Abilities required for a thriving partnership with your significant other

Intimacy, security, respect, effective communication, and feeling valued are the fundamental components of thriving relationships, according to most individuals, including researchers. Extensive research on romantic relationships has illuminated the attributes of healthy partnerships, with the mentioned qualities being among the key factors. On the flip side, researchers also concur on the characteristics of unhealthy relationships, such as perpetual arguments, an inability to seek support from your partner, contempt, criticism, hostility, and even violence. These problems can lead to significant unhappiness, the dissolution of relationships, and even physical and emotional health issues. Therefore, fostering healthy relationships is of paramount importance.

However, a critical issue arises: how many people truly understand what actions to take daily to nurture healthy relationships? The reality is that most people may comprehend the essence of a healthy relationship, yet they lack guidance on how to build and sustain one. This crucial knowledge is typically imparted when it is almost too late, through couples therapy, for example. While couples therapy can be beneficial, it often occurs when deep-seated problems and patterns have already taken root, making change difficult. Premarital education is another avenue for relationship education, but it can come too late, as people have already chosen their life partner. In such cases, no amount of premarital education can compensate for a poor choice of partner. Consequently, the existing approaches to teaching people about healthy relationships have limitations, as they neglect three crucial aspects: truly understanding one's desires and needs in a partner and a relationship, selecting the right partner, and acquiring and employing relationship skills from the outset.

The need for comprehensive education on fostering healthy relationships, particularly for young individuals, becomes evident. To address this need, my colleagues and I have developed a skills-based model for relationship functioning that we believe can empower people to create the foundations of healthy relationships while diminishing behaviors that lead to unhealthy ones. This model revolves around three core skills: insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation, collectively known as "romantic competence." This competence encompasses the ability to navigate all aspects of the relationship process, from understanding one's own needs to selecting the right partner and fostering a healthy relationship, as well as recognizing when to exit an unhealthy relationship.

Now, let's engage in these skills. The first is insight, which pertains to self-awareness, understanding, and continuous learning. Insight enables individuals to gain a better grasp of their own identities, needs, wants, and behavioral patterns. For instance, it helps them recognize that their irritability with their partner may be stemming from workplace stress rather than anything their partner has done. Insight also allows individuals to gain deeper insights into their partners, appreciating their behaviors and motivations. It empowers individuals to anticipate the consequences of their actions and learn from past mistakes. Additionally, insight aids individuals in understanding what truly suits them in a relationship, whether it's monogamy or a more open arrangement.

The second skill is mutuality, which centers on recognizing that both individuals in a relationship have needs that hold significance. With mutuality, individuals can openly communicate their needs and strive to meet their partners' needs. It encourages open and direct communication, making it more likely that needs will be satisfactorily met. Mutuality also necessitates a willingness to support one's partner in pursuing their needs, even when it may not align with one's preferences. Moreover, mutuality prompts individuals to consider both parties' needs when making decisions that affect the relationship.

The third skill, emotion regulation, pertains to managing one's emotional responses to relationship events. It enables individuals to maintain emotional composure and perspective, even in challenging situations. Emotion regulation allows individuals to navigate emotional turbulence, maintain rational decision-making, and act in a respectful and self-affirming manner. This skill helps individuals avoid impulsive reactions and fosters resilience in the face of emotional upheaval.

To illustrate how these skills function, consider the example of an individual who failed to express their desire for a birthday present and consequently didn't receive one, leading to an argument. Insight would have empowered them to acknowledge their true desires, recognize their partner's literal thinking, and anticipate the emotional consequences of their actions. Mutuality would have allowed them to communicate their needs clearly and be willing to understand their partner's perspective. Emotional regulation would have aided in managing the anxiety or guilt that might have hindered them from expressing their desires openly.

Our research supports the importance of romantic competence in enhancing relationships, as we have observed its positive effects among various age groups. In early adolescent girls, romantic competence was linked to higher relationship security, better mental health, more positive expectations about future marriages, and healthier romantic behaviors. Among young adults, those with greater romantic competence reported more secure relationships, better decision-making abilities, improved support-seeking and provision skills, higher relationship satisfaction, and fewer depressive and anxiety symptoms.

In conclusion, imparting knowledge about how to cultivate healthy relationships is a pressing need. While many people grasp the concept of a healthy relationship, they often lack the practical skills to create and maintain one. The concept of romantic competence, grounded in insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation, offers a holistic approach to addressing this challenge. By teaching individuals these skills from an early stage, we can empower them to navigate all aspects of the relationship process successfully and foster healthier, more satisfying relationships. These skills can not only mitigate the behaviors that lead to unhealthy relationships but also nurture the qualities that underpin healthy relationships, such as intimacy, security, respect, effective communication, and a sense of being valued. This approach has the potential to benefit all types of relationships and promote individual and collective well-being. Thank you for reading.