Dear Lynda

Dear Lynda,

Words are something I don't normally struggle with. From a young age, you liked to poke fun at my need to always dominate a conversation. As I grew up, one of the first thing I would tell people about me is "I talk too much". Even as an adult, at 40, I still talk to much.

But, now, when I need them the most, words come short. There are not enough words to describe what I need to say to you. You are my best friend, my confidant, my support, my encouragement.

You are my mother.

Our relationship wasn't always good. I was a difficult child, and impossible teen, and a stubborn adult. I would often come to you for advice, only to ignore it because I felt that my way was better. And it almost never was. I know that I caused you to cry so many tears. Tears of fear, tears of worry, and, at times, tears of joy. I know that as easy as it would have been to wash your hands of me a long time ago, you have chosen to love me through some of the darkest times of my life. You have been, and always will be, the first person I turn to when I need shelter from the storms. Yes, I know, some of those storms were self made. Yet, there you are, still loving me.

When I was 15, and your marriage to dad ended, I promised myself I would never, ever be like you. I was angry. I was scared. I resented the fact that you left me with a dad who could care less about me. But, over time, I watched from the sidelines as you rebuilt your life. You had been married to dad for 18 years. Save for one small block of time that you worked outside of the home, you spent those 18 years loving your husband and raising my brother and I. You worked tirelessly to turn a house into a home and to give my brother and I a safe place to lay our heads. So, when you left dad, you not only left me, you left the only life you had really ever known. You had to take care of yourself. For the first time in years, you didn't have dad to fall back on. Over time, you worked to rebuild your life. You overcame so many obstacles. You worked endlessly to shred the identity that you carried for nearly 20 years, and create something new.

I was mad at you. But, I was also proud. Because, against all odds, you were making something new for yourself. You were silencing the naysayers. You were emerging from the wreckage from your marriage, stronger and better than ever.

As an adult, I would face some pretty intense storms. Many of them would knock me off of my feet, leave me feeling unsteady. Depression and anxiety would become some of my best friends. I didn't know how I was going to find my way through these storms. And, each time, as I questioned my ability to conquer these demons, I would find myself thinking about you. What you would have done. How you would have reacted, And, with that knowledge in hand, I took steps forward. One by one, I would make my way out of storms. Guided by the knowledge I had gained watching you. I rebuilt myself a few times. I became unapologetic for the way I lived. I grew. I thrived.

Mom, I know that while you were in the midst of your divorce, you never once imagined that your storms would one day change my life for the better. But, they have. You have changed my life. You have taught me to live my life the way I want to. You have taught me that I don't any one an explanation for doing what is best for me. You have taught me how to overcome, conquer, and grow.

I am 40 now. I am a mom myself. I often look at my 13 year old daughter and hope that I can do for her what you did for me.

Mom, you not only taught me to be a strong, independent woman, you saved my life.

And there will never be enough words to tell you how much I love you for that.

-Melissa