A suicide survivors story

It was December 17th and it was brisk outside. I had come home in the morning after working the overnight shift at Mcdonalds. I was a Shift Manager at the time. At the time it was just a normal day for me going through the motions. I took a shower, grabbed a snack and sat down to watch some TV before bedtime. I didn't want to work the following night, but I had to. A co-worker said he would cover for me if I wanted to stay home and at the time I didn't know I would need it.

I believe it was a little after 5pm and my shift for work starts at 10 p.m. I heard my phone ring and thought what now I am going to be so tired for my shift tonight, it was my mom.

Hi mom, whats up?

Mom: Hey is your roommate there with you?

I'm not sure I think so

Mom: But are you home alone?

No, I'm not why what's up?

Mom: Dad died.

Thank you mom, I am going to go now.

I hung up the phone and it sounded like screaming coming from me. The hurt and ache couldn't be released fast enough. I cried so loud and so violently I felt out of control. I called my boyfriend and I could barely muster up a single word because I was so choked up and couldn't talk through the tears. I had to once again get off the phone because I couldn't talk. It was like a rush like I'd never felt before.

I took the night off and the rest of the week. I didn't know how to function and I didn't know how to be around another human being at that point.

I drove up to my family's house where I met up with aunts and uncles and immediate family to mourn together. The next day we had the cremation ceremony and I hugged my 2 sisters and cried as we pressed the button to turn on the incinerator. I remember leaving the building right after that and seeing the smoke pummel out of the top of the crematorium. We all sat there and had a shot for my dad as he loved to drink. I thought I was going to be able to hold it together and usually I am the one who can the best. One by one like dominoes that day we started crying, I eventually broke down lost it.

He's gone, Oh My God Hes Gone! , Oh my god , I can't do this, don't leave me dad !

Right after we ate lunch, but then it was to my dads apartment to retrieve things that we would want to keep for ourselves.

Here's what made it so hard.

The night before the cremation ceremony I remember sitting out on the porch talking with my Uncle about the situation as a whole.

Uncle Stephen: Did you're mom tell you how your dad died?

No, she didn't. I assumed he passed away in his sleep.

Uncle Stephen: He hung himself.

Oh ..?

Uncle Stephen: His landlord walked in and saw your dad hanging from the ceiling.

*Trying not to have a mental collapse* Oh my god...

Now my dad was 52 when he passed away and would be 55 now. He was sick for a couple years and kept going to the doctor, but they couldn't find anything. When they did the autopsy for my Father they discovered that he had been suffering from Lewy Bodies Dementia, additionally my dad suffered from Manic Depression. The two of them combined sent my dad into a mental whirl spin he couldn't control. They found liquor bottles in the apartment, fresh empty ones. My dad wrote us a note before he died.

"I was planning on doing this for 2 years nothing that could of been done to stop me.

I love you and I'm proud of you.

Love Dad, xxxxxooooo"

There was another page it was songs that he wanted us to listen to from an artist he loved.

Rufus Wrainright , "Poses" and "Graveyard"

My heart sank and I felt sick knowing all of this.

To be continued...