Bad Mommy

Bad Mommy!!!!

I am no expert at motherhood and hope to gain help from other mothers and let you know that you are not alone!

As a young girl, I saw my mom as just a mom, not realizing all that she did. My mom had four kids (don't forget daddy), worked full time, managed the household, and fulfilled many other roles like being a daughter, a wife, and my best friend. She was always there for me, making me pretty dresses, watching me play netball at 7 am on cold Saturday mornings, and comforting me when my heart was broken.

I was a daddy's girl through and through, idolizing my dad as a superhero. It wasn't until I had my own kids that I truly understood the depth of a mother's love and sacrifices. I realized that my mom was also a superhero.

Now, the big question: Am I a good mother? This must be one of the most difficult questions to answer because I often feel like the worst mother.

Let's start from the beginning. I met my husband at 19. At that time, I was the youngest of three siblings with a significant age gap between us. My dad was very overprotective of me, as I was his baby. I was already working and earning a salary, but living with my parents meant following their rules, which I rebelled against.

At 40, I understand my dad's reasons for his rules, and I reluctantly admit that he was right. My husband, who was eight years older, didn't fit the ideal image of a partner in my parents' eyes. I left home to move in with him, breaking my parents' hearts. Two years later, we got married, and I was able to mend my relationship with my parents.

Two months after marriage, I found out I was pregnant. While some may say it's okay because we were married, the way I broke the news was not ideal. We were in a huge fight that day, and in a moment of fear and frustration, I told my husband, "You will never see this child."

Bad Mommy comment number 1: I was scared and felt unprepared to be a mother at 21. My emotions got the best of me, and I didn't handle the situation well. Those words still haunt me today. I cant believe I said it. Worse, I meant it at the time.

What was I going to do? What if I fail my child and my husband, which of course I have done now. What if my marriage fails. I am still a child myself. There is so many things I still want to do before having a child. Me and hubby haven't had enough time with each other yet. What if a child complicates our relationship and we realise we don't really love each other.

I am going to become fat and ugly and my husband will loose interest in me. Is love enough to overcome the speedbumps and obstacles. What if my husband leaves me and takes this child away from me cause, I am a bad mommy? I have never felt so alone and scared in my life. Maybe I should bail out before we even get to this point.

As it turns out, I scored one of the good guys. These fears are normal and the better news is......20years and 4 children later........ I am still married to the same man, who still loves me besides my craziness and my first born, has survived 18years.