All The Things I Didn’t Get To Tell You.

I wish these were my last words to you.

I wish that I knew that the last time that we talked, that I saw you that would be the last time you would be able to talk. That you would be able to see me.

That those would be the last real moments we would be able to share together. That those moments were the true last goodbye to you.

I would have taken the breaths you had left to express everything that I am grateful for in who you are and what you brought into my life.

I would have said thank you. In a million different ways. Through all the memories that I now only hold. Through everything that has come flooding back.

Thank you for giving me a home. In your heart and in the space you existed within.

Thank you for choosing me amongst all the children you could have chosen.

Thank you for saving me from a life that would have probably been far less than my life has been. Thank you for giving me a chance.

Thank you for making it such a priority for me and Gea to be friends my whole childhood so that I would always have a lifelong friend in her, the sister that I never had.

For all the playdates that we had and the time you made for us to spend time together.

Thank you for being on my side with Dad over the years and fighting for me in moments even if we didn't win.

Thank you for always trying to help me even when dad didn’t approve and for all of the little ways that you’ve supported me throughout my childhood and in college.

Thank you for teaching me to have a deep love for cats and for strays because without you I don’t know if I would have had the heart I do for cats and for my neighborhood strays.

For teaching me to take care of them with everything in my heart and soul. For teaching me to love them well.

Thank you for not giving up on me even when you hadn’t heard from me or I hadn’t replied you still continued to reach out and taught me what never giving up on someone looks like.

For all the Facebook posts, horse and cat memes, and gifs you sent even when I never replied. I wish I hadn't taken them for granted but I also needed to do what was best for me. For always trying to connect even when you didn't quite know how.

Thank you for teaching me to always look out for myself and choose myself even when over the past few years you probably wish you hadn't so strongly taught me that because it made distance be the only thing that existed most of the time between us.

Thank you for always trying to connect with me in the ways that you knew I knew a lot about and the things that I was good at even in the end.

I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye and I don’t think we were ever meant to through your sense of being strong willed I also learned to be and through you standing up for what you believed in I also learned to embrace the parts of me that once I found the footing that felt right even if that meant different steps than you walked, or that you wanted for me.

Thank you for teaching me to always work hard even when I was tired and always earn extra money because you always wanted me to be okay by myself.

Thank you for talking to dad when I couldn’t, when he wouldn't listen to me but you tried to get him to see my side. Or just when you need to "translate" cause of his hearing, which was most of the time.

For always having more patience than Dad with me in when I needed to relearn how to ride a bike and drive a car.

For letting me buy all that Christmas stuff that one trip up even when Dad got upset cause he thought it meant I wouldn't come home for holidays.

For convincing Dad to let me go to Tampa when I wanted to go to University of Tampa and not making me continue playing softball in college even when for a decade of my life that was the plan.

Thank you for teaching me that no matter how complicated or complex a relationship may be that you have to keep fighting for it. Maybe eventually give up but that family is never something you should really give up on even when I took a giant step back from it.

The heart you always had for trying to keep your siblings together. You always tried with all of them, no matter how frustrated you or misunderstood some were at times.

Thank you for showing me what a lifetime of dedication to the things you believed in looked like, even if we didn't align always that value always translated to me.

Thank you for your heart and the spirit of ministry that you embodied throughout all the years I knew you.

Thank you for defending me when the teachers called about me doing weird shit like not eating the outside of pickle spears.

For understanding when I made toe rings out of pipe cleaners cause of Miss Dawn having them that I just wanted to be like her.

For explaining to Uncle Skip when I came running crying to you about him opening my salt and vinegar chips that all I was independent and only wanted him to get them down. And always telling that story as the “that man” story.

For the time that Trevor bit me in preschool and you defended me in saying he probably bit me first so I bit him harder.

For letting me put random shit in the cart all the time when I was little and we’d go grocery shopping. For letting me buy insane amounts of girl scout cookies that always went bad. For all the side trips you me do for froyo and other random snacks just to make me happy.

For still until the end remembering things I loved that I had forgotten about and trying to reminisce with me.

For remembering things that I loved that I forgot about like the cookies from that one place in Albany

Thank you for all the time and effort you dedicated to my softball career.

For all the driving you did. For all the time. For all the balls you caught when I went through my pitching phase and all the hours you spend with me at practices, lessons, and tournaments. For forcing me to practice even when I didn't want to.

For being my biggest cheerleader all growing up with sports. For fighting for me and defending me in sports with my coaches.

For supporting all my toy phases Webkinz, Polly Pockets, Littlest Pet Shop...all of it.

For all the hurricanes you sat with me and let me beat you in Monopoly and be ruthless lol.

For never forcing my femininity even when all Dad wanted was cotillion and dresses. Thank you for trying to find a compromise for me.

Thank you for teaching me the importance of being thoughtful in the small things in life and for filling my life not with as many big moments but with meaningful little ones and the value in those.

For showing me what it looks like all growing up for someone to notice and be attentive, even when it was a bit much at times you showed me that people who care are in tune and pay attention to the things that you love and care about. The things that make you, you and they actually remember.

Thank you for teaching me that little things always matter, little ways always impact.

For impacting me enough in that way that acts of service is one of the biggest ways I show and receive love now.

For showing me through the years what love through service meant and teaching me how meaningful it can be to give and receive.

Thank you for always working to establish traditions and teaching me inherently the stability and memories that they bring.

For always making space to let my independent spirit do things alone or first if I wanted to. For dealing with me all the times that I got moody and stubborn out of frustration for whatever reason.

For dealing with my difficult ass when I was little and trying everything you could think of to get me to eat from Danimals, to microwaveable bacon, to other random nonsense even when I would waste most of it.

For always letting me help in the kitchen and letting me cook and teaching me how to do things like make my first lasagna. For giving me freedom in the kitchen when I wanted to cook.

For helping me try to hide my special food from Dad and when I went through my health phase buying me special foods and even when I came to visit trying to remember what I liked and getting some of it.

Thank you for teaching me the basics of cooking when I showed interest. For always washing all my dishes since I've always hated that. For teaching me to always bring something to a party cause apparently not everyone's parents taught them that. For always buying extra baby corn cause you knew how much I loved them.

Thank you for always being giving even if you didn’t have much and putting yourself second even when you deserved to be first.

For showing me what it looked like to live a simple life, to find happiness in the simple things in life and even if that didn't translate into every way with me I fully believe that certain aspects of it did. The ways that actually matter did resonate in my heart and are actively what I value in other people.

Thank you for your spirit of being so stubborn and angry at times about things you felt were unfair or not right but also being incredible patient and persistent with things whether it was with things at school, Dad, me, or even your own siblings.

For always fiercely fighting for what you believed was right.

There are so many things that I appreciated about the way you approached and handled life.

Because to me, it was always more about the values below the surface, below the "politics" of it all than how they actually manifested and translated externally.

Those are the things that I take with me and a lot of values that helped to shape me into who and how I am now. Because alot of who you are, who you were resonated within parts of me even if my interpretation and perception looks different.

I may not have always done the best job at expressing love or appreciation but I did hold a deep sense of respect for you for so many reasons.

I do not think I fully realized that until now and I am sorry for that. And I know you would have understood even if you initially struggled that as I grew my self respect outweighed the respect that sometimes you may have felt I was obliged to uphold to you.

But what was vital was me needing to learn how to respect myself enough to be my own person free from any guilt or shame or obligation needed to take priority and I think deep down while you may not have liked or fully understood that, a part of you respected that you raised a daughter strong enough to do that.

That even though it hurt, I hope a part of you was proud. A part of you had to know I would come back and never be completely gone.

I always only ever wanted to make you proud of me. And sometimes that meant needing to figure out how to be proud of myself, how to find myself, and how to be myself. To find the version of me that not you would be proud of but that I also could be proud of.

Just as we had that one lunch and you said your biggest fear was that if something happened to you or my dad that I wouldn't be there or be reachable and I said that wasn't true. And I was there, just like I said I would be. In your last few days, as heart breaking as it was.

Thank you for letting me watch the "doe doe movie" also know as "The Sounds of Music" a million times in a row until I finally got tired of it when I was little and always making me popcorn to go with it.

Thank you for the ways that you were resourcefully creative and taught me so many unique ways to repurpose things. That is a huge part of who I am now in my skill for being resourceful and being able to pivot when one thing doesn't work out or even in running my business to maximize profits.

Thank you for not being as strict as dad was and letting me color outside the lines a little.

For all the concession stands that we worked together that you just worked so I could have fun money. For all the Saturday’s that you took me to the pet store so I could see the adopt-a-cat cats. For all the dollar tree trips just so I could buy candy. For all the McDonald's after practice trips. For all the giant Chinese takeout pick ups we spent together.

For always joking that I would never be a leg model cause of my sliding scars.

Thank you for all the sacrifices over the years you made and having less so I could have more. For always giving me and everyone else so much and being content with less just because you wanted others to have more. For always letting me take back with me what food or things I wanted cause you always just wanted me to be okay.

Thank you for always trying to let me know that it was okay to be soft and feel things because you knew deep down how sensitive I am. And how much I want to pretend that I do not feel but actually deeply feel.

For always trying to look out for me as best you could in the ways you knew. For loving me to the best of your ability and continuing to show up even when I made it hard.

Thank you for always trying your best and showing me that it is never about being perfect in showing up but in putting in effort to try even if you keep getting it wrong that still means something.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to help you one last time before I lost you. To give to you in a way that was meaningful to you.

Thank you for not making me say goodbye even when you probably knew there was a good chance it was.

For loving me. I hope you know how much I did love you even if at times it felt far.

For letting me find my own goodbye in these words, in my own time.

Thank you for not forcing a goodbye.