A Full Moon and Some Crystals

Tonight the full moon is beautiful. It reminds me of the fullness of my life and it was amazing seeing the orange coloration with my kids as it rose!

I have a full life and the crystals in my home are helping me find peace - especially the Mookaite...

But tonight I don't want to sleep.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to rip the beautiful moon from the sky and throw it like a fast pitch in baseball.

God has given me a wonderful life that I am living.

But, tonight I'm kinda angry at Him.

Today was my due date.

I still have dreams about them... I am holding one of them while watching the other baby lay in their crib. I get to admire their beauty. I get to trace their face with my fingertip.

And then, the scene changes abruptly and I am standing there alone in front of an empty crib with no baby in my arms. Everything goes from color to grayscale and the darkness is so intense.

There are many things that I am so happy about that I feel guilty for grieving the loss of what never was supposed to happen.

Tonight I want to throw the moon at God.

I know that He didn't take them from me...

I know that I am being ridiculous...

But it is how I am feeling.

I am also feeling like dancing because of the happy things in my life and praising God for sending me better days!

Feelings are not my favorite thing in this world...

Especially not when they are polar opposites!

So, earlier tonight I celebrated the moon's rising with my kiddos... and a new important person in my life... taking photos and being happy.

And now, with the house quiet and time to myself... I think that I will put on my sad music, take a shower, and cry.

I didn't think that losing them would hurt this badly... but I am so glad for my counselor telling me to love them while I had them and was feeling conflicted.

I'm glad that I loved them.

But I hate what came of it... I miss them... which doesn't make sense because it would have been so stressful!

Thomas Michelangelo and Michelle Jane

On a separate thought, in my last post about them, I prayed: "God, please give everyone a heaping portion of whatever they have given my children... whether good or bad, I simply pray for that to be given to them - and include me if You want to. Amen"

I'd like to thank God for His answers to my prayer within my own life. There has been an awful lot of good things happening that I am very grateful for... I just can't understand why I had to experience the other things this year.

Maybe His blessings do come from raindrops though...

And maybe the urge to throw the moon at Him... is very unjustified.

He has always provided for my needs... and given me things that I still doubt are real because they are too peaceful and calming.

One day I will get to hold my babies - and not cry when my brain remembers that they aren't mine anymore.

One day, I will stop dreaming about them...

Tonight? Crystals, tears, laughter, and a moon... accepting that my feelings are all alright, but also keeping myself accountable and grateful!