Blind Faith

There was a time when I thought I knew it all at least that’s the image I portrayed. Little did I know that my faith would be tested like never before. Imagine being a million miles away from home and literally being shaken to your core.

I was young and in love, and fresh out of the military and back in my hometown but I longed to be with my one true love. I would have moved mountains to get to him even though everything in my gut told me to scream running in the other direction. After all I had been wrong before right? i questioned myself..

Deep down inside I was smart enough to know that those feelings weren’t genuinely reciprocated.

After much contemplation, I decided to do it, decided to uproot myself and leave everything that I was familiar with behind.

I’ll take this 16 hour flight and leave everything but the clothes I carry in my duffel bags, in the wind. It’ll all be worth it because I’ll be reunited with the love of my life I told myself with every slow poking hour that passed.

Sure, I’d flown before and several times. However, now I was traveling as civilian as they come. Flying solo, but still on a mission. A mission to be with the one person I thought I couldn’t live without…or perhaps a mission to find myself and the nature of the power I held inside.

I’ve stood, I’ve stretched, I’ve slept, I’ve stretched, I’ve mingled with the other passengers and I’ve slept yet I’m still on this Godforsaken plane with several hours yet to go. Now I just wanna be anywhere but here, okay hold on girl, patience is a virtue and you’ve got this on lock.

The next time I woke up, the nerves in my stomach seemed to form a seatbelt around me and kept me pinned firmly to my seat as I could now see the runway lights, the descend was always exciting and scary both at the same time. However this time mystery and wonder decided to join the party and really turn things up.

Will he be there to greet me? Will he be just as happy to see me? These questions and more seemed to flutter and crash into each other as I exited the plane and made my way through customs, I could hardly keep my little knobby knees from shaking. Suck it up you’re a big girl.

Back then the only means of communication was via snail mail and landline phones of which I had access to neither. Sure he’d be there for but would he really be excited, doubt and worry decided to pay another visit.

Japan was as beautiful as I’d imagined it would be at least from what I could see from standing at the gate near dusk. With duffle bags in tow I waited, as my heart beat to the rhythm of an African drum.

Suddenly, I could see a car nearing in the distance, it was so strange to see the driver sitting on the opposite side of what I was use to. How dare they build cars with steering wheel on the passenger side, nevertheless i grew happier once I realized i knew the driver.

Get in, he hops out and says, not the welcoming I’d imagined but it was him, my love in the flesh. He quickly grabbed up her heavy duffel bags and put them in the tiny trunk of the car. Wow, what do you have in these bags…dead bodies? He quipped.

I was enamored by the glitz from the colorful lights that dressed all of the buildings as we approached the military base of homes i would now share with him. However, something was off, I hated it when I felt this way but my instincts were hardly ever wrong.

There was so much being said even though we sat in silence. Eventually my eyes diverted from all of the colorful lights to a glistening bottle that was poised inside one of the cup holders. What’s this? I asked as I lifted the oddly shaped bottle.

As I asked the question the scent of perfume smacked me right across the nose. Put that back, Mr. Man said sharply, which was followed by that’s not yours. My heart sank as I paused knowing that whatever was said next would be a lie.

Don’t start asking all those questions…before you get worked up, it belongs to a friend of mine, his wife accidentally left it and I still have to return it. I tried hard to fight back tears, partly to not give him the satisfaction. Honestly, in that moment wanted to believe the lie at the time it was much easier to swallow than accepting the truth.

There was never a truer statement…” what’s done in the dark, will eventually come to light”.

When we arrived to what I would come to know as home, at least for a brief period anyway. I couldn’t see much because the grounds were now dark. I’ll get up and get out for a walk in the morning to really take it all in.

For tonight I just wanted to get settled and wash that 16 hour flight off of me. Once inside I was shown around a quaint one bedroom apartment. Furniture was scarce but it was charming.

The shower is right back there, he pointed, as if I’d already overstayed my welcome. Oh well I suppose it’s been a long day for both of us…wait what’s this, my eyes couldn’t help but zero in on a long dark strand of dark hair that couldn’t possibly be mine and definitely didn’t belong to him.

I had already told myself that I wouldn’t make waves, due to already feeling as though I’d fallen into a disjointed situation. Well here goes nothing…uhm who’s hair is this? “Yeah I know it belongs to your friends wife, she accidentally left it here and you have to return it.”

His response made her blood run cold, “never mind the hair just take your shower and stop asking questions.” He almost instantly snapped back.

