The art of the effective communication.

when you speak your voice is your most

important tool fortunately you can learn

to use your voice like playing a musical

instrument to increase your power and

persuasiveness in any conversation or

speech that you give

all successful people are excellent

communicators in fact the work at

Harvard University on multiple

intelligences concluded that social

intelligence the ability to interact

well with others is the highest paid and

most respected intelligence in our

society

so how do you communicate more

effectively with others

now the first one is a profound

communication principle that comes from

the book The Four Agreements by Don

Miguel Ruiz and if you haven't read that

book I highly recommend it in The First

Agreement he teaches in the book is be

impeccable with your word

and what that means is to speak with

Integrity which means to say what you

mean and mean what you say

now as I just mentioned words have the

power to create or destroy and a

careless comment can alter a

relationship forever so it's a good idea

to choose your words carefully and

consider their impact before you put

them out there in the world

so before you speak or write I want you

to ask yourself these four questions is

it necessary

is it true

is it kind

and is it helpful if you don't get yeses

to those questions then don't say it you

know when you say frivolous untrue mean

or unhelpful things it doesn't create a

sense of trust or Connection in the

other person you're communicating with

and by the way the same guideline also

goes for the words you say to yourself

one of the things I observe is simply

this a lot of people are very careless

with their language I mean the words you

use either lift up your energy the words

you use either make you more creative or

the words you use deny your talents the

words you use could reduce your energy I

mean words have destroyed Nations I mean

think about the great dictators they're

words of hatred

their words of toxicity

their words of breakdown cause the

people around them to do sometimes

incredibly terrifying acts and then you

look at people like a Nelson Mandela or

Martin Luther King Jr or Mother Teresa

you look at the great business Builders

you look at humanitarians you look at a

lot of the great artists and they were

so careful with their words and their

words lifted people up and that's really

what great leaders do they use the

language of leadership

you look at a victim and they say things

like

this is a problem I've got a problem

right here or I'm really scared about

this or I hate that client or I hate

this work or I'm sick of this day or I'm

exhausted or I don't like that or she

never likes me it's literally the

language of toxicity

and the words you use really are like a

context or a framework or a stained

glass window on the way you see the

world I mean here's a game-changing

Insight you see the world not as it is

you see the world as you are you see the

world through a lens and your language

forms that lens of belief and I see this

everywhere someone very close to me who

was a little sloppy with her languaging

said oh I forgot to do this it's not on

my to-do list I should punch myself in

the face if you say that every day

what's that doing to your self-esteem if

you say that over a lifetime what's that

doing to your self-identity and as you

know your income is a function of your

self-identity and your performance is a

reflection of your personal story and

the way you build your self-architecture

and the way you see yourself in the

world is in part through your words

you're never going to rise any higher in

terms of your impact in the world than

the way you see yourself if you see

yourself as average well you're not

going to read the books go to the events

do the study put in the training time

find the mentors do the work to rise to

world class because you're running an

interior psychological story that says

you're average and the a players are

somehow different from you if deep down

inside you're coming from scarcity and

you think you know what I'll never have

more than the salary that I'm making

because of the story that you have

through the words you've used well then

you're not going to go out there and ask

for the big order you're not going to go

start the big business you're not going

to read the books on financial Mastery

Because deep inside you would say what

would be the point I'm not one of those

people and if you want to rewire

yourself identity

so you go out in the world and you're

literally operating at legendary then

you absolutely must dial into this first

point of what legendary leaders do in

terms of the way they speak which is get

your Precision of languaging right

because like I say the great leaders how

do they transform Humanity it was

through their words how did the Great

military generals get their armies to go

out there on fire it was through their

words so calibrate your languaging sir

your words to yourself are world class

and also the words you use to your team

to your customers to your loved ones so

incredibly important if you look at the

95 card carrying members of The Cult of

mediocrity they're so sloppy with their

languaging don't be silly I hate that

customer this job is going to make me

sick and they repeat it over and over

and then they wonder why they have an

illness 10 or 15 years down the road

and this leads me to the next

communication skill that's probably the

most critical skill for everyone on the

planet to master and that is the skill

of effective listening now the

undeniable truth is that so many of us

are terrible listeners we pretend we're

listening but we're really just thinking

about what we're going to say next we're

rehearsing we're so worried about

getting our point across we pay very

little attention to what the other

person is trying to say

and there can never be effective

communication without both parties being

as focused on the listening part as they

are in the speaking part

because if you aren't really listening

and responding to what the other person

is actually saying ultimately all you're

really doing is having a conversation

with yourself

now here's an invaluable tip whenever

you're having an important conversation

could be with your spouse or your

partner with a child with an employee or

a customer or someone on the other side

