A Dream and a Little Black Book

She sat in the window, the sun warm upon her face, as memory after memory danced through her head. Every so often a smile turned the corners of her mouth, as the tears flowed in what seemed like a never-ending sad spring rain, down her cheeks to fall silently off her chin, this signaled the next tear to begin the same journey again and again.

She wondered at the nature of it all. How could she feel such deep pain and still smile? How could she feel so empty and alone and so warm and loved at the same time? Would it always feel like this? After all, her grandma was not coming back. Time had taken her to a better place, or so they say...

What would grandma say to her now? Would she find the words to comfort her, as she had throughout the years? Would she have wiped away her tears and softly rubbed her back until she fell asleep? She wondered about this, as her burning eyes found comfort behind her swollen lids, she drifted off to sleep wrapped in her grandma's memory, as if it were her comforter.

Someone took her hand and to her surprise she found she was looking into her grandma's eyes. Those eyes sparkled as grandma lead her on a hunt, for what she did not know. "Tell me quickly grandma, what are we looking for?" Then grandma whispered softly, " A little black book with a worn moleskin cover, and on it's pages, stains of many tears. Keep looking for it honey, it has to be here".

Waking from her nap and realizing it was just a dream left her feeling melancholy and a bit confused. The lump in her throat, that had become the the norm, felt as if she swallowed a tennis ball. She somehow managed to hold back the onslaught of tears that begged to be let go. After all, she was a big girl now. and she had a job to do. This was her grandma she was to sort and pack away, and she thought it would break her heart. "Oh, what does it matter, it was broken anyway" she heard herself say.

She hadn't had an appetite and now her stomach felt as hollow as an old drained well. She ate a quick lunch, which she found very hard to swallow, then she grabbed a box from the pantry and set about removing treasures her grandma had hung throughout the years, placing each in a cold cardboard box, she found herself thinking of the little black book!

How silly she thought, it was only a dream! "Stop looking for that thing!" she said aloud, as if she needed to actually hear it being said to make it a reality. She taped the box up as safe as could be and with a marker wrote "Grandma's kitchen walls" Fragile! She hadn't noticed the sun had gone down, aware that she had lost track of time, she looked toward the wall where her grandma's clock had hung for so many years, only there was just a memory there. The bright yellow of the unexposed paint from where it hung, left a stark imprint of what had been. The reality of this almost brought her to her knees, as the pain came flooding from a place ever so deep within.

To her, it seemed as if she was standing apart from herself and watching as she cried out to God, without a care that the kitchen windows were open and someone might hear! "Lord why?" "Why did you take my best friend?" "Tell me Lord, who is going to be there and love me unconditionally, and wipe away my tears and tell me when I am wrong, that I should change my ways?" She had never felt so empty, so all alone. She could taste the salt of her tears flowing down her face, as she begged God to answer her! "Don't you understand Lord, what you have done?" "Or do you even care?" Her body shook with each and every sob as she replayed every memory they had ever shared.

When her sobs softened and her cheeks felt sticky wet, her arms felt so heavy, as if she had been in the fight of her life and her body felt as if she had lost that fight, grandma's tub was so inviting. The warm water eased her sore muscles. As her thoughts slowed, it crossed her mind, if I were a little black book, where would grandma have put me? This brought her to attention! Giving her pause to ponder the thought for quick minute. "Oh come on, come to your senses, you know there is no little black book!" Are you loosing your mind?" She said out loud and then thought to herself, you must be, your talking to absolutely no-one!

It took all that she had to get herself dried off and ready for bed. As she entered her grandma's bedroom, she could sense her all around. She thought of the many nights they had cuddled together, as she climbed between the sheets she found comfort in the familiar scent of her grandma. She never even felt her head hit the pillow, when suddenly, someone held her hand!

It was a familiar hand, a hand that had held hers so many times throughout her life. When she looked into her grandma's eyes, there was no need for words, as the unspoken communication between them was completely understood. The next thing she knew, they were searching, just as they had before. It seemed such a short time when it was time for grandma to go, "keep looking for it honey, it has got to be here", was all that she said.

