Because My Ally Cat is a Fighter, Because My Ally Cat is the Strongest Young Woman I know

Dear Ally Cat,

I remember the first time I looked into your eyes. I was caught off guard by how tiny you were, and how desperately I wanted to protect you from every possible thing, no matter how large or small. I was so afraid I couldn’t give you the life you deserve. And then you whimpered, and bawled, your little pink face scrunching tight, wrinkling, turning red, your hands clenched into tight fists at your sides. And my self-reflection time came to an abrupt end.

The sleepless nights for you and me that first year were tough. We were both so tired. The reflux you had, left me wondering how you managed to grow at all. The hours of crying on end were stressful for both of us. Nothing I did helped, not for any length of time. Though I did try, I want you to know I did. Belly time, changing your formula, trying different remedies, and holding you tight while trying to sing you to sleep only worked from time to time. Eventually, you outgrew this, thankfully.

And then…

There was a time when you let the sun shine on you, and you flourished. Carefree days were spent playing with your friends, smiling and laughing freely. You had not a care in this world. You used to love playing with insects (even they should have friends too). Blowing bubbles was one of your favorite ways to spend a sunny afternoon.

Do you remember when you were about six and your sea monkeys died? You begged me not to flush away the dirty water. You were convinced by some miracle there was still life left in that tank. Not for a second did I believe it was possible, but I wanted so desperately to see the world with your wonder and innocence. Several days later, to my astonishment, dozens of baby sea monkeys were swimming freely.

Do you remember the time you plucked a cocoon from the sidewalk with your pudgy little fingers? You were about eight, and afraid someone would step on it. In order to protect it, you brought it home to keep it safe in your bug catcher. You were convinced there was still life left inside, and it just needed time to become a butterfly. One morning you checked, and sure enough there was a butterfly fluttering in the catcher, so you let it go. You could have kept it, but you wanted it to fly free, to have a fighting chance.

And now...

Recalling those days makes me tear up.

Oh, my heart hurts for you so much.

You’re back to sleepless nights. You’re struggling in school. You’re also suffering from anxiety and depression, as diagnosed by psychiatrists. You’ve had years of counselling at school and in clinical settings. At times, I think your anxiety and depression more than hold you back; they hold you down, nearly crippling you.

I can’t imagine “living” life this way. How does it feel? Maybe it doesn’t feel like living at all. Does it feel like you’re flying so high it’s out of your control? Or are you drowning so forcefully, it’s like being sucked into an undertow? How does your world feel? Does it feel cold, bitter, uninterested? I wish I could spend a day, or even an hour being you, seeing what you see, feeling what you feel.

I worry about you constantly. Are you sad, unhappy, lonely? Are you scared, stressed, in pain?

For now, you’ve decided to stop counselling, and you won’t take any medication. I am trying to understand this. If you could remove some barriers so that you can learn more easily, and be happier, maybe even sleep better, why wouldn’t you?

When you see someone who is being treated unfairly, or unjustly, you are the first person who will step in and fight for their acceptance and love. Why won’t you fight for your self-acceptance and self-love?

When the day comes you decide you’re going to fight for yourself, look out, you will come out swinging. I know, I’ve seen you do this on behalf of others and it truly is something to behold. When you see yourself as the miracle you are, and when you focus on yourself, you will become your most fierce protector. When you decide you will fight for your own self-acceptance and self-love, I can’t wait to be there to see that. When you know how it feels to be loved and accepted by you, nothing will be more powerful.

You are the toughest young woman I know. You have all of this in you and more. As cliche as this sounds, I know one day you will shed your cocoon of anxiety and depression, see the butterfly who has been living within you all along, and give yourself a fighting chance to fly free.

I love you! Mom xoxo