of the political divide let them go

first don't interrupt them and argue

with them let them empty themselves out

first remember this you can't pour water

into a full glass you have to let the

water out before you can have more put

in instead really listen to their point

of view be curious how is it that

they've come to feel this way to have

this point of view what is it that they

are needing you to hear

now this takes a commitment to really

want to know what the other person is

experiencing and needing and I can tell

you from my experiences having worked

with couples corporate teams and diverse

Community groups it takes time for

people to really feel they've been heard

but if you invest the time and the

intention to do that they will then be

ready to hear you and what you're

experiencing what you're needing and

what you're wanting and by the way a

really great technique you can use to

facilitate and practice this kind of

listening is a Technique we call a heart

talk now in a hard talk whether it's

between two people like a husband and

wife or a group of people sitting in a

circle at a staff meeting the person who

is speaking holds a physical object like

a ball or a stuffed animal or a water

bottle and talks for as long as they

need to about the topic at hand without

anyone interrupting them disagreeing

with them or stealing the focus until

that person is totally complete with

whatever they want to say and then the

person passes the object to the other

person or to the next person in the

group

and let me say one more thing about when

in doubt check it out sometimes when

you've done your best to listen closely

to someone you may not have heard

exactly what it was they were trying to

say

and that's why it's so important for you

to double check and make sure you really

understood them correctly and the

easiest way to do that is before you

speak to say so what I'm hearing you say

is and then repeat back to them what you

think they were saying what they meant

to say and then give them the

opportunity to clarify any

misunderstandings that you might have

before you respond to them so it's

always best to make sure you're really

responding to what they're really saying

instead of what you think they're saying

number three speak your truth even when

your voice shakes

the conversation you are most resisting

is the conversation you most need to

have

what do I mean by that

well all too often

we get hurt by someone or we get upset

by someone it could be a work colleague

it could be at home in our family life

and we are almost taught by Society not

to speak up we are afraid you know of

being laughed at uh people think could

think we're weird we could fail and a

lot of us we think well we could lose

the relationship and end up alone it's

fear and so what it is it's it's almost

like non-communication born of fear

but the most effective human beings on

the planet all have one thing in common

and they speak up

and they share their truth

and the more you practice again the

quality of your performance is all about

the quality of your practice

and the more you actually practice

speaking up when you know you want to

speak up the more you will actually step

into your next level of power

and the more you actually betray

yourself by not speaking up when maybe

someone in a restaurant is serving you

and they're not being polite or maybe a

client is being disrespectful or maybe

someone on the street is doing something

that is dishonoring your Humanity every

single time you swallow what you most

need to say

you actually lose power you actually

become more and more impotent as a human

being I mean because you know this we

give away our power to the things that

we avoid the hard talks when you

actually speak up are when you grow in

power and you actually not only grow in

power you build Intimacy in the in the

relationship

I mean just think about it when you

actually speak up with someone and you

tell them how you're feeling and you

tell them what's most important to you

well if it's the right relationship one

that's meant to be in your life whether

it's professional or personal

that is really a Gateway into the other

person having the permission to open up

as well

and then you have two mature people

talking about what's really most

important versus sidestepping the truth

remember this incredibly important brain

tattoo you can say whatever you want so

long as you say it with respect I mean

if someone has been rude to you in a

coffee shop if your friend is late for

dinner and it's important to you that

they're on time

well if you lash out at them and say why

were you late you know I'm angry

that's going to put them into Attack

Mode which is going to cause them to be

defensive but if you say to them you

know Johnny or Ravi whatever their name

is if you say you know what thank you so

much for joining me for dinner before we

get started and enjoy this incredible

meal if I may I just like to share

something with deep respect punctuality

is so important to me and I've been

waiting for here for half an hour and

your time is valuable and my time is

valuable and I'd be ever so grateful if

when we get together you would respect

my time just like I want to respect your

time you've said it with respect look

how powerful that is and if it is a

healthy person versus a talk toxic

person they're going to appreciate you

being so truthful and you're also going

to teach them the punctuality matters so

the second tactic is you can say

whatever you want to a teammate to an

employee to a customer to a family

member so long as you say it with love

and respect number four if you want to

make yourself articulate

then not only should you read but you

should write down what you think

and one of the things that just blows me

away about universities is that no one

ever tells students why they should

write something it's like well you have

to do this assignment well why are you

writing well you need the grade it's

like no

you need to learn to think

because thinking makes you act

effectively in the world thinking makes

you win the battles you Undertake and

those could be battles for good things

if you can think and speak and write you

are absolutely deadly nothing can get in

your way

so that's why you learn to write it's

like

when I can't believe that people aren't