What have I gotten myself into? Everything inside of me screamed all at once. Okay so we’ve been apart for a few months and he’s obviously found someone else to occupy his free time but I’m his wife and I didn’t sign up for this…

Perhaps I did sign up for this, looking back there was plenty of writing on the wall with arrows pointing to his infidelity.

The rest of the night was spent mostly in silence, well except for his snoring that almost drowned out the pounding of my heart that was now breaking.

The next day he got up with barely a good morning and darted off to report to his base.

I soon discovered the real reason he’d married her, however the truth would hurt I just had to have solid evidence even if that meant snooping through his things.

While snooping, I found a bag full of lingerie as well as letters he’d written to his father back home proclaiming his love for a woman that wasn’t me. She was his number one and I was the woman on the side or shall I say outside looking in.

I was nothing more than a dollar sign, back then if you marry in the military your salary doubled. I was the only one late to the party.

I was crushed, I most certainly didn’t deserve this I thought with my head in my hands. I’m weak with disgust but I still need to eat, realizing I hadn’t eaten since before I boarded the plane yesterday. A stroll to the kitchen revealed that there was no edible food in the refrigerator nor cabinets. Nothing but a moldy half eaten sandwich in the fridge.

Now hunger pangs were reminding me of how foolish I was for coming here. Unwanted, unfed and unloved, what a crazy trio. No phones and no way of communicating other than snail mail. I wrote home to let my family know that I’d arrived and that I was okay. I didn’t want my mom to worry after all I’d made my bed and I could either lie in it or fix it. I just didn’t know how I would.

Time seemed to pass so slowly, no television only a radio that got reception fir two stations one was talk radio and the other was staticky. I was alone and so afraid of what would happen next that my blood ran cold.

Now news of an impending earthquake, being from the Midwest I’d never experienced anything like that before. It registered 5.0 on the Richter scale. After being tossed around physical, mentally and emotionally, I was devastated that he didn’t come home.

Is he okay or is he with her? My mind couldn’t help but wonder. He came home late the following day like nothing had happened, with ice cream of all things but I thought oh well it’s better than nothing. I wasn’t good enough to even have that, I was told not to touch it, that I couldn’t have any. Which was said to me the most droll way imaginable.

I cried and I slept well sort of, I tried to sleep the hunger away. Days went on with him leaving for work and not coming home at night. One evening he came in with a letter in hand, a letter from my mother. In the letter of which I couldn’t wait to read …

She wrote…I’m so glad you made it safely, I’ve been so worried. I pray all is well. I’m in the process of packing to move, I may have found a place. I have to be out of this house by the end of the week, (well at the point of reading this letter it was already the end of the week). I’ll write soon to let you know what the new address is. Love mom.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, I wanted to scream all the way back to Chicago…Mom, I screwed up, I’m here but nothing is like I hoped for, I’m alone in a foreign country with no money and no friends. I had never felt so desperate.

The next day I left the little unit that was supposed to be my new home, I walked through the community, looking for anyone that might speak English, as beautiful as it was it all appeared gray, I walked as long as I could looking for a sign pointing the nearest military base but to no avail. I returned to the little unit feeling weak and defeated.

I sat down and started to cry until a voice rose up within me. A voice telling me that I was stronger than this situation. Suddenly a calm came over me like never before. My heart that had been ripped out started to beat damn near uncontrollably it was a surge like I’ve never felt before.

Suddenly fear turned into confidence and determination. Today was going to be showdown day, today I’m going to be heard. I’m not going to cower down to him this time. If he comes home tonight, he’s going to know that as soon as I’m able, I’m telling anyone who will listen about the conditions I’ve been made to live with. I’m demanding a ticket back to Chicago immediately.

I’m now armed with the Universe on my side, the hunger pangs that had hung around for almost two weeks had subsided I was full with the desire of being reunited with my mom. Full with the feeling of courage, which I suddenly had an abundance of.

That night the Universe ordered his steps back to the little unit he called home. He came in without saying a word to me, I found him reading a book on the sofa. I without any hysteria walked up to him in the most demure way possible and said…

At this point it’s clear that you don’t want me here and I no longer wish to be in this space with you. So tomorrow you will get me a one way ticket back to Chicago or the next time I go out walking to find the military base I will find it and I don’t care if I walk until my feet bleed.

He looked up at me in such a way I’d never seen before and said okay, you’ll get your ticket. Is that all? Yes that’s all, I answered.

