I Can't Tell My Daughter "I'd Never Let Anything Happen to You"

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ABUSE

My (28f) daughter (6f) was sexually abused by her biological father (35) for an unknown amount of time when she was a toddler. Bio father & I were together for 3 years, fell pregnant in the third year. I left when my daughter was 6 months old, she gave me the courage to do it. Until she was 4 years old, she saw him sporadically. She didn't start staying overnight with him until he found stable housing, and kept it for one year. My conditions. This was when she was 3 years old. Until then, he was allowed to see her at my house, or I would drop her off with him at a playground or fishing hole & pick her up 4 hours later. We would also meet up together, and spend a day together as a "family."

When she was 4 years old, he was dating a young woman who I grew quite close with. She was wonderful. We really enjoyed each other's company, which was a first for his girlfriends. She called me one day to tell me that she found an alternate Instagram account of his, where he was following pages that were exploiting little girls. A lot of them the same age as my daughter. She then went on to tell me that she had caught him sleeping in her bed, naked. And when she asked him about it, he said he must have undressed in his sleep. This prompted me to ask my daughter if anybody had ever touched her inappropriately (I asked in a way she would understand at 4 years old), and she told me her daddy did. I asked her what she meant, and she went into explicit detail. I immediately called the police in my area and asked them what I should do, and they told me to go to the police station in the city where the accusations took place. I drove 3 hours (we were on a holiday 2 hours away) that very second, to the police station in bio dad's city, and reported everything.

Nothing ever came of it. She was too young to be a viable witness & there was no physical evidence to prove what she was saying. She is 6.5 years old now, and brings it up here and there, asking me questions. Why would he do that? Is he weird? Didn't he love her? Did he do it because he loves her? She sees a private counselor regularly, and also sees her school counselor once a week. She's scared of the dark, and every time she expresses her fear, I can never bring myself to tell her "I won't let anything happen to you," because I've already let the worst thing happen to her.

comments

My son was abused by my best friends husband when he was 2 1/2. We had set up a babysitting coop and one day my son said “Nick put his penis in my mouth and then he peed” - he was 2 how the hell would he know about that??? Also not enough evidence to prosecute- they had forensic interviews with my son where he repeated the claim, but Nick passed a voice stress test and they didn’t move forward. I know it happened though, and I put my baby in that situation. It’s been almost 20 years and I’m still riddled with guilt. I had no way to know, and neither did you, but it’s awful. Just love her so much. My son has turned into the MOST amazing young man, and I couldn’t be more proud of him.

I’ve never understood why cops say she’s not a viable witness. They think a child is lying about that stuff?? A child of that age has no idea what that even is how could a child come up with such an outlandish lie?!!! Obviously if an adult tells them too I guess. But idk. Also isn’t there no statute of limitations on rape? People make accusations years later. If she still remembers and you have proof of that second account he used to have you could probably still go to the police. Then yet again I’m sure you don’t want her to relive it. Again I have no idea about most of this. Also give yourself some grace. She went through a horrible thing. But ultimately you protected her as well as you could at that moment. Plenty of mothers turn a blind eye and let it continue. You’re much better. No one ever thinks that will happen to their child. You couldn’t just break into his apartment to check on her. I agree with the other commenter on saying “I will never let anything bad happen to you again” or you can always say “I will be here to protect you” . Also as an adult who is still terrified of the dark nightlights help a lot. I had two in my room growing up cause of my fear. And I still keep nightlights as an adult.