just told that it's it's like

it's the most powerful weapon you can

possibly provide someone with and I mean

I know lots of people who've been

staggeringly successful and watched them

throughout my life I mean those people

you don't want to have an argument with

them they'll just slash you into pieces

and not in a malevolent way it's like if

you're gonna make your point and they're

going to make their point you better

have your points organized because

otherwise you are going to look like and

be an absolute idiot you are not going

to get anywhere teach people to be

articulate

because that's the most dangerous thing

you can possibly be

if you're going to speak

effectively

you have to know way more than you're

talking about to do that you have to do

a lot of reading that's on the input

side and then on the output side well

there's some tricks techniques let's say

is like if you're speaking in front of a

group you are not delivering a talk to a

group

that's not what you're doing the talk

isn't a package thing that you present

to a group there isn't a group

there's a bunch of individuals

and you talk to them so when I talk to a

group I always talk to people one at a

time and that makes it easier too

because you know how to talk to a person

it's like can you talk to a thousand

people well probably not because it's

too intimidating but there isn't a

thousand people there there's

a thousand individuals and so you just

look at an individual and you say

something and you can tell if they're

engaged

they look confused or they look

interested or they look angry or they

look bored and they give you feedback

about how you're doing and so one thing

is to to have something to say yeah but

the next thing is pay attention to who

you're talking to and so you don't

deliver a talk to an audience that's a

really bad way of thinking about you're

actually engaged in a conversation with

an audience even if they're not talking

they're nodding and shifting position

and you know looking like this or and

you can you can pull all that in and and

use it to govern the level at which

you're addressing the entire audience

so

so the last thing I would say is well

having the aim to be a good communicator

is a good start there isn't anything

that you can possibly do that makes you

more competent

in everything you do than to learn how

to communicate I don't care if you're

going to be a carpenter I mean being a

carpenter by the way is very difficult

especially if you're a good Carpenter

but if you're good at communicating as a

carpenter you're like 10 times better as

a carpenter the people that I've watched

in my life have been

spectacularly successful are they have

skills

clearly that that's a

minimum precondition but they're also

very very good at articulating

themselves and so whenever they

negotiate they're successful

well that's kind of like the definition

of success in life right you negotiate

and you're six it doesn't mean you win

because if you're a good negotiator if

you're a really good negotiator

everybody walks away from the

negotiation thrilled

and so then people line up to do things

with you

so and that's all that's all dependent

on your ability to communicate so

practice

number five key to Communications is

there are four basic personality styles

the first is who we call relators the

relator is very high on people

orientation and indirect they are quiet

self-contained not particularly

expressive they're sensitive

people-oriented and concerned about

other people's opinions if you're

communicating this person requires slow

low key easy going friendly almost warm

and fuzzy so if you're dealing with

relators you have to go slow and you

have to be patient you can't be pushy

because they like time to make decisions

and they need time to talk to other

people their greatest concern in life is

let's get along let's all be friends

relators tend to gravitate toward Fields

where relators are most effective so you

find relators in fields like nursing

Social Services counselors where they

relate to other people

now the next type of person is the

analyzer now the analyzer is indirect

and self-contained but very task

oriented this is the kind of person

who's not so much concerned about people

but more concerned about doing the job

and are more inward directed

this type of person at the extreme can

be an uncommunicative bureaucrat very

meticulous and picky about every detail

their primary concern is let's be

accurate they only feel comfortable when

the numbers and the details are correct

now where do you think they'll gravitate

to in terms of work well they'll

gravitate toward accounting computers

engineering bookkeeping computer

programming when you're dealing with an

analyzer concentrate on giving them lots

of detail because this is what makes

them comfortable with a decision

now the third type of person is what we

call the director the director these

people are bottom line oriented and

patient they make quick decisions and

they don't need a lot of detail they're

most concerned with let's get results

get to the bottom line cut to the chase

the fourth type of personality is what

we call the socializer and sometimes

they're called express it they have to

express themselves a lot the socializer

is outgoing a direct a valuable and very

people-oriented this person's primary

motivation is achievement and

achievement with and through other

people they like to talk about

achievement what are you doing how did

you do it how did it work let me tell

you what I did and how it worked for me

many times they become managers or

Executives because they have highly

integrated personalities they're very

concerned about results but they're also

concerned about people now everybody you

meet is in one of these four quadrants

or groups the mistake that most people

make is that they treat everyone house

as if they were just the same as they

were

however no matter which style of

Communicator you are three quarters of

the people you meet are something else

now there's no right or wrong Better or

Worse style these are almost born into

people you can see them in children from

an early age however your job in asking

questions and listening to people is to

find out which style they are and then

to practice personality flexibility so

that you can get along with a greater

number of different types of people