5 Reasons Teens Lie to Their Parents

Many parents have experienced it at some time or other: teenagers who lie, and the loss of trust that results, and they can find it difficult to cope with. Lying is a common occurrence, but there are clear, and obscure, reasons why teens do lie. Understanding those reasons could foster a better relationship between teens and parents; one that would reduce the need for any lies.

Teens lie mainly through FEAR, which stems from five main reasons:

1. Fear of the consequences of telling the truth, and parental reaction.


Many teens might wish to tell the truth but they know that, if they have done something their parent won't agree with, or have warned them about, the parent will not be too happy. They fear what could happen in the process: perhaps loss of privileges, loss of time to do what they like, loss of face, or worst still, the physical consequences if they are in an abusive household. In this instance they would be lying to prevent their parent getting 'mad'. They mistakenly believe that lying is the simplest way to get out of any predicament, until they are found out, and discover otherwise. This kind of lie is most common in households where teens are not allowed to make mistakes, or to be true to themselves.

2. Fear of losing face


Many teens, especially in larger households with siblings, fear losing face or being made to look 'stupid' compared to their brother, sister, or friends. They lie instead to appear smarter, or better, and to keep their 'respect', especially among their peers. This often happens in competitive households, either for their own feeling of comfort, or to create mischief for others.

3. A belief that they cannot trust their parent to tell them the truth


Some teens fear to tell the truth where trust has broken down, especially when they might have told the truth in the past and it was used against them later on. They do not feel they can share their innermost thoughts with their parents, and, most significant, the values of the parents, or the strictness of the household, prevents them revealing their true activities or feelings. This kind of lie is most common where teens are treated like children, instead of young adults, and where parental expectations appear to be different, or disparate, from those of the teen.

4. Ambiguity in parental reaction


Without realising it, many parents often behave ambiguously towards their teen by punishing them when they tell the truth (especially one the parent doesn't like to hear) but doesn't recognise when the teen has told a lie. Soon the teen realises that it is safer and more rewarding to tell lies. No matter how bad the truth is, encouraging that truth while weaning the teen off that behaviour is always best, rather than punishing them for being honest. All that will happen afterwards is that they tell lies to avoid annoying the parent or losing their affection and love.

5. Failing to cope with 'unreasonable' rules


These rules might make them lose face with their friends, exclude them from their friendship circle, stop them seeing the people they like, or pursue wholesome activities that parents might not like (like social networking, music etc.). Friends matter most at this time of their life when theya are trying to find themselves, and make the transition from child to adult. If teens are made to behave too differently from their friends, it is likely to make them feel isolated and excluded, especially as their primary need is to 'belong' at this age. Teens often lie to cover up such activities.

Tips For Coping With Lying

When a teen lies, the first thing one needs to do is to discuss why he/she felt the need to lie. Teens must always be encouraged to tell the truth, no matter what. The moment a parent gets mad at their child for telling the truth, he/she will lie instead to evade the wrath. The last thing teens wish to do is to upset their parents, unless they are being rebellious, and so will avoid that whenever they can. By finding out the reason for lying, discussing it thoroughly and compromising, if necessary, parents can eliminate that excuse for the future.

Second, point out the consequences of lying for them, mainly a loss of trust, as it is difficult to believe whatever they tell you in the future. For that reason, increase their supervision by reducing their privileges, and emphasising that renewed trust has to be earned by them. Furthermore, resist the temptation to punish them when they tell a truth you don't like. Reprimand them for their behaviour, but always praise them for being open, honest and truthful. In effect, you would be making the benefits of being truthful far more rewarding to them than for lying.

Third, if a teen is capable of holding down a job and doing adult tasks, they shouldn't be treated like children. Match their level of freedom with the responsibilities they have. That will reduce their need to lie about the reason for not coming home at a set time, for example, when they could stay out longer as an adult without being anxious about it. The best rules are the ones that the teen has a hand in making, that give them ownership of their actions, that he/she has willingly accepted, and can see the reasoning, benefits, and logic for adhering to them. It cuts down a lot of unnecessary teen angst and family conflict.

There is no such thing as a perfect teen, so give teens some slack, work with them on their fears, and reward the truth at all times, even if you would rather not hear it. That will boost their confidence and trust to be always honest with you and, best of all, to be honest with themselves.

RELATED BOOK: Key Tips for Confident Parenting of Teens

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