How to Navigate the Phone Tree of Doom

PROLOGUE

Right. So, like everyone on earth, at some point or another, you’ve had a sucktastic, no-holds-barred, Epic Fail customer service experience. While we in that industry (whether it be a call center, restaurant, retail store, or some new form of torture that no one has ever heard of) are fully aware of the fact that sometimes you have done nothing wrong but still get the CSR equivalent of a dull stick to the eye (and on behalf of The Industry, I would like to offer an unreserved apology for those instances), a good 80% - 90% of the time, your bad experience could likely have been alleviated by the application of common sense, forethought, and/or the ability to admit that maybe – just maybe – you were wrong. In the following pages is a detailed, fairly comprehensive list of things that annoy, frustrate, enrage, horrify, amuse, and occasionally confound us. Mixed in with this list are anecdotes from every walk of customer service; the truly sad part is that not one of them has been exaggerated. These are all true stories and the odds are high that some will make you laugh, a few might cause tears (of joy, sorrow, or horror will depend on your personality), and no small number of them will likely result in a wide-eyed, slack-jawed, WTF?!? moue of disbelief that we in customer service live with Every. Damn. Day. It is our profound hope that this guidebook will walk you safely through a happier, healthier, more productive customer service experience (and if it doesn’t, well, it might give you a few ideas).

CHAPTER 1: YOU MEAN THE THINGS YOU SEND ME ARE IMPORTANT?

Because we like to be different (and also because customer service can be unpredictable), this first chapter of ‘Things to do That Will Make Your Customer Service Experience Not a Nightmare’ involves a very easy bit of preparation that it seems more and more people don’t think of or even realize is necessary. Said preparation is very simple: before you call in or go to a local office/store/restaurant/branch for help, HAVE YOUR INFORMATION AVAILABLE. One of the most frustrating things for a customer service rep (CSR, from here on in) is the continued inability of people to take the extra 30 seconds (or three minutes, depending on the state of your receipts or paperwork; I myself fall into the ‘plan 2 days ahead’ category because my place looks a tornado got set loose in it) to have their policy/account/credit card number BEFORE they call in – and trust me. That right there, that little bit of disrespect, has just downgraded your experience from ‘easy, painless, and helpful’ to ‘I hope you choke on a grape’ before we ever get to the problem. This is compounded by the fact that for every eleven ‘I don’t have my basic information’ calls that we get, between 8 and all of them, you (the customer) will then laugh like you not being prepared, thereby making our day more difficult, is funny.

It. Is. Not.

Imagine, if you will, that you’re calling your insurance company. You don’t have any of your policy numbers (even the car insurance ID cards, which are REQUIRED BY LAW TO BE IN YOUR CAR), your name is Christine Smith, and you live in San Francisco. No, we ‘can’t just look you up by name.’ I once had a customer who called in with zero information and after I was unable to pull her up using ANY method we had available, informed me that “every time I call, you have trouble looking me up.”

Every time she called? If finding her the hard way was difficult every time she called in, then why in the name of God didn’t she have her account info?!? WHY?!?

Because she was thoughtless, inconsiderate, and rude, that’s why. At no point did she ask for her policy number – and when I offered it at the end of the call, she refused. Really? And don’t tell us about ‘driving’ or ‘don’t have anything to write with.’ In this age of cell phones, smart phones, laptops, tablets, and a myriad variety of Apple products, you cannot tell us that she (or you) can’t find SOMETHING to use to save information you need. We can guarantee that if someone offered you the phone number to call in order to claim your free Beyoncé (or Paul McCartney, or whoever) tickets, you would find a way to save that information – because it’s important to you.

Look, everyone is unprepared at some point in their life. It happens and that’s okay. But there is a HUGE difference between ‘I remembered to call while I was heading to work’ and ‘I can’t be bothered to be prepared because I don’t feel like it.’

Out of the average 100 phone calls a CSR takes daily, the latter happens roughly 75% or more of the time – and frequently multiple times in a row. If we could look you up by name (or social, or phone number, or whatever the hell), we wouldn’t be asking for your policy/account/whatever number. Also, asking us ‘well, can’t you just <insert search method>’ throws the blame on us because you’re basically saying ‘how dare you ask me to be prepared?’ and it really, truly, deeply rankles. Please, please, take the extra few minutes to get your shit together before you start the process of asking for help (because if it involves your account, logically, it requires your account number). You honestly would not BELIEVE the difference this one small thing will make to your CSR experience. It’s even worse in person, because here we are, thinking dark thoughts about you and your complete inability to use the brain God gave you and trying to find you in a system that, like as not, is twice as complicated as it needs to be. While this is happening, we’re being stared (glared) at with mounting impatience by you, who truthfully have other things to do with your day. To top it off, we have to keep a neutral face, which is harder than it looks. So, really, you having your information ready is good for everyone’s blood pressure.

Now, that being said, we also understand that life happens. Sometimes, the information you need has been sucked into a black hole, stolen by gnomes, or been used as a chew toy by the cat. We get that – and, as long as you aren’t laughing like it’s funny or blaming us, we’re okay with that. Is it frustrating? Sure, a little. But when that happens, a simple ‘I’m sorry, I don’t have <information>. Is there anything else you can use?’ works wonders, because that tells us that you not only respect our jobs, but also understand that it’s your responsibility to be prepared with your info when you know it’s going to be necessary.

A minor side note to this: if your spouse handles all the bills or the mortgage or the insurance or whatever and there’s something you need changed or taken care of, LET THE PERSON WHO HANDLES THE ACCOUNTS take care of it. I cannot tell you how many times someone would call to start the refinancing process with me, only to stop 2 or 3 questions into the screening process because “<someone else> takes care of this; I have no idea what’s going on.” Well, if you don’t know what’s going on, why are you calling/coming in? Again, that only serves to frustrate everyone involved – and believe me, it’s beyond irritating. It is not our fault that you have no clue whether or not you have a second mortgage, or know the rate plan you have, or anything basic about your account. Nor is it our responsibility to make sure that you’re up to date on YOUR STUFF before you start making changes.

Also, when you call in, the automated phone system (IVR) sometimes asks you to enter your account number. You do, and when a human being finally answers your call, they promptly ask for your account number. There are two potential reasons for this – and no, annoying you isn’t one of them. The first reason is: the system didn’t actually send your account number to us. That happens sometimes. I assure you, it’s as aggravating for us as it is for you, so please don’t squawk about it. We still don’t have the information, so all pitching a fit does is irritate us. The second reason is: we’ll ask for the account number just to make sure we’ve pulled up the right person’s information. This is especially prevalent in cell phones (or so my brother says) because the customer will call from their phone, but want to make changes to, say, their parents’ account, only they don’t enter Mom’s cell number in the IVR, so it picked up their number instead. We really aren’t asking again to piss you off, so please get over yourselves and accept the fact that we’re just trying to ensure that the right account gets taken care of.

We would also like to remind you that taking 3-5 minutes to yell at us for asking for the <whatever> number is completely, utterly ridiculous when you consider the fact that giving us the aforementioned number will take 30 seconds, tops.

