Becoming a Foster Child

Not to gain any sympathy, yet this coming of age is designed to impress upon you the importance of grit, resilience, and determination from converting a blow of blows into a fairly triumphant situation. Did I say it would be easy? Not on your life. I am sure that you can now relate to what tough times really mean, having lived through the last couple of years in particular. You are resilient, and that is why you are here. Hopefully this story inspires you.

Being a foster child in foster care can be just that. Being fostered out. For the more fortunate of foster kids, you may get adopted, or end up on a foster-to-adopt circumstance. The ideal childhood is being born into a loving family with two healthy parents. You therefore move further ahead in life. Not all of us were dealt with a lucky hand in that regard. That includes yours truly.

My birth mother had a miscarriage about eight years before I was born, despite not being in a committed relationship, with a myriad of health problems. Long story short, my birth mother was involved in a rendezvous with the man who ended up being my father, of who was going through a divorce at the time. Being born via a C-section at night, my birth father was already out of my life, and my birth mother was extremely unwell, having been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis a few short months after I was welcomed into the world.

Not having a fully present mother and father around makes childhood hard going, causing an abundance of unpleasant issues in adulthood if these traumas remain unresolved.

To fully share this story of winding up in temporary to then permanent foster care; when humans experience a coming of age, a turning point and a transformation; it is paramount for an adverse experience to take hold prior, yet circumstances can also be positive. For example, a coming of age experience happened before becoming a foster child at a school athletics carnival, where I ran 800 metres spontaneously, not having ran any shorter distances prior. That experience brought forward my passion for athletics in my teenage years. I digress from my major turning point experience in becoming a foster child, and obviously those circumstances do not happen to a child by choice.

1989 was a stand out year in my childhood. Having absent parents, I became a ratty little s**t. A cancerous mark formed on my back, needing urgent surgery in order to save my life, and my asthma was unmanageable. What took the ticket that year, was a vivid afternoon, where I was sent to my room for something I did "wrong" according to my birth mother. The mention of organising foster parents (as a result of this naughty corner experience) for me was scary, with no explanation as to how that came about, or on what that really meant. To an eight year old, or any young child for that matter; the situation is beyond scary. You are fragile beyond words.

Fast forward a few months, and I am in foster care one weekend a month, to give my unwell single mother some respite. Around the same time, my birth mothers health deteriorated, and she needed to use a wheelchair. She could no longer walk. Such circumstances cause an individual to mature beyond their years, yet on the flip side, this coming of age childhood was taken away from me, only to begin to enjoy some leisure experiences with a foster family one weekend a month.

The foster care arrangement started to become more frequent than that, when my birth mother was constantly in and out of hospital. Fast forward a few years to 1993, and my birth mother passed away in my first year of high school. (In America, this would be junior high).

Little did I know back then that a fleeting joke said to my foster mother on one of the weekends I was in her care...I said "I wish I could live with you." Awareness of the law of attraction back in those times was non-existent, yet our thoughts still contributed towards creating our realities.

The hunt was on for a permanent foster family to look after me, and there were a fair few gruelling interviews and knowledge tests as a result. Not long thereafter, my current temporary foster family decided to take me on permanently, yet I was not formally adopted per se. As a result, I was made a state ward until the age of 18, and life was a bit restrictive. My foster family could not take me interstate without the states permission. As an aside, that coming of age experience has also shaped my love of travelling interstate for business and leisure purposes. The process was quite scary, where I had to attend court for this courtship to take effect, despite not having done anything wrong.

It took me a long time to realise that having foster parents was a gift from my birth mother. A loss of one or both of your parents would put you in foster care. If one of both of your parents are abusive or violent towards you; that circumstance would put you in foster care. If no other relatives are able to look after you if your parents are not available; that too would put you in foster care. You are a great kid, but you are living in awful life circumstances. Therefore it is not easy to navigate your identity and place in this world, if you survive those tough childhood experiences. There have been times in the past (even when life was going great) where I wanted to take my own life, but did not know how to pull it off.

I felt loved by my foster parents, yet the element of love between your birth parents (if they are fully present towards you) is completely different to parents who foster or adopt you. And if you did not come from a loving home prior, it is difficult in receiving that love, of which is freely given to you with wide open arms. It is nice to finally have a loving father at age 13, yet those prior 13 years of not having a father can never be replaced. No regrets, they just cannot. This makes romantic/intimate relationships a challenge; and despite that, it has been awesome to have enjoyed two long-term relationships that lasted for about 6-7 years with each partner thus far.

