Before Lockdown

So there is apparently this trend on social media to tell everyone what you were doing just before lockdown. Since we are a little over one year from when the lockdown began. I have seen quite a few stories of things people have done. Vacations, moving, etc.

My “Just before lockdown” adventure wasn’t so fun. My brother and I had to drive back to our home town to say goodbye to our grandmother on our dad’s side. She was getting up there in age anyway, she had dementia, but the cause of her imminent death and placement in hospice care was due to a nasty fall. She broke her neck. The thing that made this trip harder is that her and I were estranged for close to 15 years. I couldn’t not go though. How much would I regret that for the rest of my life.

This side of my family is so badly dysfunctional that I didn’t even know she was on her death bed. Nobody called to tell me. Nobody bothered to let me know. Not my dad. Not either of my two aunts. Or my brother. Nobody. The relationships all around are, and always have been distressed. It wasn’t until I texted my aunt (who lives in a different state than both myself, and my grandmother) to make conversation, that she revealed to me the nature of the situation.

I didn’t have the obvious feelings of grief, I still don’t. I didn’t have feelings of remorse. While I knew I had to go visit her on her death bed, I still didn’t care for her all that much. The abusive tendencies she subjected us to as children were quite difficult to live up to. The pain in my heart lingered and the memories never really faded.

I thought back to all of the times I was with her and my grandad as a child. All I could picture was awkwardness, uncomfortableness, fear, pain, wanting to go home and wanting my mommy! How could I love her, and almost hate her in the same beat of my heart? It’s hard to comprehend.

Grief really is a funny thing... in all of the emotions of discord and pain, there was a very small piece of me that was sad for her. She was my grandmother. She was dying. She would be the first grandparent I would lose. At 34 years old, was I more sad about her passing or her being the first grandparent to die...? How do you make it to 34 years old, almost 35 without ever losing a grandparent? I did though. My birthday would be in just a few short weeks, yet there we found ourselves traveling across the state to visit her. To say goodbye.

As we drove to see her, with a lot of time to think... I thought about the tea she used to give us as kids. Ahh, yes. One of the few good memories I have with her. I didn’t remember what it was, but I could almost taste the orange and spices that always lingered in my mouth. All of a sudden, I wanted some. In fact, it’s all I wanted. I wanted to taste that tea again. I wanted to feel the orange and spices in my soul. I wanted to be a child again sitting at her kitchen table drinking tea. The rest of the crap, I could leave that behind, but I would take this one. Surely my aunt would know what kind of tea it was and possibly even where I could get some.

When we arrived, we went straight there. We walked in, I swallowed hard. She didn’t even look like the grandma I once knew. I had known that to be true of the elderly with dementia. But, to see her lying there, with a neck brace, and a bruise that covered half of her forehead. She was clearly in pain. She slept. She was highly medicated. I sat and grabbed her hand. Just to let her know we were there. My aunt tried to wake her, I told her not to worry when I saw the lack of consciousness in my grandmother.

The next morning, my brother and I arrived before anyone else. We had a few moments with her alone. As I leaned over her bedside and told her I was there to see her. A look of confusion came over her face. She couldn’t place me. I said to her “Grandma, it’s Mindy Anne! I came to see you.” I could see her mouth the word “who?” Though she was soundless. I said “it’s me, Mindy Anne.”

The moment of realization spread across her face in the form of shock and excitement as her mouth dropped open. She gripped my hand tighter, and stared deeply into my eyes. Looking over my face with a few tears escaping her withered eyes. She kept her gaze deep into my soul as if to read all the places I had been in the last 15 years without ever having to ask a single question. I stood there and let her. I was shocked that she even had a lucid moment, let alone remember me, or be happy I was there. I expected a different reaction altogether. Her reaction, the look on her face... is seared into my mind forever. It will be the final heartwarming memory I ever have of her.

Our eyes stayed locked for about 20 long yet, so, so short minutes before she began to drift into her medication induced sleep. I can’t imagine the pain she felt with a broken neck. Once she was asleep, I loosened my hand from hers a bit so I could sit. By that time, my low back was screaming. The awkward angle at which I had been leaning over her bed caused my back pain to flare up. My spinal fusion was already more painful due to the pressure and weather changes on this side of the state. I wasn’t going to take any time away from my grandmother though. She was lucid, she was dying, and she was looking into my eyes. I wasn’t about to take that from her for anything.

Shortly after, my aunt came. I respectfully moved to the other side of the room so she could sit next to her mother. Not long after, my dad showed up with my grandad in tow. I moved to make room for them. That day was the last I ever saw my grandmother alive.

My brother and I ended up leaving the next day to go back home after I had an anaphylactic reaction. On the way back, we stopped off and were able to see a life-size replica of Stonehenge. Being just off the freeway, it was just 5 minutes out of our way.

That was pretty cool.

Our grandpa on our mom’s side asked if we would meet him about half way home to take his pickup truck back home. We arrived there, stayed the night, the next morning I awoke to a text message from my aunt. My grandmother had passed. Such a mixed ball of emotional feelings.

When we returned home that day. Things went back to normal, then a few days later the lockdowns started to happen.

So that’s my “Just before lockdown” adventure..

Where were you?