After Everything

After four days in Cleveland at Norma Herr I didn't think that I had it in me to keep fighting. Now, I feel like now I can handle anything mostly because my brain hurts and I'm exhausted. I'm getting the divorce I always wanted from Shane Aurelien. I knew on some level the marriage wasn't going to last. He was to controlling for my taste. I'm happier now, with Chris. I didn't think it was possible to be that happy. No one will ruin that for me.

No one can ruin my happiness unless I let them. I have my own brain and I value my freedom of choice. I feel like this happiness is endless. Something that should have never been let go. It's all about love for me now, and working hard.

I'm emotionally exhausted, right now. I keep smelling root beer in the air, and bread.

I know this is strange for me to say but food smells so good right now. I just don't feel like eating. My heart says, I want to be out of this city as soon as possible. Might as well think of it as a learning experience rather then a curse.

Nothing about pain is ever easy, I am comfortable knowing that I am doing something right. Nothing I do it feels like is ever right lately. The constant need to fight for what I want is never easy. I mean I know my bark is worse then my bite. I have a need to sleep from the mental exhaustion of being at Norma Herr again.

Shocked by everything that has happened to me lately, I've been extra tired lately not even worrying about time management. Just surviving.

Who would have thought I survived so much of this shit, only to realize my happiness is only where it needs to be. Between me and my baby, our happiness is what matters.

I want Underground Cafe to be a safe place for all race dynamics to hang out at drink coffee, hangout, and just be themselves. A safe haven where there is no hate, no racism. That's the dream at least, to much is going on in Cleveland I don't want my safe haven for the public to be in the heart of darkness.

Even though I realize this is a fools errand, it's my choice to follow my dream and open this business eventually.

Our dreams never fade away, Our love never fades away, we just gotta know where to the fighting just has to end at some point.

After everything so far, I'm always a survivor nothing can stop me from doing what needs to be done. The best part is knowing that for all of those who hurt me now they gotta deal with their own Karma now. It's so hard right now, I really just miss Chris so much. I didn't think any of this was fair at first, now I know after thinking about it it's just temporary just as my honey said. I gotta put a some effort on my part too make the best out of it. I like to think I have anyways. Working everything one step at a time.

I'm still worried a lot. I gotta not dwell on the stuff I can't control. Because if I do and I am pregnant for sure I don't want to lose my baby. I want my baby to be strong, safe, and loved by both of us. I'm tired of losing my children from my last marriage 2 miscarriages and yet the pain is still there. The hurt is still there, from the previous marriage with Shane. I just kept it to myself. He acted like he didn't feel anything when I lost the kids. To me that's a monster.