All the Words I Didn't Say

Dear Mom,

First of all, I’m sorry. I know I wasn’t always the best when you were here, and I’m sorry I made your days harder than they needed to be. I often feel bad thinking back on your death and wondering if I had caused less stress on you if it would’ve given you a few more months or years with us here on this Earth.

You will always be my hero. When I was younger, I never saw how much you struggled. Your relationship with my father started off strong, but by the time I was in 5th grade, things started to get worse. I remember the day my father walked out on us. I was confused and didn’t understand why he never came home. I don’t fully remember the days that followed, but I know that you were right by our side, never making us feel bad for what happened. The day he came back and asked for forgiveness I thought it would be okay. But that didn’t last long either. Shortly after, he filed for divorce and moved out officially. I know how hard that was on you. With your knee injury, you were never given the chance to work, and now you have to figure out how to support your young kids.

Getting child support was like pulling teeth, except the teeth were superglued in his mouth and we didn’t have a jackhammer to get it out. The amount of unnecessary strain it caused you was unreal. Sometimes all I can remember is arguing and fighting and stress and worrying. I know that’s not how you want me to remember my childhood, and for the most part I don’t. But there are days when I think back to all the times that things didn’t go right in life and it makes me sad. It hurts that someone so nice and genuine as you had to deal with that on a weekly basis at the least.

A lot of times, when I think of you, I think of all the great times. You getting to come down to Florida and see my sister and I perform in Disney World. One of the greatest things is getting to see you in Florida, surrounded by your family, getting to see us perform. Even if it was just practicing at home, you always loved to listen to us, and never missed a concert no matter how many times you heard Hallelujah Chorus during Christmas. You loved everything we did, and it was always a comfort in my mind to know that you were in the crowd, even if I couldn’t see you. Even for Sarah’s track meets, we always made sure to go to every single one, cheering her on from the sidelines every time she passed us.

In my mind, the biggest thing I remember when I think of you is how great you were. You were the best person in my life, and my only constant. Even when the world was crumbling around us, you stayed strong in the middle and let us know we would make it through it together. Growing up after the divorce wasn’t easy, but you handled it so well and made us feel safe and secured. You showed me what it means to be strong and resilient and do what you need to do to get things done.

I don’t know how I’m going to continue life without you now that you’re gone. You won’t see me get married, have kids, hell, you haven’t even met my boyfriend who is the love of my life. I know you would love him, and it hurts me that the person I want to marry will never have the luxury of knowing you in person. Because you are the greatest person anyone could have ever known. I see you in the things that I do, and the person I have become. I will keep your legacy alive in any and every way that I can. I talk about you all the time, sharing funny stories and things that we would do to you. Whenever I have children, I will definitely name my first girl after you, Jane Elizabeth. You will forever in my children, and they will grow up knowing of their grandmother, the one they never got to meet. I love you mom, and I’ll see you soon.