4 Types of Gaslighting in a Family

You’re so dramatic.

That never even happened.

You’re overly emotional.

If you have heard people say things like "you have a vivid imagination," or "you're just blowing this out of proportion," then they are trying to gaslight you. These phrases are hinting that everything you think is wrong and they do not believe the amazing thing happened to you because the person issuing the statements doesn't see it as something incredible.

In the 1944 film "Gaslight," a husband uses a form of psychological abuse called gaslighting to get his wife to question her sanity. Although the term "gaslighting" had not yet been coined, this was an important first step towards its use in modern day discourse. If you're unfamiliar with it-it's when someone tricks someone else into thinking they're doing something. The film, Paula, follows a woman who is being emotionally manipulated by her abusive husband. Gregory is adamant that the weird things happening in Paula's house are all in her head. He denies them and insists she needs to get over it or just stop paying attention to such insignificant things as evidence of something happening around her.

Agents of Gaslighting become more & more common. The term is most commonly used to describe one person treating another this way, usually in romantic relationships. Gaslighting is a tactic used to create doubt in someone’s mind, often through insinuation. It can cause a person to lose their grip on reality and diminish their trust in themselves and their experiences.

But, what happens if a child is gaslighted by their family? Receiving it as a vulnerable child can make it more powerful, more lasting, and harder to see.

Gaslighting in a Family

Parents may talk about things from when you were a child, which may seem strange to you, but is important for the person you are today. Sometimes your parents might tell you false information about yourself, which adds to the confusion. The reality is you're experiencing mixed emotions because of this and it's not necessarily because of anything wrong with you.

Often when you feel like someone is trying to fake or deceive you, it's important to take a step back and evaluate what's going on. When embracing gaslighting, one can spawn such delusions that it becomes hard for them to realize what is happening.

4 Types of Gaslighting in a Family

1. The Double Bind Family

Parenting posts can often be tricky and parents should make sure to send only encouraging messages, so their children will excel. It's tough when parents say one thing and do another. It may mean that they have so much gaslighting going on, or they're just really good liars. You never know what their true intentions are until you open their mouth and see what comes out. When you are loved and rejected in the same breath, nothing seems real. Research shows a strong connection between double binds and the development of borderline personality disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, and schizophrenia.

The Message: You cannot trust yourself or others.

The Impact in Adulthood: It’s difficult to take other people at their word and feel safe in your relationships. You can’t rely on anyone, including yourself.

2. The Unpredictable and Unstable Family

One day, your parent may allow you to go to your friend’s house, but the next day they scold you for asking. This category is tied closely to a parent (or parents) with serious mental health conditions. For example, they may be sober for a period of time and then fall off the wagon, or they may exhibit mania and then fall into depression. You witness back-and-forth behaviors and emotions with varying rules and consequences that don’t make sense.

The Message: Anything can happen. Things are out of control.

The Impact in Adulthood: You believe people are a mystery and it’s impossible to make sense of others. You view your emotions as bad and have trouble managing them. It’s very hard to trust anyone because you believe people are, at their core, radically unreliable.

3. The Picture-Perfect Family

Growing up in this type of family, there is no room for mistakes, negative emotions, or weaknesses. Only the ideal image is presented to the world and everything true, authentic, or vulnerable is shoved deep down for no one to see. These parents place an emphasis on achievement and strive to be admired and envied by others.