Another point of frustration falling into this category, albeit more peripherally, is the issue of payments. If you want to know whether or not we’ve received your payment, the first thing you need to do is CHECK YOUR BANK STATEMENTS. If the payment hasn’t cleared the bank, logic dictates that we don’t have it. We promise you: if a company receives a payment, it will then proceed to cash it. Will it be posted immediately? Unfortunately, in our experience, not always. Sometimes a payment gets misapplied; occasionally, companies like to hold off posting payments until a fee of some sort is generated (this is rare, but it does happen, and it sucks eggs, lollipops, and anything else that’s suckable. We know this very, very well.). When that happens, we CSRs are, for the most part, happy to help you figure out what’s going on – but we CANNOT do so until you’ve done your due diligence and ascertained whether or not the money is still in your account. The fact that so few people even think to do this is just razorblades on the cake – and no, we cannot ‘just call the bank and see.’ First, we don’t have that kind of access – and truthfully, do you really want us to? More importantly, it is not our job to make sure that you keep track of your stuff.

When you do this, only the lack of food being served to you prevents us from spitting in it.

Speaking of food, restaurant and fast-food workers have their own special brand of hell. If you’re going out to eat, it should follow that you’ll need money. Therefore, it should also follow that the aforementioned money should be readily at hand. It is absolutely astonishing at how many people cannot do this math. A colleague of mine shared the story of a customer who came through the drive-through, and when she got to the window, she actually had to put the car in park, get out, open the trunk, and UNLOAD IT – because she had put her purse in first, so it was on the bottom. For my colleague, this almost resulted in tears of frustration because naturally, there was a line, and it was compounded by the fact that after the woman paid for her food, she promptly tossed her purse back in the bottom of the trunk and proceeded to reload her luggage. All 7 pieces of it.

Another point of sheer aggravation for food workers: if you’re using the drive-through and you don’t know what you want (which we get), PLEASE DO NOT COME TO THE SPEAKER UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO ORDER. Almost every fast food restaurant in the world has a menu to look at before you get to the speaker. This is to prevent people from sitting at said speaker for longer than necessary – because while the static in our ears is irritating, the frustrating truth about fast food places is that yes, there are timers for both the speaker and the window, and if those times aren’t met, the people in management – who have never spent a day of their lives working in the restaurant in question – come down on the floor workers like the wrath of God. So if you ever feel rushed in a drive-through, that’s very likely why.

Also: if you have a big order (generally in fast food, anything over 10-15 separate items) or a specialized one (say, a 16-piece bucket of all Original-style legs) there are two things you really should do. Thing the First: CALL THE ORDER IN. That way, it’s ready around the time you arrive, which means you don’t have to sit there and wait for an hour, and we can still take care of other customers because the workload can be spread out a bit. Thing the Second: for those who won’t call it in ahead of time, DO NOT COME THROUGH THE DRIVE-THROUGH. The reasons why should be obvious, but I once had a customer who came through my drive-through a little before 5:30pm (which is during the dinner rush of any restaurant). On a Friday. In a college town. During football season. The line for the DT was wrapped around the building (literally) and though we were making good time, ‘drive-through’ DOES NOT ALWAYS equal ‘fast.’ The food still takes the same amount of time to make, regardless of location. It seems that a lot of people believe that there’s a stockpile of pre-made food for the drive-through, and that is simply not the case. Therefore, if you’re ordering for more than two people or are getting more than about 5-10 items (depending on the restaurant), please come in the lobby. PLEASE. It really will make everyone’s lives easier.

Anyway, she gets to the speaker and orders 4 (FOUR) ten-item platters. Then we had to do the ‘okay, I want 2 with no lettuce and 4 with extra cheese, etc. and such forth’ dance. THEN she ordered the 2 add-ons for each platter. Then she added some other items. By the time she was done, it was nearly an 80-item order. So I read it all back to her while trying not to hyperventilate, because this happened before DTs were the ‘lanes’ they are now, where once you’re in it, you have no choice but to go to the window. Back then, it was an open space, and as such, people were fond of ‘pranking’ us (placing a gigantic order with a lot of modifications, then driving off and forcing us to trash the food), so our policy was not to start making the order until it had been paid for. After I read it back to her, she said, “Yes, that’s everything for the first order.”

Everyone working nearly had a stroke on the spot – especially since the other person’s order came to over 30 items. So, a total of over 100 items for one car – and we couldn’t start making it until it was paid for. We got through the three people in front of her fairly quickly, greeted the customer, and gave her both totals again. The two people in question then STARTED making their checks out. Let me reiterate that: STARTED filling them out at the window – despite a 6-7 minute wait between them placing their orders and getting to the window. It was the last year of accepting checks for that establishment, so the process was lengthy: we had to have your driver’s license number, SSN, date of birth, and two valid phone numbers (and also your blood type, but that was because people didn’t like giving out their e-mail address). So these two people did everything humanly possible to inconvenience everyone involved – including the other customers, because the people behind them had to wait. We couldn’t even park them by the door and take care of the people waiting, because a drive-off and/or bad checks were still a possibility. The only reason those customers got their order intact was because our store manager actually made the exchange. The rest of us were too mad to handle them with any kind of grace.

And before you say, “Really? Getting that worked up over one thing that doesn’t even sound that bad?”, I’ll remind you: drive-through timers. The people waiting behind these customers. An unexpected heavy hit on our available product. Restaurants can only keep so much food ready at once, you know, and when that kind of dent is made in your supply with no warning (and thus, no time to prepare), you run a serious risk of running out of product, because food also takes time to cook. And there is no way to speed up that process.

Now, this is where it gets tricky. Those two customers had a pretty good customer service experience, because they got taken care of by a fairly impartial 3rd party (the store manager floats during rushes, so he isn’t locked into any one thing and thus, isn’t indispensable). The people behind them, however, got some . . . I’ll be honest: it was bad service. We were so busy and so backed up that none of us could take a few minutes to just vent and get it out of our systems, and of course, the bitchiness coming through the window didn’t help. We had two drive-offs while we were making and handing out the women’s food, and the next person actually demanded (despite literally being ‘the next person’) “What took so long?”

To which my colleague replied, “I’m sorry; did you not SEE the 16 bags of food we just handed out?”

Which was a bit rude, yes . . . but seriously? How oblivious can you be? To never look up even once to see what’s going on, then have the gall to blame someone who honestly was not at fault? Rude Customer flushed at the answer and didn’t say anything else . . . but also didn’t apologize. Which, again, pissed all of us off.

The thing that people don’t seem to grasp is that yes, everyone says and does careless, thoughtless, hurtful things. EVERYONE. But when you realize your mistake (or have it pointed out to you), eat the damn crow and apologize. Refusing to admit that we’re right and you aren’t only makes us want to start charging by the minute. A simple “You know what? You’re right and I’m sorry” will quadruple your chances of getting what you want, in the ‘I need <something> scenario. You expect us to apologize, after all – and frequently, you expect . . . no, you demand it when we aren’t even involved beyond answering the phone or working the front counter that day. Start showing more courtesy and you’ll start getting some back.

In this vein, but as a minor side note: if you’re going to Sonic during Happy Hour (2pm – 4pm) and you want actual food (you know, burger and fries or hotdog and tator tots, or whatever), then DO NOT GO THROUGH THE DRIVE-THROUGH!!! That drive-through was designed for the *primary purpose* of streamlining drink orders. Again, show some consideration. Please. We’re the ones getting sniped at, not you, and that really gets old after a very short while.

Another thing that tips your customer service experience from ‘pleasant’ or ‘tolerable’ to ‘we laced your mashed potatoes with barbed wire’ is a different variation on being unprepared. If you’re getting food for someone who isn’t with you, for the love of all that is holy, FIND OUT WHAT THEY WANT BEFORE YOU GET TO THE SPEAKER/COUNTER. There is little that is so infuriating as asking, “Hi, what would you like?” and being answered with, “Oh, hang on. I have to call/text/e-mail so and so.” We hate you for that, because not only are you showing a complete disregard for us, you’re also screwing over the people behind you – and WE are the ones they take it out on. We know you hate being chivvied along – we hate chivvying you along – but as it’s your lack of common sense, manners, and courtesy that are annoying everyone around you, you lose. Again, a little consideration will go a looooong way. And let’s be honest – if (when) someone does something that rude to you, you get pissed off. Strangely enough, so do we.

