Anguish into Passion

When I was little, and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would tell them I wanted to be a mom. I married young and was eager to live my dream. That dream, however, soon became my nightmare. By rushing into a marriage with the first guy who asked I found myself trapped in a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage to an alcoholic. To say this “Man” was possessive, and controlling was an understatement. During the five years we were married he would lock me in our apartment while he went to work. He was Army and stationed in Germany. The door locked from the inside and out by a deadbolt with only one key. I was not allowed to go anywhere unless he was with me. Then when he was home, he would follow me around the house and even to the bathroom while I showered. I had four miscarriages while married to him. I finally found the courage to leave him after five years of abuse; even though he threatened to commit suicide if I did.

After enduring five years of abuse, it would have been wise to take time to heal. But I was young, dumb, and desperately wanted and longed for the family I dreamed of from my childhood. Not everyone dreams of a family, but those that do dream of supportive, encouraging spouses, healthy children, and family vacations. I wanted nothing more in life. Then along came my “night in shining armor” not even a month after leaving my first husband. I was still hurting and broken so I easily fell for his charm, and six months later I was pregnant with my oldest son. I had my second son two and a half years later, and my third fourteen and a half months after that. Yep, three kids in four and a half years. I finally had what I had dreamed about right? A stay-at-home mom with three healthy children; what more could I want.

The problem was I had unknowingly rushed into a marriage with a Grandiose Narcissist who was also addicted to drugs and alcohol. Of course, I did not come to realize he was a Grandiose Narcissist until 11 years later when I reached my breaking point.

I was severely depressed and grieving still over my dads passing. It was at this time I also started having debilitating panic attacks and was on the verge of becoming agoraphobic. I went twenty-one straight days without leaving my home. I would wake up long enough to care for my kids who were homeschooling at the time, and then go back and lay in bed. My self-care was non-existent. If not for my sons, I would have given up entirely. Many ask why I stayed so long, why not leave him sooner. To be honest I tried once and went back to him out of fear. He would threaten to take my kids away from me saying I could not financially provide for them. The years of gaslighting had destroyed my sanity. He often used my mental health against me and constantly told me I was crazy.

But I reached my breaking point three years ago. I was determined to get away from him and to have a better life for me and my kids no matter what it took. I left with nothing. No car, home, money, education, work history nothing. I started with a fast-food job I walked to while staying with a friend. Then found a factory job working 60 hours a week and sleeping in a friend’s car until I had enough saved for an apartment and then my own car. I was working so much and barely getting by all while their father refused to pay child support.

Then my mother passed away throwing me for another mental downward spiral. I felt so defeated and lost. I needed help. Which was not an easy thing for me to admit. Society has placed such an ugly stigma on mental illness. I did not want to be looked at as “damaged or defective”. But I found the courage to seek counseling. That is when I learned what a Grandiose Narcissist is; and gaslighting.

It has been a long and bumpy journey, but one I would gladly take again. Because through my storm I have found my passion. I started speaking up and sharing my story. And the more I did the more people would thank me for sharing because they had or were going through the same things. They would tell me how brave and strong I was. That I gave them strength knowing they were not alone. I give them hope for a better life. Hearing this fueled my passion and led me to becoming a life coach and author. Because if my story can help even one person it makes everything I have been through worth it. I am grateful to inspire hope through writing. And when I write I feel closer to my mom. She wrote many things in her life and always wanted to be a published author. Her dream died with her. But I am living mine!