Always and Forever

When I was a little girl I was as happy as I could be. I didn't have a care in the world, mommy and daddy both loved me, that was all I needed. Somewhere along the line something went horribly wrong. My parents split up, that's pretty normal I suppose. Never did I think they would stop loving me. Their only daughter. Daddy signed his rights away. Mommy can't stand me most of the time. I thought a parents love was unconditional. I thought mommy and daddy would always love me, even when I wasn't a little girl anymore. I'm only 20 years old. How do you mourn for someone whose still alive?

Yellopain said it best in his song Graduation. "I love the way you love, but you love everyone except me." "Sometimes when you look at me I feel like you regret me, and the way you look when you see him sometime effects me." Did I so something wrong? Am I really the reason the family can't be happy? Am I really just a mistake? I'm sorry I ruined my parents life's. I know I'm not the daughter they wanted. I'm doing the best I can. I have a job, I have 2 beautiful sons, I have my own apartment, I'm engaged. Somehow that's still not enough though.

I could never leave my sons. I can only hope that I never make them feel this way. I will strive and fight to be the best mommy I can be. They'll never question weather mommy loves them or not. I will ALWAYS love them no matter what. Always and Forever. If I could put everything I feel into this stupid story, I would. There's just so much that I can't even find the words for. My oldest son will be 3 years old in just 2 months. I watched him grow up, his first words, his first crawl, his first walk, his first full sentence, and now I get to watch it all again on top of watching my first baby be the best big brother there ever was.

I don't understand my family. I don't understand the dysfunction and broken pieces of it all. My Aunts and Uncles all hate each other, my grandmother hates some of her own children, my cousins are basically non existent. I guess a lot of it would be the ones that are relying on other substances to get through life. Riding and living on their addiction, but this is deeper than just the addictions.

A family should be a family. I want my sons to know their family, but I can't take this feeling anymore. I feel like I'm being pushed out of my own family, like I'm not wanted. I didn't ASK to be here, I was brought into this world. It makes no sense to me. I love my parents, and most of my family dearly. I would do anything for most of them as well, but I can't teach my babies that its okay to feel the way I feel and not speak up for yourself. I have to be strong. My sons will know love. My sons will know family. My sons will know true happiness. My sons will never know the depression and self hurting habits I picked up on in my 20 years. Even when my boys are all grown up, I'll still hold them just a little tighter, hug them a little longer, kiss them every day, and most of all I will tell them how handsome and smart and funny they are. The one thing they will ALWAYS ALWAYS know NO MATTER WHAT, is that mommy is proud of them and loves them.

ALWAYS AND FOREVER.