Yes, we’re trained to handle it and keep our reactions locked down, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have them – and that is no reason whatsoever for you to abuse your ‘position’ over us. We might be there to serve you, but we’re also human and just because we’re working food service (or retail, or a call center) doesn’t mean we’re stupid or not as good as you. And that attitude is one that rankles. I worked in fast food all through college because I was in the marching band ON TOP OF going to school full-time, and that was the only job type that would work around my college and band schedules, during which I obtained a Bachelor’s in Business Administration and Marketing, and a minor in Music. And I can and do guarantee you that just because someone works in the fast food industry does NOT mean they’re ‘stupid,’ ‘lazy,’ or ‘inferior.’

This attitude (and you know who you are) is also likely to lead to your food being dropped on the floor and still bagged for you, or a drink being dumped on you at the window. This is where manners and courtesy will serve you well and go a long way toward keeping your customer service experience tolerable, if not fun or pleasant.

So, to recap: Be Prepared. Be courteous, mannerly, and considerate. If you are these things and still get bad customer service or a bitchy rep, then by all means, request a supervisor – but ONLY if you were given treatment that did not match what you handed out. If you start out the conversation with ‘You WILL do what I want, because you’re a peon and I’m The Customer (actual sentence spoken to a colleague in the cable TV business),’ you aren’t going to get anything but grief. Even if you have a legitimate reason to be angry (and it happens frequently; we are most assuredly aware of this), don’t take it out on ME when I’m not the person who screwed up. If you’re going to yell at me, at least give me a chance to deserve it. If I’m genuinely trying to resolve your issue, commenting on that (or at least, keeping the bitchiness leashed) will also make me more inclined to go the extra mile. And I know that a lot of people are going to gasp ‘but you should always go the extra mile!’

No, we shouldn’t. We are here to serve you and meet your needs. No less, most definitely . . . but no more, either, just for the hell of it. You’re our job security and ideally, we always want to treat you well, but you don’t ‘deserve’ special consideration just because you’re you. If you have that attitude, you’re always going to be disappointed. Now, on the other side of that coin, we should not make you feel like we’re begrudging you the absolute bare minimum and that you should be thankful for getting that much, because that’s not good customer service, but you need to realize that in the grand scheme of things, getting exactly what you ask for is not a slight to you. Rather, it is good customer service.

I had a customer once, when I worked insurance, who called to make a payment. She was brisk and friendly, but obviously ready to get it done and get on with her day, so I got her information, took the payment, and didn’t try to ‘upsell’ (so to speak) or make idle chatter. Before she hung up, she said, “Thanks so much for being quick and efficient. Almost every time I call, someone offers me autopay or tries to sell me an earthquake policy and I know you’re supposed to, but it’s so aggravating, because I say ‘no’ and instead of accepting that, people always want to argue with me. So thank you for taking my payment and nothing else!”

She hung up before I could say more than “Thank you,” but I appreciated the sentiment. It’s becoming vanishingly rare for people to realize that every coin has two sides. Just like you hate having to fix your account because of someone else’s mistake, we hate being griped at for doing our jobs. Like so much of life, good customer service is a two-way street.

CHAPTER 2: NAVIGATING THE PHONE TREE OF DOOM

I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that every time I have to call ANYWHERE, I have to press a minimum of 100 buttons and still don’t end up where I need to be. If you’ve had that experience, you have my complete and utter sympathy.

However.

When you do call in to a company and have to suffer through the Phone Tree of Doom, DO NOT say anything about it to the rep who answers the phone. We know, okay? We are well aware of the fact that our phone tree a) sucks, b) is horrendously long, c) is inconvenient, and d) sucks. WE KNOW. Telling us that every time you call in gets old on the second call and the straight truth is: the phone tree will never go away. Someone who has never had to take care of his own business designed the thing and it’s there. We can’t change that. Our supervisors can’t change that. THEIR supervisors can’t change that. And the people above them ARE NOT GOING to change it. So please quit bitching about it to us. We can’t make it go away and hearing that is another thing that will downgrade your customer service from ‘good’ to ‘fall off a cliff,’ especially when you continue to insist that you being a customer of ours since time began should somehow exempt you from the phone tree. It doesn’t, it won’t, and saying so only annoys us.

Yes, some of these things that will kill your customer service are little things – but it’s the little things that hurt the most. Remember: you are not the only person we’ll talk to that day, and though most of us don’t take these things personally, we do get affronted because such a huge portion of the population is utterly lacking in manners, common sense, and basic consideration. Particularly when we get three or four of you in a row. It’s the collective build-up, not you as an individual, that pushes us over the line.

To recap: quit complaining about the phone tree. It solves nothing and serves no purpose save annoying us, which runs a high risk of reducing your customer service experience. Is it rational? No. Is it fair? Hell, no! But remember: like you, we’re human. And like you, we get sick and tired of hearing people constantly complain about things they know cannot (or will not) be changed.

CHAPTER 3: THE REASON WHY HOMICIDE CAN BE CLASSED ‘JUSTIFIABLE’

“Thank you for calling <Company>, my name is <Name>, may I get your name, please?”

“I’m calling because <reason>!”

Stop.

Re-read.

What did I ask for?

What was your answer?

. . .

Exactly,

This . . . this is arguably the biggest reason your customer service experience is like having surgery with no anesthesia: your complete inability to even register that someone else is talking.

Now, let me follow this up with: we know that you have an issue, or you wouldn’t be calling or coming in. We also know that a lot of the time, the reason for your call/visit is because you’re angry, and we’re equally aware that it’s hard to be calm and focused when you’re upset. Nonetheless, when you ignore Every. Single. Thing. We. Say, we very quickly become resentful and frustrated. This is most prevalent when you call in, because you’re talking to a faceless entity and you feel a strange combination of helplessness (you have no weapon save your words) and powerful (you can say anything you want, because you’re never going to meet the person you’re screaming at), and as my mother puts it, you’ve got the bit between your teeth and God help the fool who tries to stop you.

For those of you who aren’t horse-people, this means that you’re angry before you dial the number, frustrated from the Phone Tree of Doom (see Chapter 2) on top of that, and/or if there’s a hold time before someone answers you, the combination results in you blasting off like the start of a NASCAR match (that’s a car race, for those of you (like me) who truly do not give a damn about sports as a collective whole).

Now again, here’s the dichotomy: we CSRs know full well that you’re angry and frustrated, and likely with good reason.

However.

When you don’t let us talk, don’t listen when you do let us get a word in, and don’t answer the questions we’re asking, YOU ARE PREVENTING YOUR ISSUE FROM BEING RESOLVED.

In addition, you’re also pissing us off. Before any customer service rep in any area of business in any genre (call center, retail, whatever) can access or make changes to your account, it MUST be verified. There is no other option. And all companies have their own version of ‘verified.’ For the cell phone company my brother worked at, it was last 4 of the SSN. For the cable company the friend suffered through, it was the verbal password and your DOB. For the insurance company I was with, we required your zip code and e-mail address. Of those three examples, guess who consistently had the most trouble with verification?

If you guessed the phone company, thanks for playing.

If you thought it was the cable company: fair point, but no.

