One Size Fits All

It really, really doesn't.

Not literally OR figuratively.

Our school district has been great about our IEP, but a few of L's team still seem to want to go One Size Fits All. They do know that when L is upset or raging, the best possible thing they could do is give her space for about ten minutes so she can get hold of herself, but one or two of them insist on asking her *why* she did things before she's ready. When she's in that state, she doesn't KNOW why. Give the kid like ten feet of space and ten minutes and she'll be able to discuss it calmly, see what she did that's against the rules, and learn from it.

This happens fairly infrequently, I'm happy to say, but when it does happen, it can have far-reaching effects for days or even weeks. It comes under the same heading as "But She Doesn't Look Autistic" (you were maybe expecting Dustin Hoffman?) or "Well, she did fine with this same thing last week" (yeah, and what variables have changed?).

I'm not going to go into specifics, because this is - at its base - a failure to communicate. And, by and large, it's not all that common, because most of these adults have known her for two or three years. And because I get - and so does L, at least once she's calmed down - that this is an absolutely, ridiculously hard set of middle school years, and none of us are at our best.

Let's just tally it up, shall we?

• Covid-19 and distance learning: this was a big problem for a lot of us, kids, parents, staff, everyone. Even the completely neurotypical, tech-savvy, and well-behaved among us had problems adjusting. And then some people say they would do anything to get their kids in school, butts in seats, "any way at all" (but which evidently does not include vaccinating said kids or making them wear masks properly).
• Return to buildings: Even though many people refuse to vaccinate, refuse to mask properly, and refuse to make their children do so.
• School shootings: not in our schools here, thank goodness, but so many in our country that our school district has had its flags at half-mast more days than not this year. This is unacceptable on its own, and yet we expect kids to suck it up and behave well when they're already on edge from all that up there.
• Adults know everything: the tendency to believe that any adult knows better and is blameless regarding anything at the school than any child (or adolescent) does.
• Shortages: we're having shortages of everything, from substitute teachers to material goods we depend on. That's a lot of insecurity right there.
• Middle school: I mean, just middle school. A bunch of cliquish, hormonal, deliberately goading young people testing their limits and everyone's patience.
• End of school year blues: this just happens to everyone; we’re all short tempered, antsy, and more than ready for a break.

And that's just the neurotypical kids. So I should add this: Adults (especially substitutes) who see the kids' files and assume that autism equals stupid and that ADHD equals bad, not paying attention, or the mind of a four-year-old. Or that because they were capable of dealing last week, they are always capable of it.

I've got news for you.

They (we) are not always capable of dealing with things as they come at us. Even if we did it last week. This week may be different. Anxiety is a thing. Hormonal changes are a thing. Sad anniversaries are a thing.

One of L's main pet peeves is "being treated like I'm four when I'm actually fourteen." This is usually the case when she blows up at a school adult: that singsong that adults use when speaking to pets or very small children just grates on her last nerve.

No-one likes being treated with condescension. Especially when they’re acting in defense of another or already stressed or otherwise having a rough time.

I see endless memes about giving grace to adults who work in schools or medical settings. As well we should. I feel like we should also extend that same grace to the kids. It’s not just about waiving testing or extending due dates; these kids are stressed out, and for good reason.

Cut them a break.