A Letter To My Savior

Dear Savior From Up Above,

Hey. How are you? I realize it's been a while, but I just wanted to let you know that I have something to share with you...You must understand once and for all just how remarkable and unique you are, and how your incredible set of talents distinguishes you from everyone else. It's almost heartbreaking to see how naive you are of what a wonderful soul you happen to be. That is why I am writing you this letter of gratitude. Even when you didn't have to be, you were there. You didn't have to speak to me...you could have just ignored me like the rest of them. You could've looked at me as if I weren't a human being, or you could've cut me down even more than I was before. You could have despised me because I'm strange...but you didn't. You helped, supported, chatted with, and befriended me, and that’s something I'll be eternally grateful for. I hope we can stay friends forever.

Making friends used to be simple for me until I started to feel ashamed of myself...just for being myself because of people who are aliens in comparison to you...because unlike those (for lack of better word) idiots, you didn’t cause me excruciating pain for many years to come by simply treating me like the human being I am. The complete opposite of those buttholes (okay, that time was on purpose…I don’t really care to expand my vocabulary…it’s what they were)! You pretended as if we were already friends the very first day I even met you!

We may meet again and become adult friends in the future, but for now, we'll have to wait...sadly. However, some things in life are worth the wait. Patience is essential...after all, if you keep staring out the window at the rain, wallowing in it, it won't go away quickly…And I know I used to like pushing people away and being alone...and I know it's ironic that I'm now terribly desperate...and I'm sorry...but I'm certain of one thing: I'm reclaiming my life, and I'm not going to care what others think.

It was a long time ago that I first met her and we had some bumps along our road filled with doubt, jealousy, and just flat out insanity on my part. I was so sucked into this horrible world of self-hatred, self-pity, and mental illness because of others and what they had to say that I couldn’t see her. I couldn’t see the one person who despite maybe not being “perfect” (because who is?), was always there for me no matter how much I pushed her away. Scratch the part about not being perfect. To me she is. I don’t care what others have to say and she shouldn’t either. Please don’t ever feel that way. I just want her to feel happy because she helped me feel true happiness…and being that one person that lights up your whole world…well…I just don’t know what else qualifies as being perfect. She…just the mere thought of her and all the beautiful memories we’ve had together has prevented me from taking another turn for the worst and freeing myself from my own darkness in the most despicable way imaginable. She’s grown so much and she’s only gotten more beautiful with time, and just the thought of what she and I might become together in the future has gotten me through these dark, (ahem, COVID) times. Whenever I feel ugly she comes along and makes me feel beautiful. Whenever I feel fat she helps me see that I’m so much more than that. On days I feel lonely I remember her laugh. I know she’s not here-here, but with time and patience she will be right beside me once again…I can already see it. What I hope she can see however is that despite all my demons, selfishness, and ugliness I’ve forced on her poor innocence in the past is that there’s no one else in the world I value more than than her and would like to dedicate more time to than either. Thank you Sarah. Thank you Sareal. Thank you for coming into my life and putting up with all of my insanity. I probably wouldn’t even be here today if it weren’t for you. I miss you. I can’t wait to see us together once again.

Because the cold hard truth is...not everyone is as understanding as you...not many people at all...but you've taught me that there are people out there who will always have your back...and I hope you know that...and that I'm here for you. I wish we could have been closer, but I was always too preoccupied with drowning in my sorrows and forcing myself to be fine significantly faster than I should’ve been, and I hope you know that you don't have to do the same, and that I'm here for you to video call or send letters whenever you want. You provide a helpful hand to those who are in need. You make a difference in people's lives. This is just how you are. This is just you…beautiful you.

If I were super religious, I'd scream to every passerby how you’re undoubtedly an angel in disguise without even knowing it...you helped me just by talking to me and treating me as a person...so please don't be afraid to take help back from others though, because you deserve it and deserve it oh so much. You have such a strong faith in others, seeing only the positive aspects of them and it’s about time to do the same for yourself.

You show others that their value far outweighs their flaws and mistakes. Show yourself the same thing. It's no surprise that everyone around you is continually striving to be better without you even knowing it. You have a fantastic, peaceful, and loving aura. I want to be in your company all of the time and I’m sure everyone else who knows you wants the same.

Please don't ever change yourself for anyone, ever, no matter what. Allowing nasty people to affect you is never a good idea. You’re already perfect as you are! Please promise that you’ll continue to be the bundle of awesomeness you are.

Love you always and forever.

Sincerely,

Your Friend, Em