Baby Blues

From the moment I found out that I was pregnant and everyday after that for the next nine months I experienced every emotion known to man, from joy to anxiety to fear and paranoia but the one emotion that I felt the most was happiness. I discovered I was pregnant with my first child at the age of thirty six. After my thirty fifth birthday I never imagined that I would conceive a child, I assumed that motherhood was not in the cards for me, maybe GOD did not think I was fit to be a mother, maybe it was something wrong with me - a million self doubt thoughts flooded my head. Then to my surprise on super bowl Sunday of 2020 I found out that I was pregnant. For the first three months I lived in fear everyday that I would miscarry because I was in my late thirties and because I made myself believe that GOD would not bless ME with something so special and precious ( since my late teens I have had a on again off again relationship with GOD but that's a story for another day) I even went to the hospital and complained of stomach pain just so I could get an ultrasound picture to prove to myself that I has a little angle growing inside of me. From the moment the nurse placed the picture of my daughters ultrasound in my hands it was a concoction of joy and excitement mixed with a little fear from that moment on. I couldn't wait to meet my mini me and give her the life I always wished I had as a child.

On September 12th I went into the hospital because I had been experiencing contractions at home for the last two days. When I arrived to the hospital I didn't expect to find out that I was actually in labor because my due date was a week and one day away I actually assumed that I was experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions ( word to the wise NEVER assume anything in pregnancy) After the nurse monitored my contractions for a few hours I was told that I would be going into labor that night. The fear that came over me at that point was overwhelming. I labored for about eighteen hours before my precious baby was born into this world on September 13th 2020 at 6:03pm. When the doctors placed her in my arms it was the best moment of my life. I was in disbelief, GOD really blessed me with this precious little girl that was MINE. I couldn't have been more happier.

When I arrived to my room after she was born I turned into super mom. I was ready to breast feed her and change her, and put on the cute newborn baby clothes I had brought with me in my labor bag. The first night I didn't sleep a wink. I stayed up feeding her and watching her sleep all night. I was obsessed over her, breathing in her smell every minute, rubbing her beautiful black hair, staring at that beautiful little face, she was mine all mine, I felt empowered and strong and ready for anything, little did I know that despite all the things that your doctor and nurses prepare your for its one thing that I personally feel they don't prepare you enough for and that is the baby blues.

The next morning I immediately noticed that I felt a combination of feelings that I never felt before and that was happiness and irritability, I never even knew that you could experience the two feelings at the same time. I still in the land of overwhelming joy over the birth of my little girl but I was also very irritable. I noticed myself getting snappy at my daughters father and even one of the nurse. I was not sure why I was feeling so irritable, not one thing had happened to me physically to make me irritable so why was I feeling this way. I was confused and because I didn't know what the cause was for me feeling this way it made me even more irritable. This feeling went on for a few days, and then about a week later after giving birth to my angel the worst feeling hit me and that was the baby blues. For the first week after my daughter was born I couldn't get her to calm down when she cried, I would hold her for hours on end, moving and rocking my body in positions I didn't even know my body could move just to get her to stop crying, I tried everything from the norm of feeding her, changing her, burping her - I even tried playing that white noise music you hear about that is supposed to help newborns relax and go to sleep, nothing worked so I felt like I wasn't bonding with my baby, I felt like my daughter didn't like me. And it didn't make it any better that all her father had to do was pick her up one time and she would stop crying immediately. What was I doing wrong? The worst feeling is feeling that you are not able to bond with your child, feeling as though you don't have the maternal instincts you need to care for your newborn, I was feeling unworthy and depressed when I should have been feeling nothing but happiness and joy. I cried uncontrollably for days and it was even a day where I couldn't hold my daughter at all. I was convinced that I was a horrible mother and that I was not cut out for motherhood.

Even though he denied it I believe that I scared my daughters father with my actions. I went from being overwhelmed with joy to being depressed and irritable in one day. As sad as I was I knew that something was wrong and I needed help. I called my doctor and explained to her all the horrible things I was feeling and to my surprise she told me in a rather calm voice, "Oh you're just experiencing the baby blues". She said it so casually, almost as though I should have known what I was experiencing. My doctor then went into detail of what the baby blues consisted of. The baby are feelings of sadness a woman may have in the first few days after having a baby. Baby blues are also called postpartum blues. Postpartum means after giving birth. About 4 in 5 new moms (80 percent) have baby blues. Baby blues can happen 2 to 3 days after you have your baby and can last up to 2 weeks.

Everything my doctor described to me about the baby blues was exactly what I was experiencing. The mood swings , anxiety, sadness, irritability, crying, the feeling of not being able to bond with your child - I felt all of that. Now my next question was WHY WAS I NOT EDUCATED ON THIS! I was pregnant for nine months 273 days and not once did my doctor talk to me about this, something that was apparently so common. I feel as though if I was educated on this during my pregnancy I would have been better equipped to handle it. I know that I would have still experienced the emotions of the baby blues but I would have been able to handle my feelings better because I would have been educated on what was happening to me. I do not understand for the life of me why I was not warned about this, something that is so confusing and draining.

At the end of my doctors appointment and after asking a million and two questions I felt better and I requested to be placed on sertraline (an antidepressant) because something else that I learned during our conversation is that women who has a history of depression and anxiety are more prone to catching the baby blues and since I have a history of depression and anxiety I decided to be placed on it to assist with my emotions and to try and prevent post partum depression. Post partum depression is defined as Depression that occurs after childbirth. Those who develop postpartum depression are at greater risk of developing major depression later on in life. Symptoms might include insomnia, loss of appetite, intense irritability, and difficulty bonding with the baby. Untreated, the condition may last months or longer. Treatment can include counseling, antidepressants, or hormone therapy.

My advice to expecting mothers - especially first time mothers is to educate yourself on the baby blues and post partum depression. Talk to your doctor and ask every and any question that comes to your mind. During our pregnancy we are prepped for everything from labor to breast feeding but not so much on this topic. We need to be healthy mentally as well as physically so we can be the best mothers to our little ones as we can be.