An Open Letter To My Parents

Dear parents,

To start off, yes I know I’m completely pathetic as I couldn’t even find the courage to say this apology straight to either of your faces. It may be because I’m afraid no one will care about my apology. It may be that my ego is so big I cannot admit when I’m at the wrong. Maybe I’m simply just too ashamed to talk about it face to face.

Do you want to know truthfully why (in the best words I can explain it)?

Because I cannot, it is hard for me.

From all the things I have done.

However, please know that these words come from deep within my heart, a place I don’t really show to anyone but you both are exceptions.

Every time I am with you (when we’re not fighting), I feel complete and utter calmness, and that I’m at home.

Always there for me when I feel weak.

The warmth that embraces me when I speak of my problems to you both.

The ones who do not let go when I am down.

I want to say "thank you".

However, there is a problem.

I have never said that.

I have never said thanks to my parents.

I was never a good child, to begin with.

I cannot even say a simple thank you.

In fact, not only have I not said thank you, I’ve done just the opposite, always accusing you both of hurting me emotionally, but I know now I’ve done so too.

I know now how much I hurt you, how many times I was impatient with you when (I see now) you were doing the best you could.

I want to apologize for everything.

From how I hurt you both emotionally and to the things I cannot do.

I am sorry if I hurt you.

I am sorry I did not listen.

I am sorry if I always made you worry.

And, I am sorry if I am not a perfect child.

To summarize all the things I’m sorry for, I'm sorry for the way I treat you. You deserve so much more than the way I act. You do everything you possibly can for me and I hate myself for what I do to you.

I’m sorry for being so mean and ignorant.

I’m sorry for yelling at you.

I’m sorry for being ungrateful.

I'm sorry for the hurtful things I said to you.

It was said out of anger. I should've used my anger in a different way.

I'm sorry for disrespecting you. In reality I didn't mean it but life's hard and when things get in the way I don't stop it.

I try to be better, I really do, but for some reason it doesn't usually work out. I know I need to change, and I try, but it just... doesn't happen. I wish I could just snap my fingers and stop, but it doesn't work that way.

I'll try harder from now on. I don't want to disappoint you, you're too good for that and I love you too much. And I truly understand that you both love me too

I understand you love me because you put food on the table for me and a roof over my head.

I understand you love me because you make sacrifices for me with money and time.

I understand you love me because you have the willingness to change and adapt to make my life happier as a child, such as changing your plan for the day by squeezing in a 5k.

I understand you love me because you are always on call. Though I absolutely hate the scolding I know it’s in my interest as it teaches me that life is hard, a lesson I shall learn to accept. Life just isn’t going to get better than this if I don’t accept it.

I understand you love me because you wouldn’t let anyone hurt me ever.

I understand you love me because you always want to know about my well-being and how my day was.

I understand you love me because you are my number one fans as you’re the first to celebrate my accomplishments and cheer me on and help me achieve my dreams.

I understand you love me because you always put my best interest at heart. You would never want me to end up with a job I’m completely unhappy with every minute I’m there. Instead you want what’s best for me, not for you.

And honestly there are not enough words to describe how thankful I am to both of you. I know I don't show how grateful I am enough, but I really am. You both have taught me so much, and just the thought of growing up and going away to college and leaving you has made me realize how much you both mean to me

Thank you for your endless amounts of love, even when I probably don't deserve it.

Thank you for all your support, no matter what.

Thank you for helping me with my math homework (even though I'm supposedly old enough to do that on my own).

Thank you for the meals, the birthday parties, and everything in between.

Thank you for all the advice, even when I don't take it. You guys are always right, even though I don’t like it.

But I’m just jealous that you guys are like independent birds that have already, way before me, grown wings and flown far away from your nests.

Yet I don’t always see it from your point of view, and my lack of empathy has done nothing but hurt you.

I don’t usually understand or even think about the fact that neither of you have someone to tell you they love you everyday and say everything is going to be alright because you’re already stuck to the idea that life will never get better than this. No one can (literally) get those knots out of your hair when you’re upset. You don’t have a new life to look up to or a dream job to pursue or just the pleasure of figuring out who you are.

Because those thoughts are already stuck in your minds.

Being an adult is much worse than being a kid, for no one is there to tell you you’re alright, and you have hardly nothing to look up to.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

I can be that person to tell you I love you and support you when you’re feeling down. I can practice empathy by expressing my sorrow for you when you’re simply tired of life.