I grew up as an only child with my birth mother, and becoming a foster child at age 13, I now inherited an older brother and sister. This situation can feel a bit weird, as my foster brother and sister were close due to not being blood relatives; and not only that, but also because they are only 18 months apart in age. My foster sister was the youngest in the family, before I came into the picture. My sister is six years older than me. That felt weird to them too, and especially to my sister, as she was no longer the youngest in the family, and just like that. Overnight really.

Despite feeling like I found Cinderella's Glass Slipper; and as you know, the shoe does not fit. Foster care is like that. Even though I was one of the lucky ones, who managed to be a success story in foster care; life in foster care was not smooth sailing. There were problems at school, until another coming of age experience at age 16 happened, where an accidental candle lighting experience almost burnt down my entire bedroom, and the foster home. I was nearly kicked out of school and at home, only for fantastic case managers from the foster care agency to save my bacon, and to be offered a scholarship to continue on with my final two years of school.

During my time in foster care, I did meet other foster children at certain picnics and agency events, where other foster kids also had a loving family, yet the longevity was not there, or their family turned out to be abusive, despite the strict character checks needed in becoming a foster carer. A few other foster kids ended up living in refuges with other foster kids, with little supervision, yet mostly they had to become more independent as a result.

Fast forward to this day, and I am still grateful for this gift from my birth mother, and from my foster family. Otherwise I would either be in jail, or at the morgue already. The agreement ends when you are 21, and if you are still at university/college, then the agreement ends at that time. I moved out of home at age 25, when I settled on my first property purchase.

More and more people comprehend what foster care is all about these days, and it was difficult at school when peers would say that "I heard a rumour that you are adopted." It sounded like it was my fault, but far from the contrary to that. Today my foster family is my family, while I still have a birth uncle and aunt left. The circle of relations is abundant in my foster family. I sometimes get asked "why did they not adopt you?" Honestly, I have no clue to that answer. My foster family said that they chose to not formally adopt me, despite being in a foster-to-adopt circumstance at the end. If I was a furry friend with four legs, I would be classed as a foster fail, and that is a sparkling thing.

My foster family are my friends as well. During this current lockdown in my home city (with less than two weeks left now, as at the time of writing this), my foster mother (although she lives 8 hours drive away now) still stays in touch, and vice versa. It is also rewarding to have given my foster family some unique experiences; and due to this experience, I became an aunty myself in my early twenties. I have also spoken to my father and sister, and my brother in London during this time.

Your childhood experiences definitely shape your life. It makes a grain of sense, as psychologists say that your personality is formed in the first seven years of your life, and the socialisation period runs until you formally become an adult. This is why childhood is a pivotal coming of age experience to all of us, to the likes of fictional characters such as Ponyboy Michael Curtis to name. Of course, such turning points and transition periods can shape us in adulthood as well. In addressing this Vocal Media challenge; there have been an abundance of experiences in my life, apart from seeing out my childhood in a foster home that have provided coming of age experiences and turning points.

Although I was already dealt a wrong hand so early on in life, I did appreciate my new found freedoms and independence in my foster home when I began my teenager years; although it did get me into more strife sometimes. I could dye my hair without permission, and I could get my ears pierced. I did not get my hair cut every time there was a knot in it, so I was free to have long hair again. My birth mother said that I would have my ears pierced at age 16; yet out of respect to her, I still held off, and got two holes in each earlobe in my early twenties.

My foster parents gave me the gift of being given another chance at life. They were like my life support. They even enrolled me into a positive thinking course in my first year of high school, and just like that, negative thoughts belonged (and continue to belong) in the rubbish bin. This begins to eliminate stress, and build resilience. From there, little did I know that I valued the importance of personal development after college, thereby setting up the trajectory of my entrepreneurial career.

Due to not being able to travel when I was in state care; I now travel with every opportunity I get. Due to my hair constantly being trimmed with my birth mother; now a surprise: at age 41 I now have long, healthy Rapunzel like hair. For example, one of my friends confessed to stealing coins from his parents purse as a child, and now today he has paid it forward (coming of age again, with a bit of karma) by owning a successful finance company. It is strange how things pan out.

Grief is also normal in every coming of age experience, because you are also transitioning from something that no longer fits, to something that does; in any given area of your life at any given moment. Remember, nothing is permanent, and grief has its own metronome, knowing that every single thing, at every stage and age of life happens for a reason. Not so great relationships are also a turning point, and this song brings some solace to all coming of age experiences upon deeper reflection:

In all experiences (coming of age and otherwise), this song may make you cry, as it is a timely reminder that you are more than enough. I wish I heard this song when I was in foster care, yet then again the Internet was not around at the time; and this song is also a timely reminder as to what this Coming of Age challenge is all about: