Black Sheep of the Family - I've figured out why!

My father has Alzheimer's and has recently started letting out little secrets that I have been able to puzzle together 53 years after being born.

First and foremost, if you're not born first, you were born with a disadvantage. If you're the second born son, you must try to accept that we start our at-bat with a strike. The fact that your mother now had at least two children to deal with can NOT be overcome. That's the key: we have to include the pregnancy. Being born too soon after the first born made things automatically more difficult.

If you add to that, a difficult pregnancy, or maybe you used to really kick hard, you were a sickly child, frequent and expensive trips to the doctor, etc... that's strike two. Again, your mother already the firstborn to deal with. A difficult task already. In my case, the so-called 'terrible twos.'

So... yeah. Yada yada yada. Boom.

If, as in my case, the firstborn is intelligent, perceptive, talented, etc... He/she will pick up, mimic, learn - whatever... from the parents, and mirror their feelings, actions and attitudes, and most importantly, words towards you.

Strike three?

BTW: if you happen to have Dennis the Menace blood in you - you're really fucked.

Did you used to love fireworks? playing hooky? maybe your good-looks would get you in trouble? (that's a joke) I don't know. Surely the reader can think of other such examples. Did you (or do you still) enjoy throwing rocks? breaking bottles? fire? Did you used to love lighting shit on fire?

I sure as fuck did.

So I never really stopped, in my father's mind, giving him problems. The fact that I was giving Pop problems at the starting gate slanted my father against me subconsciously for the rest of his life. My father felt he was allowed to treat me differently because he was forced to deal with these problems. What parent holds a child's infancy against them? One that is unable to forgive - more about that later.

The treatment was harsh and painfully blunt. Fuck carrots, where's a stick?

My brother keeps to himself and years ago my father and I were wondering something very personal about him. I asked my father why he wouldn't simply ask my brother. His response was that he didn't feel he had the right to ask, because my brother had, again (and matter-of-factly) never given him any problems.

Black Sheep: you have to forgive this. Life isn't fair. My brother, the firstborn, healthy (and non Dennis the Menace) male child didn't have the same disadvantages to overcome that I did. Life isn't fair for our parents, either.

My father was young. When I was born, he was in the toughest stage of life: young adulthood. And he was suffering from his own spat with Borderline Personality Disorder. My root-cause trauma was the doubt in my mind that parental love towards me even existed. My father's root-cause trauma was a stern mother who died in childbirth when he was only 10.

One of BPD's symptoms stands out especially. Seeing the world, and categorizing people solely in extremes. It's either idolizing or loathing. Loathing, with a passion, loathing without a chance of redemption. Once someone had crossed my father, that was it. No forgiveness, no acceptance of apology, not even a consideration of empathy towards the transgressor.

"Try to put myself in his/her shoes? They don't even deserve it. Why would I do that? Forgiveness? you've got to be kidding me."

My father, during one of his demented Alzheimer episodes once asked me if I thought I were a good son.

"Dad, we both know that ship sailed a long time ago. But did I ever stop trying?"

Sailed? Hell, for me there was no ship. I was left on a fishing dock with maybe a bucket and a life-preserver. And an audience of family members wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. Why did I always misbehave? Why did I always blow-up like a mad-man?

You're too sensitive. You are still holding a grudge. And then the big lie: "you need to get it all out - otherwise you'll never heal/move on. "

It's almost impossible to get anything out without being accused of still harping on the past. So avoid that trap.

Let go? How else do we let go if not by speaking? Speak of what needs to come out, and how will one not be accused of still holding a grudge?

Oh, and don't expect your family to ever realize that you are correct. They might concede that you were a black sheep, but they are absolutely blind as to their role in your supposed blackened-ness.

I used to suspect that some of my immediate family members were smart, astute, observant enough to secretly know that I was fucked from the get-go, but either 1) No, they ARE absolutely blind or 2) it's in their best interest to keep the status-quo or 3) they may be just plain evil people. Who knows?

(I won't say "try not to worry about it," because I'm sure Black Sheep have already heard that one a million times.)

Like the young-folk say, "Fucking duh." Try not to worry about it - phft. Thank you Ein-fucking-stein, I'd a never thought of that one.