Because everyone is at one point or another.

Heck, I’ve only lived on this planet for sixteen years and more often than not I’m tired of life too.

All we have is each other. We’re our only best friends, sisters, and family combined. And we can’t get through those hard days alone.

And being sad doesn’t make one any less. Share your feelings with me, all of them. Because parents don’t always need to just be treated like a shoulder to cry on or a punching bag, because more often than not they need one of their own.

Right now I don’t think of you as above me. I think of you simply as the building blocks, trying to shape me into a better person, and someday my time will come that I’ll have to do the same for my child(ren).

I will have a child in need of love.

I will have a child in need of affection.

I will have a child in need of food, shelter and education.

I will have a child who will someday have his/her own child to be motherly to.

We’re all the same. We all go through hard times, whether you’re rich/poor, optimistic/pessimistic, black/white, hungry/well fed, depressed/just sad.

But children also need to figure out who they are on their own, so please also keep that in mind.

I need to figure out who I am too, that’s not your guy’s job.

That’s the next stage of my life.

Building blocks cannot choose your life for you.

They can only shape you into a better person.

But as my building blocks you’ve shaped me in so many ways.

Mommy, you’ve sure made me (possibly genetically) slightly anxious, stressed out, and develop anger problems, yet you’ve also taught me so much more than that. I know you have a very low self esteem but please know you are worthy of everything in the world and you truly do carry the following qualities. You’ve taught me (at least tried to teach me) how to be kind, caring, sweet, empathetic, loving, how to love myself more, generous, intelligent, determined, tough, a better friend, and respectful. This is because this is exactly who you are, all the good things, and that’s only to name a few. I hope someday I can learn to carry these wonderful attributes.

Stepmom, though you’re very strict, have a low self esteem (even though you are very successful, strong, independent, and beautiful), and sometimes are a bit pessimistic (I am too...it’s okay) you too carry wonderful attributes. You’ve taught me (of at least tried to) how to be strong, brave, loyal, persistent, prepared for the hard things in life, cautious, generous, flexible, responsible, wise, grateful, and how to not care what others say about me (when they say negative things because God knows they will talk BEEP) I also hope someday I can learn to carry these amazing, underestimated qualities.

I want to learn just love you all the time and the same love for me as well.

I want to enjoy our time together while we still have it.

Life is short and time is irreversible.

We can never take back our fights.

We can never forget how we made each other feel.

But do you know what we can do?

We can learn to move on.

That way we’ll become better people and be treated with more respect in return.

Every mother deserves the same respect, love, and to be cherished as every child deserves.

You may never be the perfect mothers.

I may never be the perfect daughter.

We may never be the perfect family.

But all we can do is make each other happy. And everyone deserves happiness, young or old, man or woman, black or white, dog or human.

But everyone also argues and fights.

Everyone has their bad side.

All dogs can bark and bite back.

No one enjoys the idea of fighting, especially with the only people they can depend on for love, their family.

Not the child.

Not the mom/dad.

Not even the dog.

So please, can we just come to the agreement to just forgive and forget?

I will try hard not to fight, and when I know I’m wrong I’ll try to train myself to apologize.

Everyone in this house is a wonderful human being (and dog being) and not a single one of us deserves to be disrespected without even an apology.

From now on I will try to be a better daughter. (It’s not the “perfect” I know you want but it’s the best offer I’ve got.)

My behavior shall no longer be “justified” with an excuse. Instead I’ll simply remind myself why I shouldn’t be fighting with two of the most amazing women I know.

I hope if I do so if you can somehow forgive me, not by actually forgetting as that’s impossible, but instead reminding yourselves that I’m not perfect and that most of the time I don't mean it and will try hard (from now on) to correct it.

You can punish me for you’re my parents and that’s not for me to decide, however I of course being the one receiving the punishment obviously hope not to be punished especially not from doing one of the few things I enjoy. Running actually helps me calm down and helps lower my stress so it’s actually not only good for me but also the entire household. But that’s not my decision so I’ll leave that up to you.

So with that I believe that was all I needed to get off my chest and straightened up and if you read all the way down to here then I can most definitely conclude you both care very much about me and my emotional well-being so thank you.

And please, never ever forget, even when I’m at my worst that I love you so much though I rarely say it.

P.S., I’m going to work on that too.

Love,

Your one and only daughter Emily