Don't ruin teenagers' personalities

There are some mistaken or wrong ways that parents often educate their children from a young age, which may continue into their adult lives. These methods can cause damage to the personality of children and teenagers. We will mention some of them here.

SHOUTING

This is a poor way of communicating with children and teenagers. Yelling negates communication and undermines understanding between parents and children. A child will be in a position of self-preservation and tend to fear loud and high voices. Especially for children, it shocks and scares them.

All humans, when fear arises in them, will automatically bring up the instinct for self-preservation. Children will try to overcome their fear, so that parents become a figure that is avoided. Humans will run away from fear because no one is comfortable in a state of fear. When parents always position the child in a state of fear, the child will stay away and avoid.

The child's attention will be focused on ways that can protect him, and he may look for other figures that are seen as more soothing and comfortable. So, maybe he will be closer to his grandparents, uncles, or other people.

In fact, some might be closer to the maid (if the parents have a maid) or to their friends, or whoever can put their arms around them. So, his attention is going to be on the means that can protect him in the form of a quick behavioural response, and he's not going to pay attention to any behaviour that's caused by the yelling. That is, he will not respond to the shout or the high voice, no matter what it says.

Sometimes parents advise their children by shouting in a high voice, and that is not a wise way of giving advice. Allah says in Surah An-Nahl:

ادْعُ إِلَىٰ سَبِيلِ رَبِّكَ بِالْحِكْمَةِ وَالْمَوْعِظَةِ الْحَسَنَةِ

"Call people to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good instruction" (An-Nahl [16]: 125).

One of the wisdom ways of giving advice is to give it softly, not in a high voice or shouting. Then our advice will not be responded to. This sometimes makes parents angrier and raises their voices when they feel that their advice or words are not responded to, which in turn makes the relationship between the two more distant and tenuous.

Yelling is the worst way to interact with children, especially with children. In fact, the Prophet Muhammad Shallallahu ‘Alaihi wa Sallam was described as someone who did not like shouting in the marketplace:

ولا سخابا في الأسواق

"He was not a shouter in the marketplace" (Ibn Hibban).

If it is in the marketplace, where we know the atmosphere is hustling and bustling and there are many people from different levels of education, shouting is not good, although some people assume that shouting in the marketplace is not good for a believer. So what if it happens at home. Our homes are not markets, and it is certainly not good to shout at home.

Umar bin Khattab once got angry with two people who raised their voices a bit high inside the Prophet's Mosque. That's not shouting, just raising your voice a little higher was reprimanded by Umar because it was not good. Let alone shouting. We may have seen the condition of some houses where there is no quiet voice there, all of them raise their voices high. This is a condition that is not conducive to children's education.

Similarly, it should be the same in the educational environment. Schools are not markets or public places where shouting is normal. Schools are places where children receive education. This place should also be kept away from shouting, so that the school conditions become comfortable for studying and learning.

Yelling as a bad way of communication has a far greater negative influence than spanking or other punishments. Perhaps we have been shouted at by someone, and it made us feel uncomfortable. The shouting carries a negative memory that tends to be remembered more than other actions that we might forget.

For example, when we are shouted at on the motorway for making a small mistake, that alone makes us uncomfortable. The same goes for the sound of a horn being honked unnecessarily. In some countries, horns are only used when absolutely necessary to avoid an uncomfortable cacophony of sounds.

This condition also applies at home. Imagine if in one house all the family members talk loudly to each other. This will affect the state of the heart, making the mood unsettled and uncomfortable.

Worship is also described as calm and serene. For example, when we are in the mosque, we feel calm because there is no hustle and bustle, unlike when we go to the market. In the market, our hearts are not calm because of the hustle and bustle that makes our hearts uncomfortable, not only because of the many immoral things in it, but also because of the conditions that do not make our hearts calm.

So, worship is described with tranquillity because its purpose is to bring tranquillity. This means that it should be kept away from high voices. These shouts will bring negative memories in the brain, especially in children and teenagers. This memory will stick with them and be stored for a long time, maybe even throughout their lives. When they grow up, any loud noise will negatively affect their feelings, making them feel like a weak child.

The person being shouted at feels inferior and weak, while the person shouting feels strong and superior. This is very bad in educating children. That's why Allah says in the Qur'an,

وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِنْ صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنْكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ

"And be modest in your walk and soften your voice. Verily, the worst sound is that of a donkey." (Luqman[31]: 19)