A Whiskey Lullaby

The weather was rainy, cold, and foggy. I parked behind the hearse at the church. I really didn’t want to go inside. I really didn’t want to face this cold, harsh, heartbreaking reality. What I really wanted to do was go back to my bed, under the covers, and cry so hard that my face turns inside out. Walking into the church there’s poster boards full of Codys life. I’m trying to stuff my feelings down so I can get through today so I don’t spend too much time looking at those. I glance past the poster boards beyond the double doors down the aisle where the alter is. With the most heaviest of hearts I started to slowly walk down the aisle… like a wedding. I have my Jordan by my side. I look up at this giant canvas of Codys face in the middle of other big canvases of my little family. His urn was in front of the giant canvas picture. I locked eyes with the eyes in Codys picture and just broke down. I couldn’t be there much longer or it would draw attention. I just didn’t like to break down in front of other people. I left before anyone could come comfort me.

There was a room in the church full of Cody and I’s close family members where we all met before the funeral service began. I sat down at a table with my parents and sisters. Just looking around at all the people talking about memories of Cody and comforting each other. Kids were running around playing like they do at every event. I just kept thinking… backwards wedding. This isn’t even supposed to be a thing. The sound of everyone talking and laughing about memories and the sound of kids laughing and screaming just puts me back into the thought that this world just keeps moving forward without you in it. You should be here. With me. Cause you and me make one whole strong person together. Without you I’m not complete and I’m weak. I just can’t handle this much socialization. It became too much and I broke down once again. My mom took me out of the room and off to the side where it was just us two. I think she understood that it was overwhelming to me. She just sat there in silence with me and let me pull myself together. At that time a good friend, Tessa, walked by and seen that I was falling apart. She herself has had to go through a hardship like mine so she could just get me by looking at me. She gave me a hug and told me, “Don’t forget to breathe.” What she told me has stuck to me to this day. I did forget to breathe… a lot. Just breathe. I pulled myself together and went back into the room.

As the funeral began we all went to take our seats. It was a very beautiful service. They did a wonderful job putting it all together. A lot of the times it was hard to pick my head up. Jordan broke down during the service and I think it broke the entire churches heart. I put my arm around him trying to comfort him while trying to keep myself together. It was an extremely intense and heartbreaking moment. After the service the family all got up and turned around to walk down the aisle, out the doors towards our cars to go to the cemetery. As I got up and turned around, I seen that the whole church was packed! There were even people standing along the walls. So many people cared for him. I walked down the aisle with my head down. Walking away from the alter in this backwards wedding. Memories of our wedding flood my mind. Visions of you walking next to me, people cheering and clapping. Except… you’re not next to me. Everyone’s sad and everyone’s mourning. This was the most saddest day of my life.

It’s time to place Cody in the ground and bury him in his new resting place. The church heads out to the cemetery and I honestly can’t remember driving there. I can’t remember following the hearse. My mind just went blank. I do remember sitting under the blue canvas in the front seat right in front of Codys new resting place. All I could really do is stare into this six foot hole and think about how this is the end… the end of us… the end of my little family… my happily never after. I became paralyzed by the intense grief. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Till death do us part. It became silent and I just sat in it. Not realizing I’m supposed to be the first person to get up and walk away. The pastor breaks the silence and gets my attention. I got up feeling like I had so much weight pulling me down. My little four year old daughter looks down at Codys urn in the six foot hole. She sweetly and heart-breakingly says, “Goodbye Daddy!” We left ourselves there that day… and walked away empty.

To be continued….