After-Brunch Tears

We had brunch together this morning. Kristie, Dayo, and baby Kayo. Noelle, Carter, little Sadie and baby Brynn. And me.

Kristie, Noelle and I clustered around one end of the table, still reveling in all being together again after 12 years of living in different places. We've all changed so much in that time, but we've stayed in touch. The most visible and tangible changes are evident in the husbands and children who have been added to our group.

Dayo and Carter sat at the other end of the table. I'm not sure if they're actually friends with each other, but they're both great guys who love their wives and their wives love each other like sisters, so they get along well enough.

Sadie sat in the middle of the table and the babies were passed around to whoever could convince them to be the most still. Calming babies is not in my skillset, but I could pick up the book that Kayo dropped on the floor and the spoon that Brynn threw down. I could listen to Sadie talk about her new doll. And I could love them. I do love them.

So I can't quite figure out why I cried as I drove away.

It's not that I'm jealous or feel like I'm falling behind in life. I don't actually want what Kristie and Noelle have. Sure, a partner would be nice. But I've never wanted kids of my own. I'm happy to be their aunty. Two of my mom's single friends have always been "Aunty" to me and I appreciate them so much for their love and support over the years. I have a lot of aunties who are related to me by blood or marriage and I love them, too, but there is just something about chosen family, isn't there? As I have become an aunty to my friends' children, I look not to Auntie Ruth or Auntie Laura for guidance, but to Aunty Gwen and Aunty Jean, those two who chose me and my sister because they had already chosen my mom. They are the kind of aunty that I want to be to Sadie, Brynn, and Kayo. They are the kind of woman I want to be. I want to be the aunty, not the mom. That's my choice and I am happy with it.

So why did I cry?

It's not that I felt left out of the conversation. I mean, sure, we talked about the kids a lot. But we also talked about travel and work and upcoming birthday plans and how absolutely delicious our brunch was. They made sure to ask about my classes at school and the convention I went to yesterday. Even when we did talk about the kids, I was into it. I'm interested in their kids because I am interested in Kristie and Noelle. Who they are now includes how they have changed after becoming wives and mothers. I love them and I feel loved by them.

So why did I cry?

It's not that I felt some great loss as we filed out of the café. In fact, I was a little relieved to be leaving the chaos behind. The babies' naptimes were quickly approaching and their emotions were becoming increasingly more volatile, so I let the families pay their bills first. They stepped outside as I stepped up to the counter to pay my own bill. The waitress who had taken care of us asked what my plans were for the rest of the day. I said I was off to cat-sit my cousin's cats. She told me that she prefers cats to kids and I agreed, saying that I'm happy to hang out with the kids over brunch, but I'm also really happy for them to go home with their parents. Which might sound awful, but is also just true. Actually, I am happy to hang out with the kids for a lot longer than it takes to eat a meal, but I will always be happy to leave those interactions for the calm and quiet of my own life.

So why did I cry? Can anyone tell me? Because I am still crying.