Bonus Dad

"You need to lay down the law!" Gary offered advice after hearing about my situation. "Show the kid who's boss!" Then motioning over to his college-bound son sitting around the fire pit with friends. He became compelled to give me an example of his stellar parenting skills.

"When Bruce was fourteen, he stayed up playing video games sometimes until sunrise," Gary said, then after taking a drink, continued. "This made getting up for school the next day impossible. I had to block the internet during school nights," he paused. "I think I also took his phone away when I went to bed. But, anyway, you need to be the alpha male. Then the problem is solved." Gary's rant only showed me how much he didn't understand my unique relationship. He means well, but such an aggressive suggestion would create even more problems. I needed to find someone with experience dealing with a blended family.

I glanced over at my wife. Then smiled as she averted her eyes to me from a trapped conversation with Gary's wife, Janet. Were these my friends or hers? Their son Bruce is friends with our son Jason. Then I realized this by proxy adult friendship resulted in our invitation to Bruce's backyard High School Graduation BBQ.

"Excuse my Gary, I need to use the bathroom," I said, bowing out of our awkward conversation. After sharing how lost I felt when attempting to connect with Jason after I married his mother last year, I felt exposed. There were times I disagreed with my wife's parenting strategies. But when I shared a concern with Gary about Jason's lack of motivation with school assignments, I only felt more helpless.

"Brandon," called my wife, waving me over to her. "I want you to meet someone."

I walked over to her noticing an older man standing next to Janet.

"Brandon, this is Mike," Janet said as I accepted the older man's stiff handshake.

"I'm Janet's bonus, Dad," Mike said with a half-smile. "I got to know Janet right when she started high school, and now I'm here celebrating my grandson's graduation!" He beamed with pride over the realization. A memory sparked in Mike's eye, causing me to see something familiar about their relationship.

"How was Janet as a teenager?" I asked, hoping to generate some insight.

"Easy for me. I didn't discipline Janet. I did, however, discipline her sister Emma, who is my daughter from a previous marriage." Mike then turned to a woman carrying a glass of red wine. "How would you say Janet was as a teenager, Gloria?"

"She was difficult at times, but Emma was much easier since I didn't have to worry about disciplining her," Gloria said.

"You just went with whatever the biological parent decided? How did that not cause the girls to feel unfairly treated if one is more strict than the other?"

"Oh, I see the confusion," Mike replied as his wife joined our circle. "We talked in private about strategies for discipline. Then when we agreed. Still, the biological parent presented the consequence of their behavior to avoid resenting their bonus parent."

"Bonus parent," I asked. "You've used that term a few times."

"I like it better than Step-Dad, and Dr. Jann Blackstone is a driving force behind changing these negative correlations around separation and divorce."

I felt relieved to know my journey with Jason wasn't something I needed to navigate alone. I wanted to develop a strong relationship with him but didn't want to overstep unforeseen boundaries that could jeopardize our growth.

I spent the remainder of the BBQ talking with Mike about his experiences with Janet. He was able to listen to my concerns and truly offer a genuine ear of understanding. There is moment's life will place teacher's along our path. I found my guide attending a high school graduation party in the backyard of my bonus son's friend.