Clowns are not scary

When I was about 8, around 1985, I heard about a contest on the oldies radio station. It was a drawing contest. Contestants were to draw their best picture of a clown and the winner would get to go to the circus for free with 3 friends and get their faces painting by the clowns before the show. So, I promptly drew my masterpiece clown and my mom sent it in.

In order for me to make my case I have to give a little bit of personal history and back ground. At that time, my parents had been divorced for 4 or so years and that was very traumatic for our family as it is for most families. By then my mother had married another man and we lived in his house. My little sister lived with my father then and being split apart from her was the most awful experience I had up to that point. She and I were really close until we were ripped apart.

When they separated us we had both been living with my father, who would soon be remarried. Only days after my fathers wedding they sat me down to tell me that I would be going to live with my mother and that my sister would stay with them. I can only remember the pain of being rejected and the loss of my beloved sister who I adored even though she ate my Barbie doll’s feet... all of the feet, completely off of all of the dolls... anyway, we were both traumatized. We held each other and cried for the rest of my last day there.

So I went to live with my mom and my step dad. I missed my sister so much that I could only think of ways to get her to live with me. She was my best friend and I was so lonely. I think she was easier to deal with between the two of us because I was a troubled 8 year old and she was a sweet little 4 year old then. I think she was easier for my step mom to deal with. But living with my mom was good at first because I had missed her too. It’s hard for children being torn apart from divorce no doubt.

It didn’t help that after a while I began to notice how awful my step dad was. Before they got married he was fun and nice. But after they wed he began withdrawing to “his chair” and drinking a 6 pack of beer each night. He would bark, snap his fingers and point to communicate. He never spoke to us unless he was grunting a command of some sort. Words were not his strong suit. But mornings he put on the oldies station and I grew to love the classic songs I heard every morning. It was the only joy inside the home.

The same man used to force me to eat the fat and grissle off of the meat at dinner. So I ended up becoming vegan as an adult... hey, turns out he did have a positive affect on me after all! Because of him, I don’t drink, I’m vegan and I grunt when I want something. Just kidding about the grunting. Anyway, while listening to the oldies station one morning I was shocked to hear my name on the radio, that I had been the winner of the contest! I was so excited because I had never won anything in my little life.

I gathered my 3 friends and we embarked on a magical journey to the circus to meet the clowns! It was the most surreal experience a kid could imagine. We met the clowns before they were wearing their costumes. They were back stage getting ready when we entered. Each clown gently took a child’s hand and lead them to the dressing room. They we so angelic already painted with base white. I swore they had halos. They transported us to a beautiful world with sparkling costumes and lights. They were sweet and kind. I can remember their sweet voices and laughter.

The clown who took my hand has remained in my heart still to this day! She explained how to properly paint a clown face and how to accent a persons features. She moved about so gracefully. She said she saw my drawing and that it was beautiful! She said, clowns are artists who paint their faces and use their expressions and bodies to make people happy and cheer people up. She said, “a clown’s whole purpose is to make people smile.” That was when I learned that there was good in the world. After she painted my face she let me watch her paint her own face. I sat quietly and watched intently. I was in awe! It was a moment I will never forget as long as I live. It was a moment of joy and peace in my tormented little reality. Most people have an entire childhood full of joyful memories, in mine, this was the only one.

Then we watched the clowns perform in the circus. It was wonderful as you can imagine, with the contortionists and trapeze artist flying through the air. I’m not sure if my friends even remember, and to be honest, I am not certain who all I chose to go with me. All I remember is the magic of the clowns and their ability to make everything seem alright somehow.