Threesomes and Infidelity

Dear Salty Vixen: For my longtime boyfriend's 30th birthday I had a threesome with him and a women he works with. The during was mostly him and I and her and I, but since that night he has come home later and later each night and he spends more time on the phone and less time talking to me.

I can't help but feel at fault for what might be going on. I wanted to be included in his fantasy but now it seems that I am no longer a part of it.

Am I being paranoid or did I give him roundabout permission to be unfaithful with this women? -Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

[I need to start making up clever names for people who write in ^_~]

Anon hunny, this is not your fault. I just wanted to say that first off, just in case you thought it was.

Arranging a threesome for your boyfriend's birthday was a very brave and sweet thing to do (assuming he'd been aching for a three-way). There aren't a lot of women who would have done the same in your position.

It perhaps wasn't a very good idea to invite a woman from his workplace though, because in most cases dual relationships (in this case, co-worker who is now also a sex partner) can result in problems for the parties involved. When choosing a third, it's best to go for someone new and neutral.

However, in answer to the second part of your question, you organizing a threesome is not an open invitation for him to sleep with other women.

When planning a threesome, it is extremely important to talk to your partner (and the guest) to lay down some rules and to make sure that things don't go further than anyone is comfortable with (before or after the event).

For example, you need to decide in advance how far your partner is allowed to go with the newcomer - is penetration allowed? is oral sex allowed? Kissing?

These are all things that need to be decided on in advance - but it's also important to understand that things might change during the sex.

Maybe you said you would feel comfortable with your partner kissing the other person, but once you get going, you change your mind - that's perfectly alright. But, it's better to speak up right away than going along with it at the time and feeling upset about it later.

However, you also don't want to shut out your guest, the idea is for everyone to have some fun and be sexually satisfied.

For this reason, you might also want to establish a signal for someone to use if they feel like they are being left out (maybe jumping up and down waving your arms - "you forgot me! you forgot me!"), if they are uncomfortable, or if they feel like they need to stop.

So clearly threesomes involve an awfully delicate balance of the complex feelings of everyone involved.

With all that in mind, it's no wonder that you are having some worries about your boyfriend's fidelity now.

However, there's nothing you or I can do from this vantage point, except speculate.

For example, has he been unfaithful to you in the past? Because statistically, someone who has cheated on a lover once, is more likely to cheat on that same lover again.

So, in answer to the first part of your question - I don't know if you are being paranoid or not. Maybe he's got a perfectly legit reason for coming home late from work, maybe he doesn't...

The only thing you can really do is talk to him about it. Talk about the threesome, mention how much you enjoyed it (assuming you did), ask him how he liked it, ask if he's heard anything from his co-worker about it.

If you're worried that he might be cheating on you, ask him.

Tell him how you're worried about him coming home later and how you hope it doesn't have anything to do with the threesome.

Tell him that if he's thinking about getting involved with other women, that you at least want to know about it, if not be included in it or that this is not okay with you at all.

A threesome won't tear down a healthy relationship, but it can destroy a weak one faster than time alone... Which is why you have to be careful when, how, and to whom you suggest them.

Good luck anonymous, I hope you sit down and talk to you boyfriend soon.

Love, Salty Vixen

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