It was the insurance company.

People would spend longer arguing with me about confirming their e-mail address then it would have taken to reinvent the Internet. I’m not kidding. And the sad thing was, all that fussing and fighting and ‘I don’t give outs’ people threw at me didn’t mean a damn thing, because those were our requirements. If you didn’t provide that information, you didn’t get anything done.

And people? Those security verifications are in place FOR YOUR SECURITY. Do you really want us providing information about your mortgage/cell phone/insurance/whatever to someone who just calls in and says, “Yeah, of course I’m <you>” without making any attempt to make sure that’s true? That’s a serious question, by the way. Do you really want us giving information to your ex without verifying just because they know the new spouse’s name? Because that does happen, and it’s a lot more prevalent than you might think.

I’ll be honest: the zip code/e-mail thing made me twitch, because I was used to mortgage company verification, which stopped just shy of requiring a thumbprint. But it was what the company decided on, so that’s what we asked for. Rest assured, customers, we are not asking these questions because we’re bored. Also, there are more interesting things to fight with me about than your flippin’ e-mail address. So please, when we ask you these questions so we can verify the account, ANSWER US. Even if you’re just calling to confirm the due date of the payment. To you, giving us two or three pieces of information to get an answer of ‘July 7th’ is ridiculous; to us, it’s our jobs. If we’re required by the company to verify the account before providing any information and we don’t, we can (and will) be fired. And if that inconveniences you . . . tough. Making sure your account is secure trumps your comfort level, so stop yelling at us about it and just answer the questions, please. We’ll all be happier.

Also, please remove the phrase and all variants of ‘you people’ from your vocabulary. It’s insulting, it’s degrading, it’s blame-throwing, and it has caused more than one CSR to stab something with a paperclip. Because the truth is, even if the company is at fault, starting out from a position of ‘you mangy dogs’ is still going to annoy us and your inability to be gracious in victory only (maybe) results in us doing only exactly what is required to correct the issue – and grudgingly at that. There definitely won’t be any ‘I’m so sorry for the trouble; let me waive that or issue this credit or send you a gift card’ coming to you if you START from a position of ‘you people screwed up. Could you be any more incompetent?’, which is what ‘you people’ comes off as.

And yes, we know full well that you’re aggravated both at the error and at having to call/come in. We know. But that doesn’t mean that you cannot show even a little courtesy. Also, we get that there’s a difference between the first time something’s happened and the third (or third multiple). When you’re on your third or fourth try to get something taken care of, we understand that patience and courtesy have boarded a plane for Majorca and flipped you off as they left. We don’t like it, but we do get it, and we’re more inclined to be accepting of such things.

But if it’s your first time with an issue, don’t start out with ‘You people got <something> wrong!’ Just . . . don’t. Instead, try something like, “Hey, it looks like there’s a problem with <whatever>. Can you explain it to me?” If it’s the company’s fault, we’ll find it. Trust me. We won’t even have too much trouble saying so, especially if you were polite. Start out accusatory, though, you’re gonna get stonewalled at every turn. And again, before you huff and puff in protest, are you really going to say that YOU like being accused of something before you’ve said ‘hello’?

Yet another side note: if (when) there’s a hold time when you call in, do not say a word to the rep who answers your call. Not. A. Word. We are fully, completely, totally, 150% aware of the fact that we are in queue. Trust us: the phone dings in our ear constantly. We know there’s a long hold time; there is very little we can do about it. You announcing that you’ve been holding for <insert long amount of time> is like telling us the sky is blue. Duh. And we are now annoyed with you, because there you go, thinking you’re special. Does it suck that there was a (long) hold time? Yes, it does. For EVERYONE. But what makes you better than the other 100 people waiting to talk to us? Hmm? And if you’re calling during your break or lunch and don’t have time, HANG UP AND CALL BACK LATER!!!!

MOST companies wherein you can call for help have a call center (or several) that are open at least a few hours later than the local store. So if you’re calling your national satellite dish company and the store closes at 5:30pm, we can virtually guarantee that there will a) be a call center b) that is open much later c) at least Monday – Friday, if not the weekends. So if you don’t have time to wait on hold for 6 or 7 minutes (which we understand; we’ve all been there), then call back later. If you *choose* to keep holding, don’t snap at us. It is NOT our fault that you, yourself, and you decided to wait on hold. Nor is it our fault that half the free world decided to call in on that day during that time. And I can guarantee you, we are working as hard as we can to get your issue resolved so we can get to the next call, because that is the only way for us to get out of queue, which is one of our main goals in life. So don’t complain if you don’t get immediate service. It isn’t a slight, an insult, or a deliberate inconvenience to you, so quit acting like you’re the only person on earth.

Also, with regards to that, given it’s very likely the next words out of your mouth after you’ve kvetched about the hold time will be some variant of ‘I don’t have time to wait for you people to pick up the phone,’ you will then spend about 3-5 minutes telling us how important/overworked/stressed out/whatever you are. Permit us to inform you that YOU are the one who just wasted your precious time, both by complaining about the wait and by telling us how special you are. We really don’t want to hear it – especially because, a good deal of the time, you spend longer bitching than it takes to handle whatever you’re calling about.

As with everything, of course, there are exceptions – but if your issue is going to take a while to resolve (and most people are at least somewhat aware of this), then plan accordingly. If you don’t have the time for us to do the research while you’re on the phone, then your problem won’t be taken care of. If we ask to put you on hold so we can do what needs to be done, don’t ask for a callback instead. If we could call you back, we’d offer (assuming callbacks are something the company allows; not all of them do). Clue: if you had to wait on hold before we picked up, we are too busy for our bosses to allow callbacks. Therefore, when we say ‘no, I need you to hold’, don’t get pissy. It really isn’t personal.

The next common thing in Failure to Listen is this: you want to get to your issue and get it fixed. Awesome. So do we. But most of us CSRs have a process we follow; it might be company-mandated or it could be our preferred way to get there. Personally, I like to get your name and the gist of the problem before I ask for the account number, so I can go ahead and get the right system or tool pulled up, which helps to streamline the call and avoid unnecessary hiccups like ‘oh, hang on, that’s a different system. Sorry; give me a minute to get it pulled up.’ As a result of this preference, I will ask you what I want to know in the order I need. Give the answers I ask for – and only those answers – and we’ll be done and off the phone as quickly as is feasibly possible without you feeling like you just got off a rollercoaster on speed.

Ignoring me or telling me what you think I need to know only delays the process of getting your issue resolved, while simultaneously annoying me (having said that, we do understand that there might be extenuating circumstances or things that we might not think to ask, or even the fact that you’re so furious you simply cannot hold it in anymore). But on the whole, it seems that the vast majority of people are, quite frankly, that rude and ill-mannered. Unless you’ve been on our side of it, it’s hard to comprehend just how infuriating this can be. I once had a call wherein I said not one – ONE – word for over six minutes after my initial greeting, because the customer would not stop talking – and while the first minute or so was useful information, everything after that was a combination of complaining about us in general and repeating everything she’d already said. Twice. Yeah, that was productive.

Also along these lines is what you might see as a surprising irritant: please do not give us your life history, your medical life history, or a five-minute soliloquy on why you’re calling/late/asking for a favor/something. This may sound callous, but we really don’t care. You might have ‘just gotten a cancer diagnosis,’ but he ‘just found out his son was arrested’ and she ‘just lost the grandmother who raised her’ – which are all heartbreaking and legitimate reasons for being late or short on a payment or whatever it is you’re calling to do. We know that.

But.

