A Fine Life

A Fine Life

By: Mary McCarthy

Maggie knew it was time. It had been time for a while. Then again, who can really put a timeline on grief? The big stuff had been dealt with. The only things left were a few boxes filled with old pictures, miscellaneous documents, and other random belongings of Mom. The sum of the 76 years of her life, reduced to a few boxes.

Seeing pictures of her mom as a young woman in nursing school, Maggie imagined what kind of person her mom was back then. Was she happy then? (Was she happy ever?) Maggie knew she struggled. Her mom had her demons. Generational ‘gifts’ of trauma that she inherited from her mother and passed on to her own children. That was her legacy. Well, that and debt. Mom was notoriously bad with money. Both of her parents were. Whatever. Their debts died with them, thank God. Good life lesson, the less you have the less you have to lose. So be it. Maggie never expected anything different. Life isn’t always fair. Then again, fairness is not a promise made by this world. It’s okay though, for what Maggie lacked in financial prosperity, she more than made up for in the realm of survival skills. She was built for real life. She was doing just fine. Fine… what does that even mean?

So many pictures. Most are of relatives she didn’t even recognize. That’s how it is when your family are the black sheep. The only time she saw these people were at weddings and funerals. She wouldn’t know these people if she fell over them now. It’s okay though, for what Maggie lacked in family connection and support, she more than made up for it with good friends. Friends are family by choice. She was doing just fine.

It didn’t all suck. Her siblings were good about reminding her of that. There were fun times, too. Memories of long car rides to find roadside carnivals and polka festivals. Family vacations in the White Mountains of NH. The drive-in movies in the station wagon. Nothing like going to the drive-in movies in your footie pajamas stuffing your face with junk food and popcorn. It didn’t even matter what movies were playing. We’d all be passed out by the end of the first movie anyways. Yep, it didn’t all suck (until it did.)

Ancient history, right? Or, was it? Just when it seemed she was in the clear, that her issues had been dealt with, some little life episode would remind Maggie that, indeed, there was still work to be done. And, she was committed to doing that inside work. Even at an early age, it was somehow etched in her mind that life could be beautiful! It was this belief that helped her survive to adulthood, only to be pulled back into the madness once her father had passed and it fell upon Maggie to care for her ailing mother. It was hard. How do you care for a parent who didn’t care very well for their own children? Ten years this demanding caretaking went on. Even in hospice, it was looking like she’d never die.

Funny thing though, Mom was an amazing nurse. So many people came up to Maggie and her siblings at the funeral to tell them how great Mom was in taking care of their parents at the nursing home where she worked for 27 years. Maggie had conversations with her mom about what it was like being a geriatric nurse, knowing your patients were there until they died. And, what a blessing it was to be able to be at the side of these people she had gotten to know so well, to be there when they left this world. What Mom lacked in parenting skills, she more than made up for it in her nursing skills. Maggie often wished she had been on the receiving end of the love and compassion that her mother’s patients received. In a weird way though, she did. Maggie, herself, was a very loving and compassionate person, so somewhere along the way she did pick up on that part of her mom. It didn’t all suck.

Shake it off, Maggie… Keep moving through these boxes. Just get it done. Great, more Jesus and the Blessed Mary statues. It feels wrong to toss them. Where does one even donate such things to? This is Hell.

Her mom must have been starting to suffer from dementia sooner than she thought. Finding old documents, like her dad’s military discharge papers and his social security card in a plastic grocery store bag. Really? Oh! Here we go! The bag of losing scratch lottery tickets. The woman couldn’t organize her tax receipts, but could categorize her losing lottery tickets. Good Lord. How far back did these even go? She’d save the bag. If one of her siblings wanted to go through to make sure they’re all losing tickets, they could have at it. Maggie was moving on.

Last box. More pictures of people she didn’t recognize. Cool old black and white photos though. Maggie decided to keep them. It’s a shame to just toss them. Maybe there was an art project in the making here. Finally done, so she thought. As Maggie was breaking down the final box, something dropped to the ground. It was a little black address book. The book was stuffed with cut out articles, fortunes from fortune cookies, bookmarks, along with other odds and ends. How did all this fit? Wait, what’s this? It was an unscratched lottery ticket. There’s no way her mom mistakenly missed this. The woman lived for scratch tickets. Nope. She must have been saving this for some reason. Welp! Might as well scratch it. Not that she had any expectations. Maggie never did share her mom’s love of all things lottery and bingo. A waste of time and money, in Maggie’s opinion.

One by one, Maggie scratched off each number. It was looking like what she was expecting… a whole lot of nothing. Whoa, hold on. Is this for real? Maggie couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Did she just win what she thinks she did? Is this ticket really a $20,000 winner? Stunned and unsure whether to believe what she was seeing with her own eyes, Maggie knew she’d need to get this verified. No way this could be for real. Her mind must be playing tricks on her. Just like every other time Maggie thought something really great was happening for her and life, with its twisted sense of humor, took it away. Nope. This was too good to be true. There was no point in telling anyone just yet.

Mom liked to get her lottery tickets from a particular local store. So, off Maggie went to see if this ticket was for real. A line of people, of course there was. She couldn’t come back later, as Maggie was heading out of state that night, so she waited. It felt like forever. Then, finally, it was Maggie’s turn at the register. She handed the cashier the ticket, who barely even looked at it. Low and behold, it was indeed a $20,000 winner! Maggie and the cashier just stood there looking at one another completely stunned. No one else was in the store. The cashier showed more excitement that Maggie could muster. It’s for real? IT’S FOR REAL!

And, just like that, the floodgates that had been holding back every single tear of every single year finally buckled and broke wide open. It was time. It had been time for a while (a very long while.) And, in that moment of breakthrough of crying the hard tears and feeling ALL the feels (so many feels), she knew she was going to be just fine.