The next day he returned with ticket in hand. I now have this ticket stating that my return flight home was confirmed for the very next day. I felt like a little girl, jumping up and down on the inside at the thought of being reunited with my mom all while feeling 10 feet tall like I had slain the dragon.

The next day he drove me to the airport, ironically wished me well and gave me $60 of which customs took $40 of that. Oh well at least I’m out of there and I’ll figure the rest out.

Literally two weeks to the date of my arrival, I boarded and got the window seat as I wanted, I wanted to put this so far behind me, literally and figuratively. During this 16 hour flight back it dawned on me that with all of the excitement surrounding my going home, that I didn’t know where home was, by this time my mom had already moved.

Now a different type of fear began to set in.

Where in Chicago did she move, again without the luxury of a cell phone back then there was no way to communicate. I had given up my apartment when I moved to Japan where on earth would I go.

As the plane landed it was so bittersweet, I thought to myself, the hard part is over, you’re back at home now but where is home? I was weak from a lack of sustenance (I refused to eat on the plane, after-all I only had $20 left of which I knew I would need for transportation.

I took a shuttle train from the airport of which I used my military pass for. Upon arriving into the downtown train station, I hailed a taxi, the taxi driver quickly jumped out to load my two duffel bags, one bright yellow and the other a perfect sky blue.

As we made our way through the airport traffic I watched the meter tick bearing in mind that I can’t pay this guy in duffle bags and I only have $20 dollars. With every meter tick which meant that the fare was going up, so did my blood pressure.

I watched as if sitting on a stack of pins from the back seat. Exit here, I stated (we were on the expressway) he again asked for an address of which I said Hyde Park, something that just came to me. He then asked where in Hyde Park?

Having to think quickly as I was fixated on the meter I answered, oh I don’t have an address but I can tell you how to get there.

He looked at me through the rear view mirror, with a very confused look on his face he slowly responded okay. I’m now sitting damn near on the edge of my seat, turn here, then make a left here, I gave instruction as to confirm I knew where I was going.

That damn meter ticked one more time, $19.80. Pull over here, I said with a lump in my throat. Yes, here is fine, keep the change I said as if I were some big shot. After-all what good would twenty cents do me at this point. He pulled over on the corner of a residential street with nothing but courtyard apartment buildings. He jumped out and unloaded the two large duffel bags and asked if I needed assistance, he even joked that the bags probably weighed more than me. I thanked the kind taxi driver but declined his off for obvious reasons.

There I stood with my bags as I watched him drive away, my knees were shaking and it was hard to even swallow I was so nervous. As I looked down this tree lined street I noticed that each courtyard building was guarded with a metal gate for which you would need a code to gain access.

All but one…

I entered the courtyard through the gate that had been left slightly open. It felt like a mile from the gate to the actual apartment building. The sun was setting and soon it would be nighttime which only added to my anxiety.

Once I reached the building I noticed a series of six doorbells, I took a deep breath and said to myself there’s a reason for everything, something lead me here. On the other hand if this doesn’t work what am I going to do more importantly where would I go without a dime to my name.

Hands shaking I rang the first bell, and a male voice answered…with a very shaky voice I asked for my mother by name, Is Jean in? I asked No Jean here, the male voice responded. Okay thank you…

I rang the second bell, this time a woman answered, Is Jean home, I asked again. The woman on the other end of that bell answered, you’ve got the wrong apartment.

Okay thank you…

With two down and four to go, I rang the third bell, is Jean in and the male voice said who are you looking for? For a moment I thought I recognized the sound of the voice but could it be my mind playing tricks on me? I nervously repeated myself and this time there was dead silence, followed by a rumbling. As the rumbling got closer I looked for a place to run but my feet were rooted to the ground.

Suddenly that same voice that I thought sounded familiar approached me screaming, it’s you! He said, as he flung the door open. He quickly picked me up and spun me around. I can’t believe it he said, as we both cried. It was my younger brother, how did you find us?

I ran up those stairs faster than my legs could carry me and there she stood in her new apartment with her arms stretched open, I don’t know how you did it but I knew you would find me, you came to me in a dream carrying yellow and blue duffel bags. We both cried as she stared at me in disbelief. The Universe had guided me straight to her.

At that moment I truly realized we were not only bonded by blood but something much more than that, we were connected spiritually and more importantly telepathically. Mind, body, soul and duffel bags.