You would be appalled (or maybe not) at the sheer number of people who tell us sob stories because they don’t want to be held responsible for throwing away the bill or going on vacation. And truthfully? Even if your story is true, it really doesn’t matter. The fact is, you’re trying to get something extra. Telling us your mother just died so we need to waive the late fee will net you the exact same results as telling us that you’re sorry, you just flat forgot, and is it possible to waive once? Actually, we’re more likely to do what you’re asking in the latter scenario, because if you’re so grief-stricken over <tragedy>, how are you clear-headed enough to quibble over $5?

Also, don’t tell us that ‘I never got the bill, but I did get the cancellation notice.’ While it isn’t out of the realm of possibility that a bill got lost, it is BEYOND unlikely that more than one statement vanished into the ether, assuming the mailing address is correct. And it’s awfully convenient that you didn’t get any bills or other paperwork from us, but you miraculously got the cancellation notice. We aren’t stupid. We know perfectly well that you threw the bills away or tossed the paperwork and/or envelope in a drawer without opening it. Just admit it. You might not get what you want, but at least we aren’t going to put you on hold so we can laugh at you.

And yes, that sounds both harsh and unfeeling. But you have to remember that a) you are not the only person we’ll talk to that day, b) the stunt above is something a high school student tries to get out of a paper, c) we get said stunt tried on us 50 times A DAY, and d) our BS barometers have been very well honed in the fires of customer service (much like in parenting, so I understand). We’ve heard every excuse in the book and a few that came from a galaxy far, far away. We have no sympathy because when you get right down to it, you’re trying to scam us. So when you tell us ‘I’m just devastated because <tragedy>; please waive <small sum>,’ we know you’re lying and we’re either going to laugh at you or plot your demise. Either way, you just sank your own ship. It really is better to own up to your mistake.

Now, this is not to say that you won’t get the occasional person who is gullible, too kind-hearted, or doesn’t care and as such, will grant your request. The vast majority of us, though, are jaded and cynical – unfortunately, with good cause. So don’t try to soften us up or ease us into things with personal tragedy. It won’t change anything.

A subtle variant on this theme is handling someone else’s account. If you’re calling or coming in on behalf of your parents (for example), make sure you have some documentation to back that up. If you aren’t listed on the account, don’t have any paperwork giving you access to the account, and don’t have and/or can’t contact the person who is on the account, we aren’t going to tell you anything. Well, we aren’t supposed to. Some people will because they don’t know any better, are new, or don’t care if they get fired. But they are not the norm, and won’t be with the company for long.

Thus: if you call/come in and want to make a change or cancel an account and you are not a) the account holder, b) their authorized contact, or c) in a position to get in touch with them in order to verify and gain authorization, then d) you cannot access the account. And DO NOT tell us that ‘so and so did it before.’ One, that’s unlikely. Two, even if it’s true, it’s an aberration; they shouldn’t have. And three, don’t tell me about <Company X>. I don’t care what their rules are; I care about mine – which is NOT Company X.

Therefore, if we tell you that we need a death certificate and Power of Attorney in order to cancel a policy for someone who’s passed away, it stands to reason that **we need a death certificate and Executor of the Will (or something to that effect)**. Don’t argue with us, don’t bitch at us, and don’t tell us that nobody else needs that. I know that’s a lie, because every place I’ve ever worked has required at least one of the above to cancel a policy if you aren’t the account holder. It’s a security precaution, people. We know it’s a difficult time for you, but given how many people lie to us about ‘traumatic events in their lives’ on an hourly basis, we can no longer take you at your word. And if you are legitimate, providing what I need might be inconvenient or a hassle, but it shouldn’t be a problem.

The utter absence of listening to us, in fact, not only lessens your customer service as a whole, it can (and usually does) decrease your chances of getting what you want if you’re, say, asking for a fee waiver or payment extension or, you know, anything. If you can’t do us the courtesy of listening while we ask for what we need to help you, why should we bother?

This lack of listening also carries over to non-call center businesses. I will never forget the time my best friend crashed at my place after a 12-hour day at a local taco joint. She ranted for nearly an hour about a customer who was too stupid to live (her words, but I couldn’t disagree). The fast food place in question had literally just gotten a new item and it was the featured combo offered in the drive-through. The actual order went like this (confirmed with the manager on duty two days later because I simply could not believe anyone could be this oblivious. Lesson learned.):

“Thanks for choosing <taco place>, would you like to try a <new item combo>?”

“No. I think I want that <new item combo>”

::pause::

“All right. Did you want that with a crunchy or soft taco?”

“Does that come with a soft taco?”

::deep breath::

“Yes, it does. What would you like for the drink?”

“Oh, I don’t want a drink. But can I have a Coke?”

::gritted teeth::

“First of all, sir, that’s a drink. Second, I don’t have Coke. I have Pepsi or Dr. Pepper.”

“You don’t have Coke?”

“NO.”

“Well . . . do you have Dr. Pepper?”

“YES.”

“Gimme a Mountain Dew.”

. . .

It sounds funny when you’re just reading it or hearing a recount, but at the time . . .

My friend is one of the calmest people I know, as a general rule. She actually had to go into the freezer for a few minutes and scream from sheer frustration. All the guy ordering had to do was take 2 seconds to listen to what my friend was asking and the whole thing could have been short, sweet, and painless. Instead, he managed to completely and utterly piss off both the assistant restaurant manager and a 3-year tenured employee, with very little effort. All it took was refusing to admit someone else might need to share his airspace.

(that’s also why, when I go to ANY restaurant, fast or not, I always let the waitress/server/whoever finish what they’re saying and actually pay attention while they’re talking, because sometimes, it’s good information and something I need or want – and even if it isn’t, it’s still the polite, respectful thing to do. AND it costs me nothing but a few seconds of my day. I would think that’s a fair trade, wouldn’t you?)

Another side note: we are well aware that frequently, three phone calls result in four different answers to the same question. This is as infuriating for us as it is to you, and we are well aware of that fact. But. Before you go off on us, please keep in mind the following factors.

1) Not all notes are created equal. Sometimes, it takes time for us to translate what the prior CSR(s) wrote, so be patient and give us a minute to look over the account.

2) Assuming that notes were left. It’s not fair or right, and it accomplishes nothing but screwing everything up for all involved parties, but sometimes people don’t leave notes. When that happens, there is quite literally nothing we can do, because we have no trail to follow. If that is the case, stay calm – outwardly, at least – advise us of the information you were given, and let us do the research. Again, it’s frustrating, but when we have no trail, we also have no options. Screaming about it does nothing but annoy everyone.

3) Companies are very fond of changing things literally from one day to the next. A friend of mine used to gripe that her office would send out a memo with a new policy/procedure at 9 am, then send out a second memo two or three hours later that said ‘never mind. We’re doing this instead.’

Which means that sometimes, the conflicting (or different, because they aren’t always mutually exclusive) answers are no one’s fault. It’s also not bad information. It’s just frustrating – and just as much for us as for you. So again, if that should happen, be calm. We aren’t saying you have to like it, because we sure as hell don’t, but the situation isn’t going to change, so remember that, according to society, you’re a grown adult. Please behave accordingly and we’ll do our best to match. And that is God’s honest truth. While there are some CSRs out there who would just as soon run over you as look at you, the majority of us don’t play that game. We’re happy to help you . . . but not at the expense of civility and common courtesy.

