Dads are no joke

My dad, where do I begin.

My dad taught me strength, he gave me the kind of strength and a protection of unconditional love that kept me alive. If you knew me or my story you would be shocked I am. There’s moments I remember him taking my brother and I out motorbike riding quote “if you don’t fall off your not going hard enough”, only thing was if you did you weren’t allowed to cry.

I’ve only seen my dad cry a handful of times in my life and knowing I caused maybe a hundred more times and all those late nights he stays up worried about me. I guess I’m tearing up now.

My dad grew up on a farm, he grew up tough and his dad was an alchoholic with a bad gambling addiction. I know he was abusive. My dad did everything he could to be the opposite. That doesn’t mean he’s not a hard ass. He’s the type of person to go above and beyond behind your back and never tell you. There aren’t many people like that in this world. He loves a bit of praise for cooking or doing the dishes I’ll tell you that but the real life stuff. He keeps that to himself. Sometimes I learn years later the lengths he’s gone for me when someone has hurt me or done something extremely cruel: not inciting violence my dad can make a man’s skin crawl with just one look. But he’s not violent. He is so much more then any of that. He loved me through years of drug addiction.

I woke up 2016 November from a coma, I slipped into an overdose in bed next to my mum don’t think I don’t live with that shame. My dad was working away and he and I fought the night before I’d abondoned my younger brother and his friend in Sydney instead of staying with them (they were old enough) to abuse my sickening substance of choice one rarely heard of, super dangerous and one I won’t be promoting here.

He waited for me with mum and my brother and his best friend, my sister was living out of home at that time. When we were packing my things in the back he was going off calling me a “selfish C” and I was crying because he was right and he’d been searching for me again.

I don’t deserve any awards for this but 730 am when he’d driven two hours to work and got the call from my mum I don’t imagine how he felt and I can feel my heart fluttering right now admitting to this pain. I woke up, cardiac arrest followed by a seven hour coma they didn’t know if I would wake up from.

My dad was sobbing. He’s the first one I saw. I’m crying writing this my whole family was there, crying too.

They took my parents away to get rid of the amount of poison I had I had no idea the charges I could have faced holding that in my possession back then. The doctors told them to cut me off I was an addict, a heavy using addict that might die and they should distance me. God bless my family I pray everyday I can be a better person it took me years to get to where I am now but they found help for me.

When I was a teenager my dad would always say “don’t put yourself in any bad situations”. Unfortunately I couldn’t stop chasing them until a year and a half ago minus the manic episode that just passed sometimes you have to laugh.

When I went to rehab everytime we spoke he just told me “keep punching”. Years of that being sometimes the only thing he could or would say to me.

I sound like the worst villain you could write up. I was only cruel to myself it doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt them on the way down and back up, followed by constant ups and downs.

Today my dads biggest issue with me is my boyfriend who happens to be great but needs to prove himself. I’ve been abused too many times and he finally gets a say before anything is too late and I can finally smile writing this. Tears in my eyes.

My dads the first to yell at me as soon as I get home even yesterday morning he came into my room “We’re going, bye love ya.” Pause. “Your room looks like shit you better fix this before I get back”. I was unbothered.

Everyone in my family extended and friends as well always would say to me “Don’t you know how much your dad loves you? He always has”.

There’s so many times he came and saved me. Picked me up a mess from bad situations. Found out I lived a life no father could ever agree with please use your imagination I am trying to go by community guidelines but the worst thing a daughter can turn out to be without having an absent or abusive father. Don’t get it twisted we are dysfunctional but my lifestyle choice came down to trauma. Power and control regaining it and I guess money. He found out by the man who held me hostage for five days through him. I went back to the rehab I had just got out of.

I thought my family would never talk to me again. To this day he only went off on me once about it.

He still loves me. That part of my life is over but I might’ve gotten arrested and had in my charge sheet even though it was irrelevant the whole thing was and of course he seen it.

He never said anything again he just loved me a little more openly. Especially when I asked him if he’d speak to me better to help me pick men who valued me because I had such low self esteem. Being yelled at all the time doesn’t always help. But being told no matter what I went through I kept getting knocked down by life but this isn’t about me it’s about him. My dad. Thank you for always, always teaching me to “keep punching”. Without you I wouldn’t be here.

If I had a heavy weight champion belt I would have been handing it over to you in the corner because that’s who it belongs to. You pulled me through. My mum too but this one’s for you dad.

I love you always.

I just hope your getting more sleep at night I pray for the best and I know luck and strength will bring in the rest.

Keep punching.