Behind the Smile

She went to school every day with a huge smile on her face, chatted with friends, participated in class, and got good grades. Even made people jealous. "How the heck did she get a perfect score in Math? I wish I was her," she hears a whisper from behind her. It was Linda. Linda got a 75, but Linda has plans to go out with her family tonight, and Linda has a father she proudly calls 'Dad', and Linda has a Mom who comforts her when she's upset, and Linda has a sister who's her best friend. So, who exactly is the winner here? It's Linda, because the real winners in life and always people like Linda.

She goes straight to her room when she gets home. It's the only part of the house that feels even partially secure. She checks her phone: 0 notifications, as expected. The emptiness gnaws at her from the inside. It feels familiar. She basks in it.

She goes down the stairs, through the hallway, past her parents' empty room, and into the kitchen to grab a snack. Her father is watching a football game in the living room. Her mother is at work. Her brother is out with friends, she thinks. Not sure. Not that she's ever sure about her brother's whereabouts nowadays.

She wanders like a ghost in her own home. Unnoticed. Unwanted.

She goes back to her room, does her homework, reads a couple of chapters of 'Little Women', AKA her latest obsession, lies in bed, falls asleep, wakes up, falls asleep, wakes up, gets ready for school.

She goes to school with a smile on her face, talks to friends who don't realise she exists when she isn't around, and she gets her physics test back. The 100 in red ink at the top of the page is like a drug, it drives her. She thinks it's the only thing that defines her worth. Oh, how very wrong she is.

She goes straight to her room when she gets home. She's stuck in a loop. An endless cycle of monotony and misery. Every single day, she greets people with a charming smile on her face when on the inside she feels like a candle, wax melting faster and faster, being reduced to nothing, losing her identity. Not that she had one in the first place.

Eventually, it becomes too much.

One day, she goes home and doesn't go straight to her room. She takes a deep breath and walks into the living room, sits beside her father, lets him stare at her like she's grown a third head, she silently watches the game with him; he lets her. That day she doesn't go to bed before her mother gets home, she waits for her. She asks her about her day, she gets a one-word response. She holds the precious word close. She stays up even later. The clock strikes 11, then 12. 1. 2. She hears a key turn in the door, her brother enters. She asks him about his day, in return, she gets stared at and called a weirdo.

Eventually, it becomes too much.

That night, before going to bed, she makes a detour to her bathroom and opens the medicine cabinet. That night, she makes a choice. Then she goes to bed.

The next morning, she doesn't get up and get ready for school, she doesn't fake smiles to please other people, she doesn't get a perfect score on a test, she doesn't chat with her "friends". It takes two days and a phone call from her school for her family to visit her room. For her father to regret not hugging her that day. For her mother to regret not having a conversation with her. For her brother to regret his final words to her.