Now, a few secrets about collections in general and mortgages in particular: reputable credit agencies (and they do exist, we promise. There aren’t a lot of them, but there are some) might call you more than once a day – which is aggravating beyond belief, we know – but that is because the phone numbers are pre-loaded into the system 2-4 days before the calls are actually made. They are not manually dialed. Well, as a rule. Also, most systems of that nature update at midnight, so if you’ve already spoken with someone or made a payment or done anything that should make you stop receiving calls, be patient: it will go into effect the next day. Is that frustrating? Yes, of course. But what you don’t know (or care about, to be fair) is the fact that we don’t like any more than you do. Can you imagine how we feel to call you about being late, only to discover that you have, in fact, made your payment – today, usually, which means we now have egg on our faces. And, of course, we can’t say that until we’ve verified the account.

Which is another sore point for everyone involved.

You see, we know and understand that you the mortgagee can’t figure out why, if we’re the ones calling you, we need you to verify the account by way of some portion (though not all, and this is an important distinction) of your SSN and usually the property address. We understand that this does seem like a scam, but just because we’re calling a number listed on the account doesn’t mean that we’re speaking to the right person. If – assuming it is your number, which is by no means a guarantee – your child answers the phone, or sibling, or even your spouse – and they aren’t listed on the loan as an authorized user – then we will not provide any information. Because if you’re honest, you really don’t want us giving information about your mortgage to any person who says ‘of course I’m <you>’ without the slightest shred of proof of that. It’s not just common sense – it’s a federal requirement.

So if you refuse to verify the account when we call, then get the callback number and, you know, actually call us back. DON’T demand that we tell you anything if you refuse to verify your identity, because not only will it not get you anywhere, it will likewise annoy everyone involved. Also keep in mind that legitimate collections agents will be asking you to verify something, not provide it. An easy test for that is to give the wrong property address (or whatever) and see if you get called on it. If you do, the odds are very, very high that we’re legit. If you don’t, hang up and call back, and see what happens. But whatever you do, please quit arguing with and yelling at us. This isn’t our idea of fun, we swear to you. We’re just doing our jobs.

Also, re: just doing our jobs. Here’s a few more things that irritate everyone but aren’t going anywhere.

1) Yes, you have a grace period of 10 or 15 days on your mortgage payment before a late fee is assessed. BUT: it is still considered ‘past due’ the day after the due date. Thus, if your due date is the 1st of every month, if you haven’t paid by the end of the day, on the 2nd your payment is now late – and collections will be calling in the next 24 hours. Is it irritating? Oh, hell yes! Would it make more sense for the mortgage company to hold off calling until two, maybe three days before your grace period expires? YES. Is that going to happen? No. So quit snarling at us and accept the fact that sometimes, life sucks and you aren’t always going to get what you want – or even what makes sense. And we assure you: we hate it probably more than you do, because your irritation is a brief blurb in your day. You’re one of two hundred people who are going to be kvetching at us for something we have zero control over.

2) If you answer the phone three days out of four and do the entire conversation, you’re going to be asked the same set of questions on every single call. We know how aggravating it is, especially since we’re looking at yesterday’s note with the exact answers we need. But most companies record all of their calls and – well, we’re sorry, but our jobs aren’t worth sparing you 90 seconds of repetition. Again, this is not our idea of fun, so please just answer the damn questions so we can ALL get on with our day. Please.

3) You hate that we call during supper, immediately after work, while you’re watching The Good Wife, trying to put the kids to bed (or anytime, let’s be honest). But you really hate that we call you at 8:55 at night – and have no compunctions about letting us know that. But see, here’s the thing: the federal government has stated that we cannot call any state (or U.S. Territory) after 9:00pm or before 7:00am. Anything in between is fair game, irritating as that is for you the mortgagee. But instead of snarling at us – who, again, are just doing our job and not really liking this part of it – why don’t you consider that if you would 1) make your payment, 2) answer the phone when we call and have a date (tentative though it might be) for when you’ll be able to make your payment, or 3) return one of the dozens of calls we’re making to you, a lot of the hassle would stop. We really don’t like calling you four times a day, but until your monthly payment is received or, at the very least, a payment date is set, we have no choice. None. This situation is not of our making, so please quit taking it out on us. That only makes it worse for everybody.

Oh, and hanging up when we identify ourselves or refusing to verify and refusing to call us back? That gets noted in the system, so when you get the foreclosure notice or breach of contract, etc, understand that we have multiple notes showing where you hung up on us or refused to verify because you were worried it was a scam (which is an understandable thought) but also refused to call us back to confirm the company’s legitimacy because ‘if it’s that important, you’ll just tell me.’ And that doesn’t take into account the vast number of people who didn’t return a single voicemail we left – and when you’re past due on your mortgage, you are guaranteed to get one voicemail every other day for the first 15 days, and one message EVERY day for the last half of the bill cycle. Therefore, your claims of ‘had no warning/no one ever told me/whatever excuse’ will not hold water. Again, we have notes – and the calls are very likely monitored and can be listened to at any time, by request.

You can’t have it both ways. If you refuse to talk to us, you don’t get to complain that you got no information. Pick one – and deal with the consequences.

4) You feel hunted, persecuted, and all-around harassed by collection agents and unfortunately, that is what happens a lot of the time. Not all collections agencies are man-eating sharks out to squeeze the last drop of blood from you, your sack of turnips, and any stones that happen to be lying around, but the ratio of ‘nice to not nice’ is about 1:300. We get that. But what you the borrower (of whatever: house, car, credit card, money to re-tile your bathroom – anything that’s legally owed back, in other words) fail to understand or refuse to admit is that, barring a few isolated cases in the grand scheme of things, YOU are the one who caused the situation. By not paying your bills in a timely fashion, you have created the need for us to call and try to get our money.

And yes, we understand that you’ve lost your job or had a death in the family or wrecked the car or whatever. Life happens, and we are well aware of this. But you’d be horrified (hopefully) at the number of people who’ve (supposedly) been unemployed for several weeks or more and still have cable/satellite/TV that isn’t free. Really? You have no income but you’re still PAYING for something you can rent on DVD (or download or Netflix) once you’re back on your feet? It’s things like that – which happen a hell of a lot more often than they should – that cause so many agents to be snotty with you, because we’re operating under the assumption that keeping a roof over your head is more important than seeing who’s sleeping with who in Nashville. And quite frankly, given that you are frequently yelling at us for calling you in the first place, can you see how this is infuriating for us? As always, there are exceptions to this, but the majority of people who are sent to a collections agency are there legitimately, so suck it up and accept the consequences of your actions. We cannot help until that happens, because you won’t really listen to us as long as you feel ‘unjustly persecuted.’

Also, if we’ve been calling you Every. Single. Day. For two, three, six, twelve MONTHS, you **DO NOT GET ** to be annoyed when the message on your voicemail changes from ‘please call us’ to ‘pick up your phone and call us back.’ Is it the most polite message in the world? No, it’s not. But then, seeing as you’re blatantly ignoring our multiple, ongoing attempts to get in touch with you about the money/item you have, in essence, stolen, it is beyond hypocritical for you to finally call back to complain about a ‘rude message’ instead of ‘oh, my God. Let’s get this thing paid/returned/handled so you people will leave me alone.’

In other words, get over yourself. If you’re going to ignore polite requests, learn to deal with annoyed demands. Remember: this situation is 100% of your making, not ours. Keep in touch if you can’t make the payment, and most places will be happy to work with you.