She woke in the morning with that little black book on her mind. Thinking how odd it was, to have the same dream every time. She began to wonder if it meant anything? As she swung around and her feet hit the floor, she thought surely grandma would have told her if there was really a little black book, and with that she entered the kitchen. She was met by the familiar smell of fresh hot coffee, she smiled, thankful she had set the timer the night before. Sipping her coffee, she contemplated the day ahead, she knew it was not going to be easy and heard herself say "well you better get started as hard as it is!"

She sorted and packed through the day until she was physically and emotionally exhausted. Then she sat at the window sipping hot soup from grandma's favorite cup. This had always been her favorite spot, my how she would miss it. The sun must have helped her relax because she drifted off to sleep, and the next thing she knew she was having the same dream, again, exactly as before, only this time as soon as grandma told her to keep looking, that it had to be here, she woke with a start!

She was so shook, she could feel every beat of her heart as she thought to herself, that maybe, just maybe, grandma was trying to tell her something. After all, she had the dream again, and it was exactly the same! As she sorted and packed the rest of the house she tried not to entertain the idea of the little black book, or admit, even to herself, that she hoped she would find it.

It seemed like the longest day of her life as she picked out one of grandma's softest nightgowns to sleep in, the feel of the clean soft flannel against her skin allowed her to feel close to grandma as she crawled into bed. She had just closed her eyes when she found grandma was there, she was holding her hand!

As she woke in the morning, she thought she heard grandma whisper "keep looking for it honey, it has got to be here!" she found herself speaking aloud as if grandma were there "I know grandma, but I just don't know were!" This made her giggle. Yep, she thought I'm loosing it, I am loosing my mind! Talking to myself and worse, I can' keep my mind off that little black book! Her logical mind said there was no way it could be, but her heart truly hoped that it was!

It was then, that it just popped in her head, her grandma's Hope Chest! The one that had sat at the end of her bed since she could remember. She always wondered what was in that chest, when she asked grandma over the years she was told that chest held many tears, most of them happy and some of them sad, and that when she was older the two of them would share what it held. But grandma had left before they had shared the contents of the chest, and since then she had not given it much thought, not until now!

Suddenly so excited, she bolted out of bed, and before she knew it she was sitting Indian style at the foot of the bed, staring at her grandma's Hope Chest. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then she opened the chest and peered inside, and in there she found all the memories her grandma held dear! There where pictures of Grandma and Grandpa on their wedding day, looking so young and grandma so pretty. And pictures of her mom as she grew, she marveled at how she looked just like her. There was her first tooth that she ever lost, with a lock of her hair in a small box. She laughed and she cried, she couldn't beleive her grandma had kept every picture she ever drew, that had once hung on the front her fridge.

Then she saw it! It was there in the corner, a little black book with a worn moleskin cover. She reached for it slowly, hardly believing her eyes! Her hands shook as she opened it, she could see it had many stains of tears on it's pages, from cover to cover! When she stood the tingling and numbness of her legs made it hard to walk. How long had I sat there, she thought? Her legs struggled to carry her as she found her way to the bed, she opened to the first page, and read...

"To my darling Granddaughter, each page of this book is a memory we shared, and when I am gone, you will find me here! Just open this book, we are never apart, because each pf these memories, keep me alive in your heart". The tears flowed freely down her face and fell from her chin to mix with the stains of many tears on the pages as she continued to read every blurred word, "Now wipe your tears and look in the back, there is something special there. I would give you more, if only I could, to help you make your way in the world"

I love you always,

Grandma.

With trembling hands she opened to the back of the book, and there folded neatly, was the deed to grandma's house, signed over to her, and with it a check made out in her name, she ran her fingers over her grandma's signature, and noticed the amount read $20,000.00! It was then she understood why, the little black book made from worn moleskin covers had stains of many tears on it's pages! And she marveled at how tears of her own flowed, some happy, some sad, as they landed to mix with grandma's, with a splash on the pages!