strain on our relationship. You always turned to him instead of following your own intuition. This was extremely damaging to our relationship. Somehow you always had hope and faith in him. And he always let you down. I don't believe there was ever a time in our lives where we could rely fully on Dad. He was self-centered and Egotistical. I don't think he EVER put his children first. He always put his needs above ours and you allowed him to to walk all over you, even through his dying days.

Dad cheated on you, emotionally abused you, and admitted to not desiring you sexually, you still wanted to be with him. You did everything within your power to save your marriage. Where was his responsibility to you? Did he ever care about you or the marriage above his professional career? You said you had love for him even after you both were remarried. You said he was your first and true love. In my humble opinion, you never knew true love. Your second husband sexualized you and never appreciated you for who you were, also in my humble opinion. I am saddened to know you never experienced true love. I might not have a husband or a partner, but I am grateful I am not in a relationship where I am taken advantage of on a regular, daily basis.

You love was unwavering, but you never showed it in the way I needed. We always had food, and clothes, and fun experiences, but hardly ever your time. Maybe my love language is Quality time, maybe yours is was Gift giving? Regardless, my needs were not met in my childhood and it has taken a lot of self-reflection to come to terms with my upbringing.

Momma Dukes, to be completely honest, I miss our adventures together. I miss being able to go to you and talk about my problems and be met with loving and supportive arms. While my childhood was less than perfect, c'est la vie. IT has made me a stronger person and given me a burning desire to help others with their childhood trauma.

While I didn't have much time with you in my twenties, I cherish the moments we had together. I will always remember the nights we had together at the dinner table, drinking wine, and laughing or crying about or life. I will cherish the trips to Coldstone where we were able to get away from your needy husband, and when I lived down the street you had a place of refuge to relax.

While this letter seems to ramble on and on, I feel happy that I am able to communicate with your spirit in this way. I do not harbor ill-will against you. I know you did the best you could. I simply am reflecting on my own experiences.

I love you, Mom.