The First Days of College: Thoughts...

"Buckle up your seat belts, please."

I took a deep breath and looked through the window. The planes were taking off one by one. It seemed as if they were going towards a better life, better future. That is where I thought my plane was going as well...

1 AM. We finally landed, exhausted and confused. Why do I feel so lonely now? Where am I and how did I get here? Could I go back into yesterday?

10 AM. I woke up feeling shattered. I escaped into the US, thinking a better life was awaiting me while I left my perfectly good life behind. I had it all, a good apartment, friends, and a boyfriend. Life seemed so perfect in the summer, but it was time to wake up and face the reality of my new life.

12 PM. My new roommate seemed really fake. Fake smiles, fake friends that she would greet face to face and then tell me all the horrible things about them behind their backs. Not knowing anybody else was really depressing.

5 PM. A first college party. Just a bunch of intoxicated teenagers dancing around like there is no tomorrow. I went home in despair. Nothing seemed familiar and no one seemed to care. Why would they? I am a stranger, an immigrant, an outsider...

2 AM. I cannot sleep. It is 8 AM back home but no one is responding to my texts. It was like leaving the country meant burning bridges with everyone I have ever known. Depression was overwhelming. I never knew I could cry that much.

7 AM. I am still awake. It is Saturday so I do not think it really matters.

9 AM. My roommate is awake and wants to get coffee. I barely keep my head up the whole way there. She asked a lot of questions but never really seemed to be interested in answers. She kept her head in her phone, ignoring me and everything that was happening around.

3 PM. They said the first few weeks will be the hardest. Well, I am ready to pack my bags and go back home. I don't belong...

7 PM. A friend back from home texted and my eyes lit up... Still no word from my boyfriend. Why would he say he loved me if he did not mean it? Dining with my roommate was unbearable. Always on her phone, never listening to a word I say. Are we supposed to be friends?

3 AM. I still cannot sleep...

8 AM. I did not have headaches for a long time... Everything seemed so dark even though it was sunny outside. Tomorrow's Monday and I don't think my mental health could handle meeting more people and smiling through pain as if I am actually happy to meet them.

11 AM. I always had depression, but this was something different, like a new level. I never knew that missing home was so hard... I am still in bed and I cannot make myself get up... I feel incredibly weak.

4 PM. Is it just me? Is everybody actually happy and I am the problem? Why do I feel so terrible when I should feel ecstatic?

10 PM. I don't know how to fall asleep...

12 PM. Monday is almost over, and there is one more class left today. The day was a blur and I am starting to have suicidal thoughts... Everyone turned around when I walked in... They knew who I was and where I was from. I did not know whether them staring was a positive thing. Their eyes followed my every move. I sat down and all the people were coming up and sitting next to me. There were no girls so I felt a little intimidated... Everyone wanted to know me. Everyone wanted to be my friend. Is it because I am foreign? Is it because I am a girl?

2 PM. Several lunch offers, and no acceptance on my part. My social anxiety makes it hard to socialize with others.

7 PM. I spotted some of the people I met in my last class move towards my table in the school cafeteria. I looked up and smiled. They sat down and as if my whole world turned upside down, I started making new friends and didn't feel as lonely as I was ten minutes ago...