Consequences of Dependence

As far as I'm concerned, these past four years have been one of the worst years I've ever had to go through. I am 23 years old, and I am still being treated like a child, and rightfully so, as I live under their roof, and follow their rules. 2020 just happened to take the cake for just how much I want to jump in front of the nearest Bart train.

If you're a college student and you live under strict parents, listen to me: DO NOT TAKE THEIR ADVICE. You know what happened when I took my parents' advice?

"You don't have to work, we'll take care of everything" quickly turns into, "You're so ungrateful, I've done everything for you and you don't even have a plan for yourself."

Let's just rewind a bit, to see where exactly this all began. So, in high school, I've decided within myself that I wanted to be a housewife. I wanted a simple, traditional life. I can perfectly understand the confused look on your faces, but I can assure you, this doesn't come from self-hatred or, "internalized misogyny."

You see, I had always wanted to be a mother, and it started when I was very young. This wasn't because my parents were exposing me to traditional values or the media, it just happened. My apartment building had lots of children, including infants, so, growing up, I was able to visit neighbors and see their small children. I even skipped my school just to play with the baby.

Around high school, I babysat the children of the carpenter my parents would hire to build chicken pens, fix the porch, and other house upgrades. I've looked after infants, toddlers, and children throughout my history, so it's a no brainer that I would develop a motherly instinct.

So, I started joking with my parents about it, "how about, instead of going to college, I just become a housewife?"

What was their response?

They'd throw me out of the house over that. My mother was more aggressive about it, because she herself is a housewife, now working as a house keeper, and while I can get why she'd be concerned, I feel like she really screwed over my life by pushing this college life on me.

She never had plans. She never saved up, she never did anything during her youth up until her late 30s, when she married my father and had my big brother and I. She was a traveler, went wherever she wanted, with little education. Is she to expect that the college life was going to help me stop from being like her? I'm miserable AND in debt.

I wasn't like her. She didn't even pass high school before she immigrated to the states, I at least graduated high school. I could have done the bare minimum. I wasn't planning on wasting money on travelling or stupid things, I only had one thing in mind, and that was Italy and settling down there. It probably would mean working small jobs and spending a lot of money, but anything was better than being in debt and living at home. I would rather die a homeless person in Italy than live a rich person in the United States.

Don't even get me started on my father. He had worked his whole life, from teenage years until his recent retirement. In his youth, he had jobs that made him happy, but his later years, these jobs made him miserable.

To their credit, they're just like any other parent and want what's best for them. I feel like, according to my mental health, what's best for me is killing me. Slowly.

So I go to college to study game development. Big. Mistake. Ever. You'd think getting into game development would mean easy money until you have to have experience, compete with others that have more skills and better work ethics than you, you have to push yourself to do projects that you're bored of and have no reason to actually give a damn whether or not it looks good in your portfolio, but you have every reason to worry about it flopping because your name is on there, Mr. John Proctor. And even still, my parents STILL doesn't understand why this field isn't that easy to get into, and if anything, I could have at least spent my time somewhere else, and get this dream done and over with when the time comes.

My original idea was to go to Italy, and at LEAST study over there, and settle down there when I'm properly ready. I'm incredibly in love with Italy, and I would live, die, kill for Italy. I've learned as much as I could when it comes to language, yes, but I feel like I could have learned more, especially when it comes to culture. Most of the things I should know by now were blocked by the piling college work.

I don't have much support now. I'm going to drop out soon and I have little money to move out. I guess that's why I'm here. I made a mistake listening to my parents, and it kills me to think about it. I don't even like my work that much, really, I mean I enjoy it, but I think I could have waited a little while longer, and prepared for Italy better. All in all, I feel like I'm on the edge of life and death because, yes, I'm young, but with everything that's going on, I feel like my life has been wasted. I wasted four years over something that I could've pursued later on, without debts.

I want to start having children by the age of 24. I hate the idea of, "30s is the new 20s," because my mother had several miscarriages because she had children so late, it even affected my brother's mental health because both the age gap between my mother and father and the fact that they were both old anyways. It's humiliating to tell people about how old my dad is, because he's actually old enough to be my grandpa. It feels horrible to say that about my parents, but I'm at my wits end here, I blame myself every day when I think about where I am, and where I should be, and what I could have done for myself if I had just listened to my gut instinct, instead of looking at my parents for advice. At the end of the day, they didn't baby me, I took the wrong advice, I stayed in a country I despised so much, I took too long to make the right decision.

Right now, I have a loving boyfriend, who I've known for a year now. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and of course, with my luck, he's all the way in Italy. I did this to myself, really. I can blame my parents all I want, but at the end of the day, I've been hurting myself by letting them manipulate me.

I don't think I can stand my parents any longer, especially my mother. She really pressured me to a horrible degree to pursue something I was never sure of. My dreams are crushed, and it was because I was too weak to push myself to do something I wanted for myself, discovering what was really best for me, and because my parents fully took advantage of my weak nature. No more. I'm getting out of here even if it means I die trying. And I really mean it. I'm getting out whether or not I get out in a body bag.

Listen. You can take your parents' advice, but you have to also know what's really best for you. Is this what you want? To fully let your parents control how long you get to live in their home? Of course, there will be economical factors that force you to live home, but if you had the chance to move out, and make your own rules, wouldn't you leave? For your own sanity, privacy? I had my father come into my room while I was in college, and rearrange the damn place. I lost my usb because of that, and it had PLENTY of work in it. Is THAT what you want? Know your parents, but most importantly, know what you can do for yourself, think for yourself, and do for yourself.

Think about that, because if I get any more unlucky, this might be one of my remains of the internet. And yes, I am thinking of ending myself. Do not let anyone do to you what my parents did to me. Do not wrong yourself the way I had. Fight. Win.