A Mother's Love

I know you're not going to believe this although sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. It was a cold day in February and Mom wasn't feeling well. She has been on oxygen for the last few years, as she has been suffering from COPD. Mom asked if I could come by because she had something for me. I hopped in my car and drove the 10 blocks to mom's house. When I got there she didn't get up from her spot at the table, she just yelled for me to come in and by the way she yelled I could tell she wasn't getting the oxygen she needed. I quickly went inside and asked if she was OK.

Mom looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “Honey I don't think I have much more time here. I'm dying”. “No mom, you're just tired.” I tried to reassure her. She stopped me before I could say anything else.” Honey, listen to me, I've lived a long time. I have had the love of my life. I have been blessed with not only children, but also with grandchildren and great grandchildren. I have seen my children married to the loves of their lives and watched them grow into adulthood. I have buried my soul mate. I am tired and I am ready to go be with him.” “I understand mom but we need you here”, I stated as her words started to sink in. I took another look at my mom. I could see clearly in the lines of her face and in the sadness in her eyes that she was tired. Not just sleepy but that bone weary tiredness that comes with all the experiences life throws at us. I knew she missed dad and had spent the last several years lonely. I knew that she found small amounts of joy in the shopping sprees she and I would take, or when the greats, her nickname for her great grandchildren, came to visit. All of the times her family was around her you could see the happiness. Looking back I could also see the sadness of the loss of her husband, the hole that was left by his passing. I could see now the shadow that loss had created and colored these years with.

I sat down at the table with mom and took her hand in mine. With a deep sadness in my heart I said “I love you mom.” “I know honey I have always known. I love you too.” She looked down at the table at the small black notebook that she always had with her. Her look drew my attention. I looked down my eyes watching her hands as she lovingly caressed the little black book. I remembered her with it always, writing something. Today however she wasn't writing. Today she was just sitting there caressing the book. I waited as the moments drew out like hours, just watching her. I released her hand only to rest it upon her shoulder as if to ask are you ok, but before the words had fully formed in my head she spoke. Her voice was soft and strained. The air became heavy with the emotions that radiated from her in waves thick and weighing. I listened, straining my ears to hear the words. “I'm sorry honey. I haven't been a very good mom, I failed.” I started to protest and she shushed me. “Just listen please. You are so much like your father you always have to speak, just listen.” I shut my mouth. “I have written some things in this book and I want you to read them after I'm gone. I want you to build a relationship with your siblings. I want you to love your husband with ferocity and I want you to embrace life and live it like today is your last day. Every day that you wake up I want you to thank God for the blessing.” She slid the notebook to me. I started to open it, but she put her hand on mine and said “no honey not now. Now I need you to be strong, I need you to call someone.” “Who I asked”, my thoughts on the notebook. “The ambulance sweetie. Have them come get me.” “Ok mom.” My brain jumped into survival mode and I grabbed the phone and dialed 911. I spoke to the lady that answered. “Mom is not getting enough oxygen. Yes her lips are bluish. Yes she looks ashen.” It seemed like forever before the ambulance arrived. They checked her vitals and put the cannula in her nose and helped her onto the gurney. They put her in the ambulance. I grabbed a bag and packed it with her slippers, a change of clothes, and the other necessities she would need for a short visit to the hospital. I threw her bag in my car. The notebook forgotten on the table. Waiting in the ER the doc comes in, “we are going to run some tests, get some x rays you know the drill.” “Ok doc.” I sat holding mom's hand. The nurses came and took her for tests and xrays. I waited. When she got back I held her hand. I waited for the doc. I looked at mom struggling to breathe lying there. When did she get old and frail she had always been so vibrant, so full of life. She was always the life of the party making people smile and laugh. Her laugh was infectious. “Hey mom” I said. “What honey?'' she responded. “I know you miss dad. If you want to go be with him I will be ok.” “I know you will honey, we will be watching out for all you kids. I love you. Say the lord's prayer with me.” Together we started “our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name.” We said the whole thing, her voice getting weaker. Her breathing was more labored. “Amen” we finished. I called my siblings and told them to come if they could. I video called my brother because he was too far away and let him talk to mom. I sat vigilant with mom through that night, late was the hour when my sister showed. I left the room to give her some time with mom. I went outside and made a couple calls, to let people know what was happening. I went back inside. “Thank you for being part of my dash mom said. I love you both.”

Mom passed away that day. My sister and I cleaned out her apartment and put everything into storage. My sister was devastated. I was numb. I did what needed to be done and stuffed all of the emotions away. I found the little black book on the table. It made me angry. I stuffed it in my purse and finished moving mom's stuff. We did all the things that go with the death of a loved one, the funeral, probate, finalized bills, dealt with insurance companies. We dealt with the 5 stages of grief. We went through all of her minimal amount of belongings. My siblings and I talk everyday. I love my husband fiercely. I wake with a prayer on my lips and gratitude in my heart. One day a year or so later I was chatting with my sister and mom came up. “Hey do you remember that notebook mom had?” my sister Ronnie said. “Yeah the little black one she always wrote in.” “Yep that's the one” Ronnie said “whatever happened to it?” “Oh I have it hold on I'll go get it.” Until today I never even thought about it. I opened it with reverence and a little sadness. Ronnie asked “Joey what has she been writing all these years?” The first page read. Here my beautiful children, I have written down all the times my heart was overflowing with love. I turned the page. Folded into the notebook pages were folded up dollar bills. I pulled it out and set it aside and read the day you were born Joey. I turned the page more bills and another note. The day you were born Ronnie. Next page morebills and a note the day you were born Nathaniel. As I slowly turned each page I found more bills and notes each note depicting not only a significant moment in each of our lives, but a moment filled with the brimming love of a mother. Throughout the years she had written dates and times when her heart was full and we were growing, living our lives. When we graduated or did something that filled her with love.When we each got married had children or learned to drive. All of these important events to her. When I finished with the notebook. A pile of money sat on the table and both my sister and I were crying. We never knew what she was writing and today we found out. I counted all the bills and all together it added up to 20,000 dollars.” Wow mom thank you.” At that moment the door flew open and in wafted the smell of flowers.I turned expecting to see her but no one was at the door.