5) We cannot express how serious this is: when you have a mortgage, the odds are very high that your loan will be sold at some point. To prevent a great deal of headaches, aggravation, and confusion, please follow these simple steps. PLEASE.

a) Open any and all mail that you get, because the company selling your loan is required by federal law to provide notification 45-90 days in advance and if the mail isn’t important, you’ve lost a whole 30 seconds checking.

b) The company buying your mortgage is also required by federal law to provide notification of the change. This typically occurs 30-60 days in advance. Yes, they sometimes overlap. Get over it.

c) Changes in escrow for an existing mortgage are almost always (because there’s that one company in 20 who has to be different) included with the monthly statement 2 months before the change goes into effect. If you don’t open your statements for whatever reason, it is your fault that your payment on the first month of the change is wrong. Do not yell at us, because you *were* notified. See Bullet Point #1.

d) If you have autopay set up with Company A and someone (from either side) tells you ‘don’t worry about it, it will automatically transfer over.’ DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. ***DO NOT***. You need to check on your autopay once the transfer is officially done, because 11 times out of 9, something goes wrong and you’re late on that first payment because you thought everything was set up. No, it isn’t fair that you were told things were taken care of and they weren’t, but the human element is still involved and mistakes happen. Take responsibility for your stuff and make sure everything is actually set up, and a lot of the problems associated with loan transfers will go away. Not all, but there’s no such thing as perfect.

e) Also, if the company sends out a notice of payment address change and you have autopay set up through your bank, *you* have to go into your bank account and manually make the change. It isn’t automatic, your mortgage company can’t do it, and the bank won’t. It’s your responsibility. If you don’t make the required changes, then your payments are going to be late and you will be responsible for the late fees. Again, deal with it.

f) If you have any paperwork that needs to be sent to the company, we highly, strongly, desperately recommend that you fax or e-mail said paperwork to us instead of mailing it. It sucks, but the straight truth is that mailing something means there’s a strong possibility of us never receiving the important papers you’re sending. It’s not fair, we know – and agree with – but it is life now. If you disregard this and mail your stuff anyway, do everyone a favor and send it via certified mail or with a return receipt, so we have something to track. Please. We’re begging you.

So, to conclude: collections agents are not inherently evil, but as with every other aspect of customer service, failing to treat us like we’re human beings, having no manners or consideration, and just generally being unnecessarily rude and unpleasant does nothing but frustrate you, annoy us, and create a much higher chance of your issue not getting resolved.

And maybe that’s not fair or right, but neither is being chewed out, screamed at, or being treated as sub-human. If you do the latter, you really don’t get to complain when the former is a consequence. Newton’s Third Law is (usually – we’ll be honest and admit this point) constant: every action produces an equal and opposite reaction. Think about that the next time you’re interacting with a CSR. We think you might be happier with the results, truly – and if you aren’t, well, there’s no harm in trying. It doesn’t cost anything to be polite and mannerly.

CHAPTER 4: DO WE LOOK LIKE A DAYCARE?

Don’t worry, retail world. I have not forgotten you.

Permit me to preface this with: people, if you’re over the age of 18, BLOODY WELL ACT LIKE IT. There is nothing so infuriating as an adult behaving worse than a toddler can even aspire to, especially in person.

I remember once, when I was in Radio Shack, a woman came in with an opened TV and asked the guy at the counter if she could swap it out with a different one because she didn’t like the picture quality. Okay, fine. The rep asked for her receipt (a requirement for a refund or exchange in large electronics) but when the woman said she didn’t have it, he just nodded and said he’d look it up in a minute.

Then he looked at the TV.

Ladies and gentlemen, I saw a temper tantrum my under-10 nephews would have hard-pressed to match TOGETHER because the Wal-Mart brand TV she’d bought didn’t work and she wanted to exchange it with one of Radio Shack’s – and when the sales rep told her no, they couldn’t do that on account of it being, you know, a WAL-MART product, she came completely unglued, threw the box on the ground, and started screaming about how she was the customer and they were the store and by God, she was going to get what she wanted, because the customer is always right.

Yeah, no. Sorry.

You are not always right. You aren’t even mostly right, depending on the venue. But there are levels to what CSRs can and will do. If you’re wrong, but making you happy is a $5 fee waiver or free drink or something like that, you’re probably going to get it.

Probably.

Then again, I had a woman once call my insurance company and ask for the finance fee to be waived because she was going to pay in full. Okay, fine, fair trade. As I was pulling up the systems I’d need, I gave her a quick explanation of why that fee was assessed, because not everyone knows (if you’re curious, it’s because more than one statement was generated). When I’d finished, she said (my hand to God), “Yeah, I ignored the bills you sent but then I got the cancellation notice.”

::blink::

Let me repeat that: she stated, flat-out, on a RECORDED line, that she had IGNORED the bills – plural – that we’d sent her, but wanted us to waive a $5 finance charge. Not because she didn’t get them, or realize the due date was past (which we’ve all done at least once). She ignored us. And then wanted special treatment. No. Not happening. One of the biggest issues people in customer service have is the customer’s inability to take responsibility for their actions. If YOU forget to pay something or YOU lost the bill or YOU went on vacation and assumed time would stop until you got back, then YOU are responsible for a legitimate fee. Is there any harm in calling to ask that it be waived? Of course not!

BUT IF THE CSR SAYS ‘NO,’ THEN YOU NEED TO PAY THE DAMNED FEE.

This ridiculous society we’ve created wherein the customer instantly escalates if someone tells them ‘no’ is beyond infuriating for us in the service industry – because again, you’re showing both a complete lack of respect and a total inability to listen. What happened above? That’s what makes us want to fly to your home state for the sole purpose of spitting in your face. Also, what so many people fail – or refuse – to understand is that we CSRs frequently have limits, both in the amount of money we can ‘waive’ in a day, as well as the reasons allowed. If we’re telling you ‘no’ over $5, the chances are good that we’ve reached some kind of limit. The chances are also good that you don’t meet our requirements for a waiver for whatever reason.

Deal with it.

As with so much else, we are not responsible for your life. If you aren’t willing to make your payments, then you need to be willing to accept the consequences. Yelling at us, blaming us, and telling us that you shouldn’t have to pay the late fee because you were late is only going to infuriate us. In the same vein, telling us ‘You have to waive this fee because I’ve been a customer since the earth was formed’ ignites our tempers faster than throwing a lit match on dry brush.

First, it infuriates us because yet again, you are showing a complete and utter lack of respect and courtesy for us and our jobs. Second, if you’ve been a customer since the day you were born, WHY are you unable to remember that your due date is (generally) the same every. single. month (or year, if you’re an annual payer)? WHY is your money being due this year (just like last year, and 3 years before that, and the 5 years preceding that) such a surprise? Are you really that flaky? Or do you just think you don’t have to follow the rules? Either way, that attitude will make us dig in our heels and say ‘no’ until the world explodes.

Speaking of, telling us that you’ve been a customer since <insert long amount of time> before we can ask for your name, never mind anything else, raises our hackles. It also predisposes us to tell you ‘no’ regardless of what you’re asking. It’s great that you’ve been with the company since the day after you turned whatever age you could legally become a customer, but announcing that fact right off the get-go is a red flag for us, because it’s a very strong indicator that you are about to ask for something you know you shouldn’t. It also tells us that you’re likely going to fight us if we say ‘no.’

Yeah, that’s a good way to start off the conversation.

And we are perfectly willing to concede that not everyone is like this, but experience has proven the bad more often than the good.

Also, please keep in mind that you being a customer since forever and 2 days does not mean you are excluded from certain consequences. For example: you’ve had <Company’s> car insurance since the day you turned 16, therefore you’re getting a longevity discount, as a thanks for being such a loyal, long-term customer. Yay!

