Hooo!

Picture it, South Omaha, Nebraska. Don’t ask me the year because I really don’t know.

What I DO know is there have been many an instance where the wildlife in Nebraska scared the bejezus outta me. From a barn owl on my fence during a smoke break to black squirrels with attitudes, and finally the unidentifiable mammal wrapped around my tire.

Before I begin, I must mention I’m from New Jersey, mainly the suburbs, but I mention this to point out the only other instance I was subjected to “Birds Gone Wild” was when I was attacked by a rogue pigeon that wrapped its talons around my tiny child wrist and pecked at my hand until I dropped my Cracker Jack box. Then the daggone mutant rat with wings swooped down, grabbed the box of Cracker Jacks in his beak, and flew off.

Since then, I’ve been petrified of birds of any kind, especially pigeons.

Nevertheless, one good thing about living in Nebraska is I did not see not nary a pigeon even when I went outside on my smoke breaks. I was, however, screeched at by a a gang of black squirrels.

I didn’t smoke in the apartment, so many a day when the weather was appropriate I would walk around the little complex in which I lived to do my lil nasty habit. I was respectful to property however and never threw my cigarette butts on the ground. I would, in fact, squat and put the cigarette out on the curb and then hold onto it until I was able to get to a trash dumpster. One rather pleasant fall evening, the sun was casting orange slashes of light across the leaf carpeted yard that crunched under my feet. Mindful to not let any stay embers fly into the dry leaves and grass, I made sure the end of the cigarette was out. But before I could stand back up, I felt something smack me on the back of the head. I grimaced with disgust initially because I thought possibly a bird pooped on my head. But when I felt the back of my head, thankfully it was still dry.

I frowned and squinted into the treetops and I lie to you not I watched a squirrel lean back and hurl an acorn right at my face.

I would’ve found it as hilarious as you probably did, but the acorn split my lip.

I dunno what I ever did to that rat in a luxurious onyx outfit, but that hurt.

So I no longer walked around the complex to smoke because the “Onyx Squirrels of South Omaha” have formed a gang and now pelt any pedestrian who disturbs their peace.

But I still had to go past them to get into my car in the morning. One of my neighbors always fed the birds & stuff outside so normally I would find them tasseling over an orange rind or a crust of bread and sneak by them to get in my car.

After I mastered avoiding gang territory, I guess the head squirrel called in reinforcements. One morning I went to get in my little Silver Toyota Tercel, but I saw something furry between the tire and I guess what’s called a wheel well?

I dunno, I’ma girly girl all I know is it was as fat as the tire brown & furry or quilly? I dunno I didn’t get close enough to find out & I SLOWLY backed up and went back into the apartment.

I called out of work that day. My excuse was a “wildlife emergency”. I mean after my boss laughed at me & I hung up the phone, I went out to sit on the back porch & have a cigarette when I came face to face with this barn owl just sitting on my fence.

I screamed like Ms.Peacock from Clue!!!

I just can’t make this stuff up!