A love that was once given now taken

It was the year 2004 when I had started a job at a government program way off southern north location across the river. It was a tense, but organized orientation that was pretty exciting for a government program. The people were dressed up and the weather was good and warm, pleasantly in the mid 78 degree season of the year.

As the building we enter was full, the process was very steady but quick and the schedules were out in no time preparing us for were we will be settled at to begin training. Scheduling and training were the most important highlight, but convientvto some.

When the following day began those that were picked were stationed to their location and were trained accordingly to their supervisors. The staff was very conversational, but there were some very observant. Of the most observances I occurred was a guy in the far off area of the building glaring between three people and was peeping towards my direction. Although it seemed no body was paying attention my eyes glanced and noticed it and stared off quickly. Far as the guy his view was pretty steady as the work flow continues.

It was going on the fourth day and the guy decided to approach me privately and spoke softly and placed his number in my open garment pockets to assure me how interested he was in me and that he desire me to go steady with him. Very consistent he was and wasn’t afraid to be opened about how he felt towards me. I was pretty nervous and wasn’t ready, but he was showing signs how impressive he was in me. So I spoke to my sister once I got off work and told her about this guy, she was very alarmed at how quickly he was interested and kept advising me to wait a moment for her to meet him.

It was the end of the week day going into the weekend and the guy asking for my number, so I gave in and gave it to him, then he ask if I was busy this weekend and I said no, so he decided if we should go out on a date. At first I was hesitan, but I took a chance and said yes.

As the weekend began the phone call from the guy ranged hurriedly and steady. I answered and his voice was pleasant and after our little conversation we met up and went to eat then this when he expressed how he felt about me and wanted to take it to the next level, so I immediately explain to him of us just slowing down a bit and take it slow. Well, so I ate my words on the past week or so, he came to my place and I didn’t pick up he was loaded and after fixing him food and wine we ended up in my bed room. So the next day came he left, but made plans to continue with us seeing one another. Ok we had sex couple times, until that one day it was raining really bad and my body wasn’t feeling too well and I had a horrible head ache and nose bled a bit. So I rested up a moment and I felt extremely tired and couldn’t do much. So I decide to get something for my achness and notice I didn’t come on my period so I picked up a pregnancy test just in case. So after the next day, I still wasn’t feeling ok. I began to drink a little ginger ale and started to feel a bit ok, the headache as mild instead of aching. So when I waited until after I took a good nap and woke up, I went to the bathroom and took the test and left the test in the bathroom and took another nap, as I woke up I almost forgot I had taken the test and went in the bathroom and read the instructions as well as the test, and by my surprise I was positive, but to be sure I called my sister who was a block from me. She came down and was surprised herself, but want to be sure too, so she looked at everything to verify and she was happy and wouldn’t leave and she helped me make doctors appointments real quick to see how far off I was within my early term. Talking about a happy aunty, lol!!

Well it was the following day when I had to let the guy know of what’s going on with me. The guy was pretty quiet, of course this was new to both of us and was tense. This is were the story hightens when we as women think the guy we was ok with will be ok with you being pregnant and his reactions will show.

It was a few days as I went back to work and the guy I was dealing with began to show he didn’t know me and yes my harmones began to react in a very crazy way, but emotional when the person that claim they liked you end up not knowing you. I was hurt, but I kept doing my job, but when I ask for help I had a hard time receiving it, so I had to work my body to were it wouldn’t harm the baby so i could get work and do it.

so when my appointment came, I had to wait a few more days for an ultra sound, so as the doctors checked me on my early term the physician notice I was bleeding not much but merely, he assured me that it was normal and only lasted for a day or two. As the doctor says normal, but what does it exactly mean to my body and myself unknowing what was going on.

So as the day ultra sound came, my sister and I went to the mall to sit for a moment or hanged around. We were pretty excited, but nervous for the most part of the journey.

Entering the hospital, finally, we located were to go for the ultra sound and once it was time to go in, the nurse gelled my belly to try to find the baby and didn’t see it, then it took a moment so she had to go viral and found the baby, but the excitement stopped when there was no heart beat. This was all new to me and didn’t know what it meant.

The nurse was very hesitant to speak on it and ask to call the doctor about the test which left me confused, but emotional distress on what was going on. So as I left the hospital, my sister was very quiet, but was crying herself because she didn’t know what was going on until I called the doctor and the doctor implied the baby stopped growing seven weeks, but ended close to weeks of its life cycle. So as I was hearing it, my sister over heard and was extremely disapointed as well as myself, I was in deep depression and denial and went to three hospitals to confirm, and all said the same. So I accepted and went to go do the DNC and after the procedure, I wasn’t myself. I was angry, hurt and just hormonal broken as a woman. Oh and the guy I dealt with stopped talking to me and our relationship went left. So after healing and going to therapy I gathered myself together and just kept pushing through the pain.

It was a good couple months that the guy I dealt with finally spoke to me and acted like nothing happened, so as the programmed ended I decided to end us and moved forward and disconnect myself from him, friend wise we ok, but everything else I had to push ahead.

that was seventeen years ago and my baby, if lived would have been that age now.

I grieved about that memory for a long time, and hate when Mother’s Day approach, because I yearn for my little angel when I felt I was pregnant I start singing to my unborn and just try to slowly build a relationship while the baby is inside of me when things hit left with the father.

I hadn’t been in a stable relationship since then, as well as trying to have another one. Maybe it’s because of what I went through with whom I was with and the pain of feeling alone and getting older as well as my tolerance level is pretty slim.

One thing I know, is that no matter how many times I cry, my heart is still in love with my Angel and that Angel will always be in my heart no matter who I will be with or if one day I will have a complete full term pregnancy into conceiving a live baby, my main one will be the one that taught me my worth and that I can love without being punish for someone’s mishaps.

To every single woman who had experience this and seems like your losing, GOD hears you and his timing is worth it and it will be unexpected.

The end