However.

You being a customer for <however long> DOES NOT exclude you from being penalized if you get a ticket or are involved in an at-fault accident. The reason for this is because regardless of your company longevity (or tenure, if you prefer), getting a ticket or getting in a wreck means that you are now a higher risk to insure than you were prior to the incident in question. What you have to keep in mind is the fact that you’re still getting your longevity discount – so you’re still getting that long-term customer treatment. But if you do something that leaves a visible record – if the DMV cares enough to actually assign a point for it, or the Claims department paid out more than a specified dollar figure (which changes based on the insurance company) – then *you will be penalized for it*. Please stop complaining that you’re being held accountable for something you did. It’s tiresome, it won’t accomplish anything, and it only makes us mad.

My brother kvetched several times about people who’d been with the cell phone company for several years and honestly thought that they shouldn’t have to pay for their minutes and text message overages (this is obviously before the advent of ‘unlimited’) because of that. Again, really? You talked on the phone longer than you pre-paid for. You sent (or received) more messages than you told us you would use. Why should the company give that away? Okay, so you’re special. Well, multiply you by 1,000 ‘you’s A DAY and suddenly, you’re a huge loss.

Also, customers, you must keep in mind that the company (or companies) in question IS A BUSINESS. It is open and operating for the purpose of making money. Thus, you not wanting to pay for what you’ve used means that you are now trying to steal from the company. We hate to say it, truly, but that’s the bottom line. If you used it, you need to pay for it.

As ever, of course, there are exceptions. My brother once had a woman who had gone to Greece but didn’t turn her phone off when she got back to the U.S. and didn’t realize that was a problem until she got a $4000 phone bill. The billing department researched the account, confirmed that the calls were bouncing off of American towers, and rerated the bill. Not a problem. In contrast, a couple who had gone to Mexico and used their phones like they were still in the U.S. called and demanded the international roaming calls be completely waived due to the fact that no one told them it would happen.

First of all, by their own admission, neither of them had called or gone into a local store to inquire about international travel. Secondly, even IF the ‘not being told’ was true, it would still be irrelevant. ‘Not being told something’ is not an excuse. If you go into Wal-Mart and take a DVD player without paying for it, are you going to tell the security guard that you should get to keep that item because no one ‘told you’ that stealing was against Wal-Mart policy?

That principle doesn’t change, customers. If you call in and mention ‘hey, I’m leaving the country’ and the rep you’re talking to doesn’t catch that and say, “Oh, did you know . . .”, that’s not good. For you, it will invariably lead to an unpleasant surprise at some point in the near future. However, just because the rep didn’t tell you doesn’t mean the rule doesn’t exist. It’s life, ladies and gentlemen. You will never be told everything about everything so it’s inevitable that something somewhere is going to catch you off-guard. It sucks when that happens; we know. That doesn’t make the fees or charges or rules or restrictions or whatever invalid. Again, be an adult. You used/bought/did it, you pay for it. The rest of us do, so what makes you special?

Also, again on a slight side note: God invented Google for a reason, folks. Thus, you have no excuse not to do your own research. If you don’t want the hassle of calling or driving to the store to ask a few simple questions about <whatever>, then look it up yourselves. It’s easy! Again, just because we’re the ‘easiest’ answer doesn’t mean we’re the only one – and if you’re unwilling to exert the effort needed to find the information (any effort), then you forfeit your right to complain about the end result.

Speaking of complaints.

Here’s a secret about call centers: when you ask for a supervisor – especially to complain – we CSRs have to 1) put you on hold 2) because we have to physically get up and go find a supervisor 3) who has the knowledge and/or training to handle your issue, 4) and is willing to take your escalation. If you’ll take note of point 2, this means that you will be on hold for a prolonged period of time while we play a bizarre corporate version of Marco Polo. We will swear on a stack of Bibles that we are not leaving you on hold long enough to watch a Lord of the Rings movie because we want to annoy you (is it a side benefit? Sometimes, but it’s not the reason you’re having to wait). We truly, honestly, have to get up and hike across the building to get a supervisor for you. So, please, once we do get someone, don’t chew us out when we get back on the phone. You might be angry about your situation, but bitching out the one person who is attempting to help you because it took longer to get a ‘person in charge’ than you think it should have only serves to annoy everyone – because we also promise that we’re telling the sup what you said, what attitude you have, and why you’re escalating. So if you get snotty when we get on the line to tell you we have a manager, we’re going to give them a head’s up – and that WILL hurt your case.

Grow up, people. Acquire some manners and put them to use. We really think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the result.

CHAPTER 5: IN CONCLUSION

Actions have consequences, customers. And until you start taking accountability for your actions – and taking them into account prior to making your choices – you’re going to have sucky experiences. We in customer service are ready and willing to help you, but not at the expense of our jobs, our company, our dignity, or our self-worth. Of equal importance, the worse you treat us, the more vitriol you’re going to get back.

And we don’t want to hear ‘well, that’s not fair’ or ‘but I’m the customer!’ or ‘how dare you not give ME what I want because I’m **ME**?!?’

Honest truth? We could care less. We don’t know you, we aren’t going to know you, and if the examples scattered throughout the previous chapters are any indication of your behavior, we don’t want to know you. You are no more special than she was or he is or they’re going to be. Treat us with a little respect and we’ll gladly help you if it’s something we can do or get done. Act like we’re breathing crash test dummies who aren’t worth the plastic and you can fall off a cliff for all we care. Like it, don’t like it, utterly indifferent to it, the rules won’t change. If you want good (or at least better) customer service:

1.) Be prepared

a) Do your due diligence

b) If you cannot (or will not) do the above, don’t blame us.

c) Accept responsibility for your actions

2.) Accept and understand that things happen which we have no (zero, zilch, nada) control over

a) Quit taking those things out on us

b) Accept that life isn’t always pleasant, easy, or convenient

3.) Realize that you are not the only person on earth

a) Recognize that listening is a two-way street

b) Not everything that happens (good or bad) is personal

c) If it does become personal, admit that you likely had a hand (though by no means the full body) in it

d) LISTEN when someone who isn’t you is talking

e) Try to understand what they’re saying

f) If you don’t understand, ask. Most of us don’t mind if it’s genuine confusion prompting the question (and the ones that do mind are going to be difficult no matter what you say or want)

4.) Act like the adult you’re professing to be

a) Don’t assume that you’re always right

b) When you are wrong, admit it

c) If you won’t admit it, don’t take it out on us

d) It doesn’t matter who you are: you are not worth my job

The bottom line here, customers, is that we’re all people. Like you, we want to be treated well, shown respect, and given the benefit of the doubt. Now, we all understand that there will always be bad apples. You’re the nicest, politest, most understanding person on the earth when you talk to them and they throw barbed wire on you. That’s not okay, it’s not right, it’s not fair, and you shouldn’t put up with it. Not one of us would disagree with that.

But if you start out throwing accusations and blame, and are lacking even the most basic of manners, then you have no grounds for complaint if your CSR is distant, unfriendly, or not overly (or underly or at all) helpful. You reap what you sow and if the seeds you bring to your customer service rep are bitterness, laziness, callous disrespect, blame, or any of the other attitudes listed in this article (never mind a combination of some sort), then don’t be surprised when you get no warmth, friendliness, or desire to help you.

Oh, and customers? There is no ‘burden of proof’ for one side. Good service is a two-way street. It’s cliché, but the Golden Rule applies here more than almost anywhere else in your life: treat us the way you want to be treated and we’ll all be happy.

Think about it.

~~~~~

Finis